Stop writing. Start doing.

And with that, may God be praised.

Late Night Observation:

The me of not-so-long-ago would have been choked that I'm not a part of it (or those) anymore. But the me now knows that true friendship is undefined by groups, cliques, fame or hype. 

I've definitely changed and grown in a good way, in that area of life specifically.

Thank You.

Deadlines, due dates, and expectations. It's exhilarating and productive. But a bit overwhelming as well.

Oh well, this is my degree anyway.

I actually do enjoy it, too. :)

#latenighthonesty, McDonald's style.

A blessed night with awesome friends.

I'm starting to see it now. God's righteous anger and punishment is equally just as mysterious and beyond my understanding as is His mercy and grace.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." -Isaiah 55:9

And again, His answer is the Eucharist.

All it takes is a prayer. Open up to Him and pour out your entire self: shame, guilt, sin and tears. Everthing good and everything bad; all your dreams and desires, all your regrets and fears.

No one can save me but You.

Never what I wanted, but always what I needed.

I'm just very selfish when it comes to many things. Yes, I may have a lot of internal problems, but the world doesn't revolve around me. Even with the pain of my cross, my cross is meant to be exactly as it symbolizes: A death of myself to bring life to others. And a resurrection through Christ.

I may fail everywhere I go, but God has asked me to hold on. To pray and to love.

Lord have mercy on my hate and anger.

No one and nothing else can save me.

No one and nothing else but Him alone.

(In this area of life Lord, I feel so hopeless. Everything else is fine but this one area. If the devil has even one foothold in a human life, it's almost like none of the other good matters. All the guilt, all the sin. It feels so overpowering. I can't discern what is truth Lord. Your love? Your mercy? But what about your justice? Your righteous anger? For almost 13 years of my life now Lord this has been the drawback. It has never been at peace, it's always been a war. It's killing my relationship with You though. I find it so hard to pray and to believe in Your love sometimes. I always remember all the stories of the Old Testament. The sin has done nothing but leave ruin, confusion, anger and hate in my life. I'm left with so many questions. They are not questions of the mind though that could be easily reasoned through human thought like "God loves you." But they're questions of the heart. It's easy for my mind to simply choose You. But my heart is so hard, dead and weak. It's tired. And it's all my fault. What is mercy, Lord? Does it run out? Are certain people merely brought to the Truth only to be destined to fall in accordance with the Word? The narrow path or the wide path. I have no idea where I am. People could simply just say "you've been blinded." But what of it? My heart and mind know and my soul battles day and night and day and night after. Like in the book of Ephesians, everything feels so vain.

I'm so hurt Lord. And my pain, guilt and sins have reached this phase for awhile. I can't tell anymore Lord if I'm just falling lower and growing more distant. Without You, I feel no true love. But I'm afraid to ask of You because You already know my heart. You know my darkness. I don't even cry anymore because of my wrongs. I cry because I feel that my tears and prayers mean nothing to You anymore. I'm tired of saying the same prayers of apology and selfishness. I'm tired of praying for happiness and "good feelings of faith" if I'm just going to pay everything back in sin. Most of the time I'm not even hating people or loving them. I'm just tired of everyone.

Pride? Obviously, but what more people must throw me down, how many more people must embarass me and hate me, who else has to push me around before I can claim humility? How many more whispers behind my back, fakes and assumers do I have to experience?

I cry too Lord because I'm so damaged. No girl has ever broken my heart before, because I've already broken my own countless times. My tears don't stop my sins. My prayers don't. It's not Your fault, everything is mine to blame. And the devil can go on and continue to accuse me of all my sins. I have no excuse. No reason. It was my choice. And I wish I could say sorry. But I don't know anymore Lord. Nothing seems real anymore.

I do things out of obedience. And nothing else. Because obedience is all I have left. But even that was never there to begin with.

"If you Love God you will keep His commandments."

Thank You for loving me. I'm not too sure if I ever loved You back.

I'm so sorry, I tried so hard.)

His answer is the Eucharist.

"Don't tell me about what other people have told you about yourself. Tell me about you."

Life keeps swimming along.

But I am grateful because summer 2013 was one of the best summers for me. Although quiet most of the time, big stuff and small stuff happened from HHI to TNC to all the chill and instantaneous days with people I love.

It was a blessed experience in a humbling, quiet and observant way.

I still have so long to go, but here's to making everyday like a summer vacation.

Rain, snow, sun or wind, I want to make the most of my life.

It's about time I stopped writing posts about how summer 20xx or how the year 20xx was this or that. In God's time seconds, hours, days, years and ages become too small compared to His huge plan and become negligible. Time is negligible. I shouldn't be so worried about trying to make this or that season or time or place to be the best thing ever. Instead, I should be praying and letting God make my life the best thing ever.

No regrets! Just forgiveness.

Here's to the rest of my life.

I pray that when I die, Lord, I'll have hopefully passed this test they call life.

It's been a crazy, wild, terrible and beautiful journey so far.

Good night!

"You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart will always be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place."

And one time.

I've been working everyday in these last weeks of summer. I don't mind though, I had a lot of fun on my trips to Vegas and Calgary and I really need the money to pay off the load of debts I have. But I feel bad because my social life has been suffering. Not in a selfish sort of way of me needing to socialize with my friends, but the fact that I keep turning down my friends who want to socialize. Even if it's on technology like skype, facebook, or text, I keep ending conversations abruptly because I need to sleep.

I guess what makes it worse is that Final Fantasy XIV just came out this week so obviously my first thoughts when I get home from work is to close myself up in my room and play. Whenever a new game that I love comes out, my introverted side takes over and I like to be alone playing my games. I don't like to be interrupted by anyone haha, not even on technology, unless though you're playing with me. It's more so like that though because I don't want to be rude in the first place by giving people only a fraction of my attention while I game it up.

But in the end, I feel like I'm being rude either way by not responding to them, or giving them short half-assed conversations that end abruptly as I head off to bed. It's like I pity talk with them rather than me talking with them because I'm fully ready to initiate and engage in conversation. And no one appreciates pity talking.

Anyway, random late night honesty rant. Good night.

Please forgive me for this time, friends. Ya'll are my homies. My introverted side just needs attention and alone time, especially after an extroverted filled day at work.

I hope you'll understand.

Blessed with awesome friends and family but guilt and sin run my personal life. Who am I to be given so much? Who am I to question His blessings and ways though?

Life is a paradox of good and evil, heaven and hell, God and the enemy. It's honestly an endless battlefield in my soul, heart, mind and body.

It hurts so much. But at the same time it's really beautiful.

I dunno, I'm extremely depressed but at the same time I've never known such peace and happiness.

