"Your romantic expression should never exceed your confidence in marriage." -via Bryan Abas


I finally get it now. And it's funny because yesterday's reading was this: 1 Corinthians 7:32-35.

It's known that people strive to survive; to live. Even when people are at their lowest, there's a quiet will inside of them that won't stop living. Even if they lose everything, they still do the things they need to do: eat, drink, sleep, try to pass time by, maybe finish some work, clean the house, whatever it is.

What keeps us going? We see those who do manage to escape the will to live, like those who are suicidal, those who lose their purpose and just fade away... actually mainly just those who are suicidal in general. As harsh as that sounds.. it's pretty blatant truth. Because even those who lose purpose in their lives still strive to live and search.

But, I think the fact that we still strive to live is something God planted. Constantly we're in search for peace, love, happiness, you name it, all that is good. Even those who have fallen into addictions in hopes of running away can attest to the fact that they did not find peace. They did not find happiness.

So then why is it that when we have every reason to turn away from God, to stop living, or whatever depressed mood or accusations we're giving ourselves, why is it that we still choose to live? Why do we fight so hard to live when whatever logic or worldview we hold in our minds points to our condemnation and demise?

Guilt? Low self-esteem? Hate? Emptiness? Things like that always bring us down. "You're not good enough." "You're not worth it." "God hates you." "You're disgusting."

I think the reason we keep striving to live is because at the very core of ourselves is God. We were created by Him and for Him, so it's little wonder that rooted in our hearts is the desire for all that is good, since that is who God is: all good.

We desire love. We desire happiness. We desire hope, faith, peace, perseverance and so on.

So maybe that's why when I'm lying there beating myself up for the mistakes and decisions I make, maybe that's why I couldn't stop praying even if I wanted to..

Deep inside us is a purity not kept alive because of who we are or what we've done, but because of who He is and what He's done.

The part inside us that never gave up wasn't us. We gave up multiple times. It was God Who never gave up. And He never will.

Just as God is eternal and everlasting, so is His love and mercy.

Hear our prayer, O Lord, God almighty.

Phew, school is tiring. I've been in limbo for a bit, but PG for His blessings.

I guess after all the crap, as much as my pride blinded me, it was only there because I was hurt. That's why I find it hard to trust people.. to really treat them as my close friends these days. It really put a blocker between God and I.

Hurt people hurt people right?

I see now, that I'm not lost.. I'm just growing.

The guy made a good point. Blaming humans to be at the fault of mostly everything doesn't do anything to solve the problem. If anything, it's still the same old pointing of the finger and blaming each other for our problems.

It was a pretty humble reminder that we should focus on SOLVING the problem. In other words, get out there. Do something. Help. And love.

God's brought me past the hate towards people, and now he's bringing me past the indifference towards people... all with the end goal in mind: to love people.

Dang.

"Teach me how to love like You have loved me."

Unconditional love...

Unconditional.

I feel like He showed me heaven when we first met, and now He's teaching me why it's heaven... and why this love is so important.

"Never have I known God better through my joys than through my sufferings."

Sometimes I feel like I'm just some ordinary pop song to people. The kind of song where you hear it, like it, keep listening to it on repeat and label it as your "current favourite" and then after awhile you get bored... and stop listening to it. And you brush it to the side as more "new music" comes in.

Ouch.

But... I think this is why I try to put so much effort into the people who I'm with at any moment at any time. If I'm with you, I'm with you. I've committed my time to you and even if my closest friends (except for family and God) are asking for me to come out, I can't. Because I am currently spending time with you.

Because you are my friend.

I know exactly what it's like to be taken for granted by people. I know how much it hurts. And how immature people can be through it.

I guess that's why I try to give my 100% attention to whoever I'm with at the moment, because I know what it feels like to be taken for granted.

I realize that choosing this sort of takes out the whole "treat your close friends a bit more special than other friends" but to be honest, after making people a priority in my life and only to have them treat me as an option... only God and my family are my priority.

Everyone else is an option.

But that doesn't mean that my definition of an "option" is low.

You'll get my honest attention for sure, as much as I can put in at the time. I'll try my best to be a friend for you. And be there as much I can... because I know what it's like to be taken for granted.

#latenighthonesty for sure. It's too emo though to be on there though. lol..

Just as the saying goes for when you're looking for the one, you have to be the one. Then it goes for this too: if you're looking for true friends, be a true friend.

