I've always wondered what this feeling is called.

It borders somewhere between nostalgia and regret. It's bittersweet... but not? I am happy. I am at peace. But the context of my current situation (my sin and guilt) holds me back from fully experiencing it?

How would you describe it properly? It's like finding an oasis in the middle of a battlefield. Like I'm comfortable, satisfied and full. But not quite there yet.

Is it a yearning for heaven? For that full unity of being home with the Father?

Maybe.

It's strongest when I'm at home (after a day at home) and say, for example, I'm looking at beautiful memories of the past.. of people who were once your closest friends... of a time when your values coincided perfectly with those of others... when following your emotions wasn't really all that bad... when you could trust, when you could hope, when you could put your faith in other people... when your faith was... at a different stage I guess you could say.

Any level of faith is amazing and beautiful so there should be no need to look back. There are only the riches and fruits of the future ahead of us to look forward to.

I have no regrets, seeing as each stage of faith has so much wisdom and fulfillment to offer.

I guess that's why it's so hard to define what I'm feeling. Or maybe I'm just scared to fully embrace life here on Earth again for fear of becoming too comfortable and forgetting my Home in Heaven.

It's never really in my plan to forget God.

I guess I'm just scared of Him. I'm scared of His judgment.

But is living my life to the fullest all that wrong? Isn't that what God created us to do in the first place? Isn't living life to the fullest accepting God and His will, His love, His law, His wisdom, and His friendship? Wouldn't you feel so alive knowing that you hold Heaven within your heart?

I'm scared of His condemnation. Just as He said "I AM," not only is He loving and merciful, but He is also just and righteous.

I'm just really scared of Him to be honest.

Maybe it's my doubt.

Maybe.