But the emotional stress is a lot. I think it's really starting to take a toll on my mental health. And so at the end of the day, it still is a battle for, literally, the love of God, as well as the emptying of my "wicked ways." It's not about balance, or karma or yin and yang. It's a purification of evil and the battle that ensues. It's not a power struggle between equal forces of good and evil. The good side has already won. It's just a painful love story. And as harsh as it sounds: some end happily, but more than often they end sadly. Such is the choice of humanity.

And again though, back into it, it's an endless war.

A crazy, horror, love story.

I'm really excited for the school semester to begin. It'll be a lot of restarts, fresh starts, and continued plans for me. I just hope and pray that things will work out and that I will keep working those things out.

Grow where you are planted.

"As long as you remain rooted in God, you can grow in any place, even the seemingly desolate. Life finds a way." -Celine Diaz

"Skepticism is the easiest way: believe nothing, do nothing."

Skepticism in the meaning, of course, of denying everything and anything outside of the latest human knowledge.

Skepticism in an attempt to find truth though I'm all for.

"But midway through my dance, I began realizing something: that although I felt like i was going to fall, I still hadn't fallen. That was a miracle in itself -- that somehow, despite the 'paralysis' of my toes, something was keeping me moving. It was the perfect representation of my relationship with God; that although things were never perfect, He always sustained me, carrying me through when I (spiritually ... & physically) couldn't." -Celine Diaz

"I believe in the existence of God, but if I say I know that there is a God, I have said too much." -St. Augustine

Ignosticism.

A little late night honesty:

Surrey 2 may not be the same Surrey 2 that captured my heart back in the day, but this most recent conference has caused a little stirring in my heart :$ ..you could say I fell a little bit in love with my home chapter again, and it's growing.

"It's a new generation."

Wind of revival, I pray that You continually sweep through my whole heart.

This summer has been a BLESSING.

Vegas and HHI 2013 and Calgary and TNC 2013 right after.

The month of August (including my birthday with my family, and a surprise from the Mendoza's, Poquiz's, and my S2 bros) has been so eventful, and I'm happy and proud that I worked so hard to pay off both trips. I worked hard with what God gave me, and still yet He gave even more.

Truly, despite anything, God is gracious!

EDIT: I'm praying for my stronger and deeper relationship with Christ. Lately I've felt like my heart for service to the Lord has been slowly coming back.

Do not fear hate; be courageous in love.

"Ask Jesus what He wants from you and brave!" -Pope Francis

First though, I'm going to need to ask Jesus for bravery because to be honest, I'm scared for what Jesus will ask of me.

Sigh. Sorry, Lord.

"Therefore, seek first the kingdom of God and His justice, and all these things shall be added to you as well." -Matthew 6:33

It's these good, spontaneous days with people I love that leave me to question at the end of the night in my room what exactly it was that I did to deserve this peace.

"No, I'm just sad and lonely right now. And no I'm not going to selfishly blame my family and friends and be like 'I have no friends' or 'no one really cares about me.' I'm just going to accept that I really need to be alone with God right now."

Boom.

Late-night-nostalgia-refelection-post:

Thinking about it now, I think one of the highlights of my early high school life was that all of my closest friends and myself were all in one group together at the time. The picture in my background is actually one of the last photos taken of most of us, although not all of us, together. That was around grade 9/10 though so obviously naive me didn't know everything would change after that summer.

Some moved away and we never talked again; others of us had high school peer pressure change and destroy our relationships; and others simply learned more of who they really were and we all ended up drifting apart.

Either way, I still see most of them now and I'm also still pretty close with almost all of them! It just sucks that we don't all hang out in one group anymore.

That's fine with me though. It's affirming to know too though that I wasn't the only one who missed our summer usuals, and it was also affirming to know that some of them thanked me for being a friend and for always trying to keep up contact.

Now my closest friends are insane, famous dancers, or inspiring and humble leaders, or studious and hard workers at school and at work doing what they can for themselves and their families.

I'd have to say "thank You" to God for all of those good times (and bad as well!). I learned so much about myself and this life we go through walking with other people. The journey is truly a blessing.

Good night. :)

PS. Life of Pi is a good movie

EDIT: If that group hadn't broken up, I would have never met and gotten close to all the many friends that are in my life now. #pG

"If they respect you, respect them. If they disrespect you, still respect them. Do not allow the actions of others to decrease your good manners, because you represent yourself, not others." -Mohammad Zeyara

Stop searching for love and friends. Be loving and be a friend.

"Entrust yourselves to God and dare to dream." -Pope Francis

My heart's filled with longings, desires and dreams. It's a beautiful feeling.

Before, it used to feel so bittersweet. At the time, all the things I ever wanted back then were things I was beginning to understand and come to acceptance with that they needed to be let go of. Of course, I knew it was letting God as well, but I couldn't help but feel like saying good bye to the past me (and past them). I knew God had something better for me (and I'm seeing that now), but again at the time, I only knew so much. Faith was something I was just starting to get back into after many wars waged on myself and others.

Coming up to speed now though, this feeling—this late night honesty—is different now; it's changed. I'm excited for the future, for the change, for the hard work and growth being put in. Things are bittersweet and at the same time almost entirely not. It's a new feeling for me to be honest, and I'm not too sure if I've ever felt this before in my life. Maybe it's the one fruit I can feel for sure that God has cultivated through me. And that gives me a lot of hope. I personally feel worthless and disgusting most of the time because of various sins, guilts and shames combined with my lack of Eucharistic and confessional intake and use. Things have honestly been broken, emptied, shaken, refilled, spilled and desecrated plenty of times through my life that you'd expect my emotional well being to be well into a loss of.. Words? Feelings? A mix of both. Which is why I describe this feeling as bittersweet, but not entirely. It's weird. I feel happy at times and at the same time I feel sad. When I look at myself, I can tell for sure I'm an incomplete work still in the making. But it's been 20 years already and I just feel so tired. And I guess that's why this feeling gives me so much hope: contrary to all that I mentioned before, it also feels hopeful, excited, persevering, empty of myself in a way, and most importantly, wholly faithful that God will pull me through this. Whatever this is.

So... I guess when I describe it like that, after all that I've been through and experienced, I have to say that maybe, just maybe, this new late night honesty, this new feeling, is one of the first fruits to be born of this new—no, better—me.

And with that, a self reminder: Truly, God is good.. All the time.

"Yes, whatever happened, happened; but what happens now is up to you. You can respond from ego, ensuring pain, or you can respond from spirit, ensuring a miracle." -Marianne Williamsom

"I looked at everyone and wondered where they came from, and who they missed, and what they were sorry for." -Jonathan Safran Foer

Dreams

Lord, I can do this, but only if You allow it. But I know that if You do.. I can do this. I've learned everything from You.