It's about your reason watching over your emotions, your faith watching over your reason, and God watching over your faith.

The time we spend judging others is the time we could use to make ourselves better. Be hard on yourself, and easy on others.

Despite all the crap, You are still my God. And I don't know how far I'll go just by saying that, but clearly, actions speak louder than words.

And that inner faith that only You can see outshines any human action or word.

Still got so much more to go.

"God is like... the last surviving tree in a burnt down forest, because... out of all the people who have done wrong, God stands out of all of them and forgives, like a tree starting a new forest, creating a world of forgiveness." -A Ten Year Old Girl

Love?

Nah not right now. I've experienced a lot in life so far and they've been both joyous and redeeming, and horrible and disgusting. And through it all... I'm just really looking for Him right now. Learnin' more about Him.

And that's what I'm doing. One day at a time. :)

In every lie there is a little truth. The Devil's lies are twisted truths. They're not newly created things, for the Devil cannot create things like God. They are twisted truths of God's original blessings and love. Twisted things that are originally good. 

The lie of lust is the twisted truth of God's gift of the procreation of life: sex. The lie of pride is the twisted truth of loving yourself. The lie of envy is the twisted truth of inspiration and genuine happiness for another.

The list goes on.

These are what lies are. This is what sin is.

And yet burning inside all of us is the deep desire and passion for truth.

I can't give up.

And it's not because I can, but I really just can't. I'm so deep within my journey towards God that His love that I've experienced is seeded within my heart.

Even if I wanted to give up, I honestly just can't.

Words of Affirmation used to be my lowest ranked love language. It's weird how God is changing that.

I guess it doesn't matter about the rankings, God just wants all of those love languages with 10's.

Maybe I'll remember these.

-Abraham's inheritance: just because we don't live to see the effects we have on people, it doesn't mean that it doesn't happen.
-Even if I walk alone on Earth, I know the Heavens walk with me
-"You forgot who you are, so you forgot about Me." -Mufasa, The Lion King
-Don't take things too personally
-You're not Jesus. Sometimes we try so hard to be Jesus for people, but sometimes we just can't. So let Jesus do it.


Shout out to Erin Tangco and Alo Galedo. My sister in Christ, my brother in Christ.

"You are not at peace with others because you are not at peace with yourself, and you are not at peace with yourself because you are not at peace with God." -Anonymous

I guess it's a bit funny looking back at how much I've changed as a person.

Was I ever truly introverted? Or was I always an extrovert, just extremely shy combined with all that other negative stuff? (shyness isn't all that bad)

I only started loving going out of my house and being with people once I met God and met all these wonderful people through YFC and PT. Before, I would dodge hanging out with friends from school during elementary because I just loved to be alone. I found so much peace in myself through my isolation. But now...?

It's like I've forgotten how to be alone, to be honest.

Hm.

It's concerning to say the least. But only because, as emo cliche as this is going to sound, I don't want to get too attached to people. Expectations hurt. A lot. And it sucks that my love language just so happens to require that I physically be with people when I know I can't all the time. And if people don't love me the way I want them to, it just gets worse from there.

So I guess it's a lose-lose situation. I need to be with people to fully fulfill myself, and yet I have problems trusting if my friends even care about me sometimes, which pushes me into isolation.

And then it leads to that... I like to think I like to be alone, but I'm not too sure if I work like that anymore...

I just would really like to love myself too you know.

People can be distracting.

But it's wrong to blame others.

Hm.

PS I've been out literally everyday of my winter break so far, and this is one day where I just decided to stay home. All these thoughts developed within the span of one day. ONE day. That is concerning for sure. I've changed a whole lot. :/ haha

PPS Gah, these posts. Well, as they say (kind of): "in the words of a broken heart (excluding that) it' just emotions."

I should go pray. =] I got God to talk to anytime anyway, what am I moping about for?

Le sigh, life.

Sorry, God.

In all honesty, I guess I'm just not used to this kind of lifestyle. It's different for sure.

My reason says it's good. My doubt constantly accuses me though of every little thing. So it's hard to really say for sure if I'm.. good?

Faith in God though, I know He loves me. And that's what matters the most.

It's definitely different for sure. I'm sure I'll adapt and continue on my journey of faith as this goes on.

I feel like someone who's trying to assimilate into the "normal" life. Haha