Maybe after depression and anxiety ruined a lot of things during my childhood, they're why I've developed this perseverance and determination to stop at nothing to be happy and always hold on to even the last string with undying hope and integrity.

Hate to admit it, but I gots low self-esteem looks wise a lot of the time :(

Life's still awesome doe! Hard work and perseverance, and oh btw NTS, if I want it, I have to work for it.

A hashtag seems perfect to end this:

#shallowpost

NTS: if you're going to choose to live a lifestyle of love and forgiveness, you're going to have to also trust and let people and God forgive you as well.

"These men of old must have known of God's command and of His covenant. Otherwise why would they have feared being scattered? But all they had was a promise from God. Their hopes were on abstract words, nothing concrete, and so they placed their faith in bricks and tar." -Analysis on the meaning of the story of Babel

Joys, pains and sins of life and every time I find myself praying to You.

So many mysteries. It seems You have even conquered the emptiness and numb areas of my soul.

"I do not promise to try my best, because there will be days that I will not be choosing to try my best. But I promise to never stop praying to You, because I know You are always giving Your best. Truly, I am unworthy, Lord."

Pistachio, genius.

Had such an awesome, productive, eventful and adventurous day with the YFC family and a couple of those true few.

CFC conference, creative, chilling downtown, meat and bread, picnic dt, whiterock, McDonald's.. Dang so much fun!

Thank You for this day, it's days like these that keep me going.

That's the thing about this world: 'righteous people' judge 'sinners' while 'sinners' judge 'righteous people'.

It's like no one realizes that we're all in the same boat. 'Shady' or 'sheltered' everyone has a degree of human pride. Everyone falls short of the glory of God.

The true people, or rather the true person, I believe, is someone who in their innocence or in their lessons from past hurts, chooses to live and forgive freely. No conditions; no reciprocation expected.

That kind of person, to me, is a gem. A true friend and a treasure indeed.

Let the Cross defend you; let the Cross forgive you.

I gotta say, sometimes you need those couple of days of down time alone at home with your family and your hobbies. The world is a big place with unique people all around and I'm one of them.

God has given me my own unique set of talents, desires, hobbies and passions, and I don't want to hide or deny parts of myself just to help me feel more "accepted" and "conversational."

I don't have to change anything. God has given me all I'll ever need and want. It's up to me to discover that.

And honestly, if I stay real and be me, those true few (a lot I have already found) will show themselves and be there. I am who I am and I want to love and embrace myself for all that I am.

God, help me on this journey of discovering and embracing myself. Thank You.

"My heart lives in so many places. With so many people. But God whispers to me that I really have only one home, and that is with Him. I will never be content on this earth. I will always be a nomad. It was meant to be that way."

This first half describes how I feel now. But the last part is what I'm trying to push my heart towards:

"My heart was created with a desire for a home, a nest, a sanctuary, and that can be found only with Him in Heaven."

"Men are so quick to blame the gods: they say
that we devise their misery. But they
themselves, in their depravity, design
griefs greater than the griefs that fate assigns."

-The Odyssey, by Homer

Everyone's story is a beautiful mess.

Wooo, so tired

Hung out today with the first close friends of mine that God used to start this crazy journey of mine with Him.

And I gotta say it hasn't been like this in so long haha. The tension is gone, and it feels like old times again (except not old times cause this is now), and things really have just... moved on and grown :)

And praise God for that.

A chapter has closed in my life. I can now say 99.9% for that; still waiting for a for sure for sure sign from one more person haha, but other than that, things really have changed and some things have gone but other things have returned. And in the end, through the bad and the good, something better arose.

Praise God, life keeps moving on. Bad or good, God can make good things come to be.

"You don't think your way into a new kind of living, you live your way into a new kind of thinking." -Father Henri Nouwen

"Conquer yourself and the world lies at your feet." -St. Augustine

"This... Is my story..."

I realize that I have as many friends as the number of different sides of me. Does it make me fake? I used to be worried about that, but now that I see it, God just made me for who I am.

And I shall live and be grateful for that. And I should live and be grateful for that.

To love and be happy is to glorify God.

"Scientific truth is not final, but constantly evolving." -Peter Attia

"Our lives are stories of second chances; be grateful for the grace that is your life."

"We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed." -2 Corinthians 4:8-9

As humans we are called to grow together more so than alone. In our friendships and relationships we can grow through our times spent together and through our conversations. But, also in our friendships and relationships, we can grow though our conflicts and through our miscommunications. One side teaches us joy and unity, while the other teaches humility and perseverance.

In the end though, both sides teach love and sacrifice.

Relationships and friendships, like God's grace (and as well as through God's grace), can bear good fruit from either good or bad situations, but only if you let them.

Boom

I can't explain it. I just feel so out of place sometimes.

(I kinda just wanna disappear for a bit)

Sorry for the emo blog :( I'll grow up soon enough.

Growing up though doesn't equal complete control and constant happiness. People don't stop being sad. Their attitudes just change.

A quiet life; a simple life; a humble life full of small things and great love.

Desires of the heart, yearnings of the soul.

In my sin You are my Lord and my God; in my good You are my Lord and my God. Your grace and love are independent of what I do and what I am.

"Our problem isn’t that we don’t know how to love but that we mistake love for an emotion. In 1 Corinthians 13, Paul describes love. Scripture defines it in two ways: what love is and what loves does. What love does is a direct result of what love is. Nowhere in Paul’s description does he talk about feelings. Love is not a feeling—it is an act of valuing others as much as we value ourselves."

from http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/whole-life/loving-hard

"Does a man harbor anger against another, and yet seek for healing from the Lord?" -Sirach 28:3

Frankly, I don't want my relationships to be limited by time, cliques, groups or common interests.

My life has been--to me at least--pretty simple. And I don't know why I get so excited and happy thinking that.

It's almost like I'm affirming myself that I've been staying true to myself, trying my best to do what's right, stuck to my faith (even if it's by a single thread at times), and chosen to love, forgive and be happy and grateful.

I have to make do and give my all according to what God has given me... And I guess I just pray that He upholds me. And my simple life.

Good night.

But to be honest, when I hang out with all of you, I feel inspired to pray and to have faith.

I see Jesus in you all despite our human nature, imperfections and sins.

And to be honest, I want you guys as my friends. People I can chill with and call up any time without fear of rejection or judgement. Friends that will be there for a lifetime.

As much as I understand the phases and seasons of the many friendships that come and go through our life... For once, I just want some friends that are there for sure. Friends that are there for life. Friends that don't forget you but go out of there way for you.

Maybe I'm being too selfish to ask this. If I am, I'm so sorry God, I've already made so many selfish decisions.

At the end of the day though, thank You God for all the experiences and all the friendships and acquaintances.

Everyone taught me a lesson and brought me closer to You; both those who loved and hated me; both those who stayed and left.

Truly, You were constant through it all.

"But it was right at that moment that I started to realize that silence was in fact inhabited by someone."

I hate it when someone hurts my pride, because then it reminds me that I have pride, and because of that, it reminds me of all my imperfections and the long, tiring road ahead of me.

To me, pride is the enemy of love. It's the enemy of all the relationships we hold dear in life. Most often then not, it makes us let go, but not let God. And in that sense... You let go with hate or indifference, but with the cost of leaving a bit of yourself behind. Someone who says "I don't care" about their problems, to me, already sounds emptier than someone who admits their hurts but perseveres. Only when you are humble and let go and let God can you truly come back to the comforting and warm freedom that is Jesus.

You'll for once look at your past enemies as friends again, or at least as respectful acquaintances. Not as enemies or complete strangers.

Forgiveness goes a long way. But pride stops it. But God can make a way--if you let Him.

"What makes someone fall so far?"

"He was a great soldier once--but he made his choice."

At the end of the day, God is gracious.

Kinda wish I had crazy, outdoor friends that would push me and invite me to things like biking, hiking, road trips and the like.

Friends too that would have confidence in me and trust and wouldn't quietly assume I don't do certain things and even if they knew I didn't they would still genuinely want me there to experience new things and guide me outside of my comfort zone.

Talk about ideals lol.

It all starts with me though. Am I welcoming enough? Maybe I should just be that friend.

Both people's presence and absence teach us lessons. I'm thankful to both the people that were there and the people that weren't.

"...Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" -Job 2:10

Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. (1 John 4:20 NIV)

One of several of my life mottos. Always love and forgive.. This is what God wants, this is what I want.

A world without a hate.

I opened up again about that stuff to another close friend of mine the other day. I cried again haha.. So embarrassing, but relieving as well. It was in public as well, over pho.

What hit me the most though was that she cried for me. The tears though were of hope. She had so much faith in me and most especially in God that good things were planned for me and that one day all that I am and all that I've done and will do would be explained.

I can't even properly describe the moment but it was pretty embarrassing with us both sort of crying over pho haha.

But it was reaffirming none the less. I opened up. I reasserted a true friendship. And the pho was good.

Baby steps and faith. Things will fall into place.

"Only pho warms the heart." Oh man.. Haha

It's like everything I never thought I'd become, I'm becoming.

I have no idea what's going on or where I'm going. I'm holding on Lord, although it keeps getting harder.

Maybe I am losing faith.

What a harsh world.

I'm a very selfish person.

NTS: I'm a priority to God, my family, and a select few friends

God's blessed me with some pretty awesome friends.

Things I talk about here I never open up about in real life, but today I did, to a friend. Not gonna lie I cried a bit, and it was funny to say the least haha, but we both knew it was something I needed.

Thanks man.

"There is a great irony here: proclaiming so much love, experiencing so much hate."

Late in the night and currently sitting in a tub of hot water with chill music playing in the background.

Life's good.

Nothing is completely right, but nothing is completely wrong. Aches and pains of the soul but God and His creation have a soothing touch.

I think what our generation is tragically missing is that many people are no longer comfortable with silence.

So many of us find no peace in quiet rooms or quiet company. We always need noise. And a lot of it.

But in reality, deep down, a lot of us are yearning for silence; for a quiet place.

Somewhere where the voices and the world are completely cut off; where the noise of life and our minds dissipates off into a comforting stillness.

I feel like everything human about me truly wants to give up. I really can't make sense of any of this.. But You alone hold me up.

I believe this is true strength and true perseverance.

The original hope that only comes from You.

My judgement is only for You to decide. No human, angel or devil has say in this.

"The arrow of time—the flow that defines the essential narrative of our lives—may be not just an illusion but a lie."

Love is the only answer.

I must always love, forgive, and respect. And I must always be humble. I feel like the devil even uses my friends and acquaintances (and myself) to put me to the test.

I don't have the time for hate. I literally don't. Life is too short to hate and be envious and waste away your time thinking negatively.

Besides, if Jesus loves them, so much more so am I called to love them as well. Even if they hate me.

"What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?" -Romans 8:31

Times have changed.

Quiet life, and a desert I've come to appreciate. I can't really put into words what I feel but it's a quiet light; a happiness in a different sense. Faith? Hope? Perseverance? I'm not even sure.

Your will be done. Only You know.

God's not finished with me yet.

"There will be those who constantly reject us no matter how respectful we are to them."

A reminder to love and forgive always as God has always loved and forgiven me.

There's always those true few that help you learn more about yourself and why exactly you consider them your true few.

Friends are God's gift to us, as we are to them. We don't have to walk through this life alone.

I'm actually really excited for summer school. School keeps me working hard and my mind active and motivated. Although truly God is behind all of that.

Also though, secretly, I feel like it gives me something to do. And it makes me feel like I'm achieving something (which I am since this is my degree anyway). I guess I feel a bit completely left out of the loop now. I grew up in the sensitive time of high school and PT and YFC shaped me during those times. And so you can tell that me trying to live my life outside of that shell (at least for a bit) is still something I'm trying to figure out.

Things are a bit confusing and lonely at times I'll admit (but then again I've always been a bit like that even during the PT/YFC years and way before those as well; no I'm not being emo, it's just a part of me!) but if there's anything I've learned it's about remembering your first loves (and reality as well): God, family and friends. If your talents, your set assemblies and meetings, or your regular influences of faith are not around any longer, could you hold yourself up? Your relationships? Your faith?

Take away the luxury of all these 'groups' and ask yourself who you are? Take away the talents, the labels, the group names, the teams, the camps, etc. and ask yourself: who are you?

There's a whole world out there that God created, waiting for you to experience and discover. Ya it's human to naturally gravitate to our comfort zones and assimilate ourselves to whatever is locally around us, but for me, I have a desire to see everything and be everything (although I know that's impossible). I want to do so many things and be so many things with this life that God has given me.

Being away from the usual PT and YFC has been going really well to be honest. As much as life is still life with its usual problems, I feel like I've been able to see better with unbiased eyes.

I think now that maybe taking me away from those organizations is allowing me to remember the roots of everything. It's true discernment without the influence of biased opinions. There's only God's voice.

I want the freedom God graced me with. The one He wrote in my heart. Not human created rules, biases, guilt trips, doubting opinions, and righteous men bearing down on my neck. "No I don't want your 2 cents on this. I don't think you realize you're only giving me 2 cents." But what exactly that freedom is is a whole other topic in itself.

But at the heart of the matter, I want to break traditions. I want to break hate and grudges. I don't want to be held back by people who are holding themselves back. I just want to love, live and laugh. And cry as well.

But at the heart of the matter... I just want You. And I just want someone to walk this path with me. I'm really tired of all these divisions. I'm really tired of all these conflicts. When will I meet a friend who's cool with me floating around and coming and going? Maybe I already have them.

My thoughts are a mess. I apologize if nothing makes sense. A lot my sentences sprung from loosely related thoughts.

There's some late night honesty for ya, I guess I should have some late night honest tea as well. Jk.

Good night

Prayer, prayer, prayer.

The only thing in this world I know 100% for sure brings me comfort.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders."

When you look at hate as not something separate from love, but an absence of love, so many problems don't seem to be problems anymore. But sufferings that you can grow from; crosses that we must carry to learn more about how God loves us.

If God is for us, who can be against us?

I always forget that whenever you ask something of God, be it love, humility, happiness or whatever, 90% of the time He will not simply hand it over.

There's always a process; there's always a lesson to be learned. There's always a situation that arises that forces you to choose what you asked for or not.

Will you be humble in your dealings with this person's actions or not? Will you choose to be happy and grateful in this situation or not?

Our crosses may be heavy at times, but we have to remember: if God is for us, who can be against us?

EDIT: I was praying earlier and I realized something. We always ask for things from God, but rarely (well at least for me) do we ask for God to help us get them. We ask for humility and happiness rather than asking God to help us be humble and joyful.

I dunno, this may be just me, but I feel like it makes a lot more of a difference between asking for something and asking God to help you with something.

Real talk and bonding over pho with my brother.

I've never opened up about that topic to anyone. I'm so blessed to have my brother in my life. I also learned so much about him and how he grew through his perspective and how he dealt with his homosexuality.

It's so great to have an inspiring and comforting brother as him. I honestly learned more about what it means to be a man from him than I have from a straight guy! Funny how God works. We all sin in our own ways but He always uses the ironic and unsuspected circumstances to humble us the most.

I feel a lot more comfortable now though knowing that I have at least one person I can tell about the deepest sides of myself without fear or judgement.

It's a stepping stone for sure on my way to learn to trust more. I can say that for sure.

No one ever changes over night. Baby steps.

Thank You, You are my most gracious God. I deserve none of this.

Faith and family: my pillars.

Sometimes the hardest thing to accept, as simple as it may seem, is your own cross. Not asking God "why" or for Him to take you away from the world, but to simply ask that He carry it with you, knowing that before everything, you must accept Him; you must accept your cross.

New chapter? New life? Maybe. A hashtag seems perfect to describe the subtler feeling and message: #thirdround

Emotional vent:

Sometimes I feel like who I am, my good and my bad, is just a source of problems to other guys.

I see the hater glares, the under the breath comments, the backstabbing remarks, the half meant jokes, the constant teasing and trolling. Body language, tone of voice and eye contact are easy to read (I assume) and you should just be honest if you don't really like me.

I'm not too sure what it is exactly about me--although I have a good idea--what the reason may be. But I'm not willing to admit it myself for fear of narcissism.

Either way, I do put part of the blame on my own insecurities and assumptions, but I do see the rest.

And it hurts.

But I can't stop you all from how you choose to perceive me.

We're all Christian and we're all called to love and forgive and so trust me when I say that I am trying my best.

It just sucks because being largely excluded from your own gender sometimes can take a huge tole on one's mental and social health.

I would know.

I really pray that you come to love yourself. If you're full of love, there wouldn't be room to hate or be jealous. That's something I'm working on myself. I hope that you all will come to realize this one day as well.

How can God give me new blessings if my arms are full of old baggage?

Let go.

I'm so scared to open up.

It's one of my biggest fears. I'll open up about shallow problems, or petty drama that'll pass with time. But stuff deep down, the more actual personal problems of myself... I really can't.

Haha. It's really bad I know. And it's something I'm working on. If all these awesome people in my life are willing and humble enough to tell me their deepest darkest secrets and to even cry in front of me, why can't I?

A relationship--no a friendship--is something that takes two people. So why am I being so unfair and building walls?

I need to learn to trust. These people really do care about me.

"The day after I was ordained, we had a little party and my dad stood up and made a toast. He has worked his entire life as an orthopedic surgeon, and he was a very good one. My whole life, his patients have come up to me at one time or another and told me how their lives have been changed because my dad was such a good surgeon. 

So, there my dad was, standing in the midst of these people, and he began to say, 'My whole life, I have used my hands to heal people’s broken bodies. But from now on, my son Michael . . . um, Father Michael . . . will use his hands (at this point, he got choked up) . . . He will use his hands to heal broken souls. His hands will save even more lives than mine have.'"

-Father Mike Schmitz

Was my first time clubbing last night. Went to 560 for Marisha's birthday! I have to say it was pretty fun!

I know I'm imperfect. And I know that everything I do is imperfect. But God is asking me to love anyway.

"The very fact that you're struggling means that you're fighting the good fight."

Was cleaning up my facebook and found all these old notes. Damn. haha

I've definitely grown up.

I was always making up excuses and explanations for it. And I was almost always basing my friends, crushes, faith, future decisions and vocations off of it.

Maybe I was too scared or prideful to admit it before in the past. Or maybe I'm just changing. But nothing really makes me feel more weird than knowing that I've come to a comfortable acceptance of it:

I feel lonely.

And I feel good coming to terms with accepting it. I guess I have faith knowing that this is a natural part of life, and maybe a phase as well. I don't feel lonely in a depressing sense like I have no friends or family. That's not it at all.

But I just feel lonely a lot.

Desires of the heart.

Am I yearning for You? Or am I yearning for her? Or both? Am I just being selfish?

Gee, I don't know.

Good night world; there's some late night honesty for ya.

It's the small things that count. It's the small things that change this world. A smile, a hug, a passing compliment, a conversation with a friend. It's a story of constant humility and love.

"The Lord said, 'Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.'

Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave." -1 Kings 19:11-13

The big, terrible things always seem to be the scariest and the most fearsome. But God constantly reminds us—and those big, terrible things—Who's in charge here.

And He'll use the small things to bring us the utmost needed humility; to remind us that we really aren't that big. And He'll use the small things to remind us that true strength lies in complete vulnerability. Only a God at the Most High would fully understand and know and encourage us to trust in the small things.

What I would give to live in a Miyazaki film.

It's just another heartfelt wish pointing in the direction of my human desire for Heaven. And peace.

Life is blessed. Although I've sinned so much lately, thank You so much for giving me all these experiences and for letting me catch up and rekindle and repair so many old friendships.

I'm so thankful Lord, thank You.

Side note, congrats PT!!! Guess I'll be going to Vegas this summer haha, holla!

"I think something's wrong with me. I meet a lot of people, and at first everything seems to be going okay. But then I start feeling like such an outsider." -Kiki's Delivery Service

"Without even thinking about it, I used to be able to fly. Now I'm trying to look inside myself to find out how I did it." -Kiki's Delivery Service

Shout out to Angelica Cacatian, you're gonna make me cry real hard one of these days lol. Joyful tears that is. You're an awesome person. I'll always be praying for you as well!

When I think about the possibility of love with a special woman, I can't help but feel so selfish. I feel like all I'm asking is what I want, instead of what I could do for her or what she wants. Or what we could do together for our children.

I'm scared of the idea of marriage sometimes, but I'm also scared of the idea of priesthood.

The way I look at it, and the more I think about it, I think I'm just scared of being responsible for big things.

A priest? A father? I'm so focused on sustaining my own life that I've never learned what it's like to chase a girl, or support another person. Maybe experience is the right word.

I feel shallow to the outside world, but too deep on what's going on inside. I really don't know where God is taking me.

My strong desires either point to an obvious path, or a path that must be avoided because I've lost something long ago.

Hmm

It's 2:54 AM. I just wanna sleep haha.

I wonder if things lost in this world could be regained later in heaven.

So that the things we know we have lost now--maybe we can hope that one day, and a not a day in this current life, we can hope to have it again.

In this world you just keep losing things. By God's grace He always blesses us with more and better things, but sometimes I wonder. I wonder especially to those things lost to sin... Is it possible to get it again in this life? Or is it gone now? Because of my own constant slavery to sin, are these certain gifts gone forever without a chance of getting it back in my life right now?

Would there be any point in having it in heaven?

Maybe it is gone forever.

God's love is deeper than the deepest pits of hell and higher than the highest reaches of heaven.

Incoming late night honesty:

Life is good. I've definitely grown and am growing so much. I'm really happy with life and am really grateful for all my blessings. It doesn't mean things are perfect--things have gone wrong and I've messed up a lot lately actually--but my attitude is changing. I'm becoming more sure of myself.

I feel like things from my old self are resurfacing. But it's the good things that's for sure. Looking at it now, I feel like who I am never really changed all that much. It's like I went through a lot of life experiences not to really change me at the core, but to refine me at the core; to strengthen the man that God is intending me to become.

I always felt like I needed to change but I see it now that who I truly am will not shift or budge. Who I am as I am is perfect in God's love and forgiveness. What I DO and CHOOSE and how I REACT and ACT is what changes. It's what God shifts because that's what is tainted and influenced by our daily lives and encounters. Things around me have come and gone and have loved me and hated me, but nonetheless, I really am still Gabriel. Same old Gabe.

And that's awesome.

Thank You for everything, and thank You for never giving up on me although I had given up on myself countless times before.

Life is blessed.

#pG

Man I'm so torn, I wish I had more confidence to do things that my friends naturally like to do. :/ I mean I like to play sports and dance! But I don't feel comfortable doing them with people who all have a huge passion for them. I guess I just want to be surrounded by chill people sometimes you know? Stay with me on my own path of growth till I feel comfortable doing things at their level.

Sometimes it feels like ordinary everyday things of life always seem to make me feel so uncomfortable; I always feel like my entire life is constantly putting myself out of my comfort zone haha.

Nothing bad with that.. But everyday? It's a bit tiring.

Random thoughts of the night.

Obedience

"I'd rather trust and regret, than doubt and regret."

Sigh, the battle rages on. Can't give up though if God isn't.

NTS: I am loved.

I realized that the time I hated and was most angry at God in my life was when I realized He wasn't going to be my genie.

He was going to be my Father.

He wasn't going to grant my wishes to be better, He was going to make me be better.

Life hasn't been comfortable since, but I've never known happiness and love as I do now. And I'm being pushed forward to experience even more.

Chill days, chill jams and chill meals with chill people.

Praise God for friends, talents, delicious meals, long car ride jams, singing our hearts out, and awesome company.

God is too good to me.

Thank You

Humble me, Lord, so that I neither claim that I deserve Your love nor claim that I do not deserve Your love. My sins and my life do not decide whether you love and forgive me.

Lord, I pray that you break my heart for what breaks Yours. This heart belongs to You.

"The Lord never tires of forgiving. It is we who tire of asking for forgiveness." -Pope Francis I

I was having a talk with my dad about the question of evil, confusion, suffering and corruption in the world and in the Church.

While on the topic, I remember reading some things here and there where God even let the devil have permission to wreak havoc and evil upon humanity. It sort of put the question: Why the heck would God let that? Is He just cruel? How good is this God?

And then it came upon me, God is amazing and knows everything and will never put us through something we can't handle. Other than God's complete understanding of our (and angel's and demon's free will), God has an abounding and never ending amount of love, mercy, and forgiveness.

Through God's providence He allows these things not because humanity is capable of handling all this suffering or that He's cruel, but because God is capable and full of love and forgiveness.

The theme of this entire story of our universe is love in the end anyway.

One of the last things Jesus did before He died was forgive the thief beside Him being crucified as well. The man had lived a sinful life, and even up till his last moments he was forgiven of everything.

Some people complain how it's unfair that people living sinfully their entire lives could be forgiven at the last breath. And then we go off complaining how God is so cruel and letting evil go off around the world.

Look at us. We're arrogant, self-righteous and ungrateful in either case.

But loved so much none the less.

In the background of one story, the support character in another, and a main character for his own and for other's.

CP March 14th, 2013

You are constantly hoping that your good fellowship and attitude and your 'love for your fellow man (or women)' will give you peace of mind. You need people - people around you to care for you and to show you that they care. It is this hope that keeps you going, the hope that makes you the type of person that indeed you are. Your own need for approval seemingly makes you always ready to help others and in exchange you seek love, warmth and understanding. You will always listen to others and you are open to new ideas which hopefully will prove fruitful and interesting.

Enough is enough. Nothing seems to be working out as you would like it to and it has got to the stage where you feel as if you can't be bothered anymore. The way you feel is that it would be great if you could be cut off from everything and take it easy - be it only for a short time.

You feel truly deprived - not getting your fair share, but you have accepted the fact that that is the way things are at this time and that it is prudent to let matters slide and not hit your head against the wall -so conform and agree for a while. Accept the situation - nothing can last forever.

Whatever you strive to do, something always seems to be holding you back. There is no subterfuge in you. You are a clear thinker and all you demand from life, in a relationship, is a partner whom you can trust and with whom you can, together, develop a foundation of trust based on understanding. You are your own person and you demand freedom of thought to follow your own convictions. You have no interest in 'two-timing' and all you seek is sincerity and 'straight-dealing'.

You are anxious about all the limitations to which you are subjected to at this time. You feel that you are not valued for what or who you are. You need OUT. So why procrastinate any longer - MOVE!

NTS: you make a life out of what you've been given and not what you're missing.

Only Your love can conquer, only Your love can strengthen and endure.

Preserve what's left God, I pray for Your perseverance. I pray that you preserve only what is You. I understand the rest must go.

Doing full time summer school. There's no summer vacation in the real world anyway, so might as well get the mindset going and summer vacation outta my head!

Life's too beautiful to be jealous or to hate.

Those things didn't last forever, which is why I strayed away from putting it on a pedestal meant for things that last forever.

A really random late night thought:

I just reblogged a post on tumblr depicting a cartoon summary of this girl Malala's fight for the right for education. She was shot in the head by a man related to the Taliban since they had banned women from the right to education.

She was shot in the head for wanting an education as a basic right.

Through this, I realized that I take my education for granted. I'm a huge spoiled brat. People in other parts of the world are dying and suffering just to get an education and here I am being lazy and procrastinating as my parents pay my way through a university level education and the luxury of a degree.

Miraculously, Malala survived the shot to the head and is still fighting for women's right to an education. Now I may not be a woman, but her story still serves its message that I need to be grateful for my education.

I am blessed. And with this blessing I am responsible.

There's a lot of suffering and crying out in the world, and I'm called to be a part of it, and to love it and heal it to the best of my talents and abilities.

It's time to work harder.

"But eventually you learn that you just can’t save anyone no matter how hard you try. People have to want to change, they have to want to do better, and to be better. All you can do is love people and pray for them and be present when they need you. But you can’t save them; at the end of the day, we all have to save ourselves." -Kovie Biakolo

The man that can love a woman, and cherish a friend.

Depending on the reader, that can be interpreted differently, each containing a lesson to learn.

I'm a wallflower.

By reconnecting with old friends, I've made so many more new ones. They're awesome people!

#pG was my first time snowboarding too :) (and I mildly sprained my ankle lol)

Growing up hurts.

But I hope to God you don’t stop growing. I've seen people give up on a lot of things from relationships to dreams, but one thing that absolutely disheartens me is seeing people give up on growing up as if going through with it doesn't promise anything worthwhile or life saving.

This too shall pass.

Keep your head up. =]

People hurt me the most in this life, but they also make me the happiest. That's a fact.

Love makes a way.

"...I, the LORD, have rebuilt what was destroyed and replanted what was desolate. I, the LORD, have promised, and I will do it." -Ezekiel 36:36

"Children needn't grow up believing that they need physical strength to be considered 'strong'." -Hayao Miyazaki

#pG for tonight

"I will give you a new heart and place a new spirit within you, taking from your bodies your stony hearts and giving you natural hearts." -Ezekiel 36:26

"I will put my spirit in you that you may live, and I will settle you upon your land; thus you shall know that I am the LORD. I have promised, and I will do it, says the LORD." -Ezekiel 37:14

The word of The Lord.

My wanderlust is becoming overwhelming.

Now I'm really motivated to learn how to drive.

"I guess our message is that just as bad things can happen to good people, so can something beautiful come from a wicked act."

‎"Not all those who wander are lost." - J.R.R. Tolkien

"You choose the relationships you keep."

God has blessed me with a lot of friends who are all amazing people. I was looking back at some things and found a bunch of affirmation messages I kept from friends. Some of them are from people who I don't really talk to as much anymore because of various reasons, none of them bad reasons of course, but because of the usual changes and seasons of life.

It made me realize how loved I am, even if it was just for a moment or a chapter. I know for sure that at one point, me and that other person shared a bit of something that made us both grow positively.

Now, a lot of them and myself all walk different paths and some of us have gone off to different cities, schools, or social circles.

I'm not really one though to be tied down by all that.

Now that things have been going through a bit of shifting and trimming in my life, I've realized that yes.

Yes, I would like to keep all these friendships I've been blessed with.

Even for just a moment or a chapter. =]

"No one is ever too busy. There is such a thing as full-packed schedules, but if someone truly wants to see you, may it be a friend or a lover, they will set time aside. There is always a way."

Shout out to one of my closest friends, Carlo Aguilar.

Frick man... that apprectiation.

It's friends like you that remind me of God's friendship.

Always praying for you bro, I never stopped.

And that goes for all my other close friends, you know who you are!

http://www.ted.com/talks/colin_stokes_how_movies_teach_manhood.html

I ate a really late dinner and I guess I see why they say its bad to eat before you sleep.

I couldn't fall asleep till around 4am and I had to wake up in 3 hours by then.

So I ended up skipping school for the first time this semester lol, luckily the classes today aren't mandatory. I would have been passing out everywhere anyway :p

Good afternoon :)

Words I feel sometimes a couple of my friends need a reminder of.

"Far too many people are looking for the right person, instead of trying to be the right person." -Gloria Steinem

Don't lose yourself guys. How else are they gonna love and appreciate you fully?

"Assumptions distract from the truth." -Eve no Jikan

When in doubt, love.

Just as we are all called to die, we are all called to live.

It's 2:31 in the morning and I'm having another attack of being wide awake at the most inopportune time. I have to go to mass early tomorrow at 11 (I usually wake up at noon on weekends, as well as attend the evening masses) at OLGC which means I need to wake up by at least 9.

...well I guess this is my fault anyway for making my body adjust to 4am as my usual crash time.

Man, life. That late night honesty though.

A bit too honest.

"The sky is beautiful, but the people are sad."

Natural desires of the heart, I guess.

"The poverty of being unwanted, unloved, and uncared for is the greatest poverty." -Mother Theresa

"Everyone is sad in their own way, but that doesn't mean no one is happy. We're also all happy in our own way."

Very true, bro, very true.

"I opened up and you judged me."

Powerful line. (from Silver Linings, good movie btw! I'd strongly recommend it)

Got accepted into the co-op program! Lord, I pray for Your will.

One key to happiness is to be who you are.

Humans are divided all over the place, so it's natural that you won't be best friends with certain people.

It's not bad. And it shouldn't affect your self-esteem in any way. You're just different people. And no one person or kind of person is better than the other.

Mysteries of life.

You got it spot on, dad.

"The relationship was nice, but for whatever reason, it had to end -- and naturally that resulted in hurt. But it was during those times of hurt that I learned how to love more than I ever did when times were great. It was after the relationship ended that I came to know what 'real love' was, more than I learned when I was in it.

...

Forgiveness was the ultimate expression of love. It was choosing to love someone without asking for anything in return. It was choosing to love someone even if they never 'deserved' it. It was choosing to love someone without expecting an apology. It was choosing to love someone no matter how much they hurt you. It was choosing to look beyond all that.

...

And by forgiveness, I don't mean putting up with disrespect or abuse or prolonged hurt. I mean releasing the bitterness from your heart so you can set yourself free. It's acknowledging that things did hurt you, but moving on anyway."

-Celine Diaz, http://r-e-a-l-talk.blogspot.ca/2013/02/forgiveness-final-form-of-love.html

It's amazing rekindling old friendships.

Praise God

Haha, this basically describes what my past couple of years have been like:

http://r-e-a-l-talk.blogspot.ca/2013/01/feel-like-youve-got-nothing-to-offer.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed:+blogspot/OoqzT+(Real+Talk)

Abby was right, you would understand, Celine.

#pG for friends

Friends and family are another way of God saying "I love you."

Seeing old photos from high school and summer years of PT and YFC.

Damn that nostalgia hurts in the most bittersweet way.

Lol.

A lot of my friends have been "doing it big" lately.

Stepping up in their service, making their name in the dance scene, graduating and getting degrees, starting a business, working towards their careers, travelling the world, volunteering overseas, etc. etc.

I've finally made my decision to get a Bachelors of Science: Health Sciences Degree @ SFU and most likely pursue Med School after. I really hope this is it. No more Nursing for me.

I pray that this is His plan--I really hope this gut feeling deep inside is His voice.

I really want to do it big as well. I'm not that special of a person and I'm certainly not a President or a Pope or an East Cluster Head or an amazing dancer. But the best I hope I can do is this. There's a lot of suffering and sickness in this world.

Someone needs to help out there. A lot of people need help out there.

And then out of nowhere, by surprise and only by His grace and His plan, your heart is opened.

Is it weird or immature to be 19 and almost turning 20 and to have really emo posts on a personal blog?

Sometimes I look back at my old posts and I realize how depressing some of my posts are. But then again, I usually write to sort out my thoughts and obviously your thoughts are most tangled when in the negative side of things. So I guess it's understandable to be seeing a whole bunch of sad, angry and hateful posts because this place is sort of a dump/cleansing area for my mind.

When things are going awesome I'm usually living it out!

It's okay to be human.

"Prayer makes one know happiness. Prayer can teach you how to cry. Prayer can teach how to blossom."

"The humble resemble a rock. Even though the rock lies downward, it is nevertheless firm. The proud are like smoke. Even though the smoke is lofty, eventually it disappears." -Saint Augustine

I've been having several spontaneous days recently and they've been awesome. I really haven't seen a lot of people in awhile cause of school and personal reasons and it's uplifting to be connecting with everyone again.

Blessed week so far, yup.

"After all, if practices from my own tradition can be brought together with scientific methods, then we may be able to take another small step toward alleviating human suffering." -Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama

Life is full of sins and forgiveness, beauty and ugliness, and love and hate.

With all these forces at work tearing at me and making me cry from joy, to sadness, to deep rage and hate, to brokenness and redemption, I honestly feel emotionally wasted a lot of the time.

I don't know what to feel sometimes and man does it feel awkward.

And I just feel guilty because I don't feel the feelings I feel I should feel for Him.

It's all very confusing. But there are constants in my life as well. And I guess living like this with things moving and things not moving, things changing and things not changing, I honestly just don't really know what to do with myself half the time.

I just feel like a hypocrite doing anything or not doing anything at all half the time.

Looking back now, I'm glad I met all the people I've met on my journey through life so far. Bad or good, they all taught me to be better.

Thanks everyone for always continuing to love me.

The people in the most danger and with little hope are the ones who judge and hate.

Closed heart, closed eyes, closed hands.

It’s a tragic way to live.

"Dear children, receive all that the Lord offers you. Do not have your hands paralyzed and do not repeat: 'Jesus, give me'. But open your hands, and take everything that the Lord offers you." -Mother Mary

How can God have such a hard heart?

"God does not have a hard heart. Look around you and see what men do, then you will no longer say that God has a hard heart. How many people come to church, to the house of God, with respect, a strong faith, and love of God? Very few! Here you have a time of grace and conversion. It is necessary to use it well."

I feel like the growing up is getting to me. I started doing that "clean your friends list/following list" thing.

I dunno why I feel so numb about a lot of things. Maybe it's just change. I left PT, and now I'm "leaving" YFC. And even though I'm just a member now, I feel like something is telling me to hold back from going to events for awhile.

I just feel like I'm falling out of everything and now my life is sort of crying from the sudden realization of how much empty and free space there is now.

It was my choice.

I can't even tell now what exactly is holding me back. Fear? Pride? The numbness? The constant nagging to do more and achieve more with my life? What is it?

...

Gosh, I really need my friends right now. I feel sort of at a lost.

I really need someone to talk to.

I guess I should start though at the foundation.

Pray.

Gah, the feels. Those tests though.

Even the smallest incidences can teach the wisdom of a lifetime.

Video Games have taught me that I take every action in from another player personally.

A bit too personally.

I really should just stick to the video games where the only possible option is that my friends are on the same team as me. LOL oh gosh...

Sometimes I find myself so busy hating myself and being guilty about a lot of things that I forget how much I'm loved.

Just reread my first posts on this blog from Jan 2011...

LOL

Holy, I've changed so much. Looking back at what I went through in the past, I'm actually really thankful that God allowed me to go through that. I don't regret anything.

I grew so much from 2011 and 2012...

Praise God. :)

Never have I felt a peace and forgiveness in this world so powerful other than through prayer.

"Need-love says of a woman "I cannot live without her"; Gift-love longs to give her happiness, comfort, protection—if possible, wealth; Appreciative love gazes and holds its breath and is silent, rejoices that such a wonder should exist even if not for him, will not be wholly dejected by losing her, would rather have it so than never to have seen her at all." -The Four Loves by C. S. Lewis (pg. 17)

"When you pray, you must feel more. Prayer is a conversation with God. To pray means to listen to God. Prayer is useful for you because after prayer everything is clear. Prayer makes one know happiness. Prayer can teach you how to cry. Prayer can teach how to blossom. Prayer is not a joke. Prayer is a dialogue with God." -Mother Mary

"The fasting which you are doing in eating fish, instead of meat, is not fasting but abstinence. The true fast consists in giving up all our sins, but one must also renounce himself and make the body participate in it." -Mother Mary

Thus I asked her why God was so merciless in sending sinners to Hell for eternity.

"Men who go to Hell no longer want to receive any benefit from God. They do not repent nor do they cease to swear and to blaspheme. They make up their mind to live in Hell and do not at all contemplate leaving it."

(Man's refusal is an irreversible choice.)

-Medjugorje Marian Apparitions (Mirjana asking Mother Mary)

It's not over till He says it's over.

"They do not follow yet, completely the way of God. They are not aware of the gift which He has made them, that no one deserves. With time, they also will come to follow the right way." -Mother Mary

God has blessed me with so many amazing people and friends in my life.

I wanna go far. I dunno why, I just feel lonely? Sometimes? It's a weird lonely too. It's not really because I have no friends or family. It's not really like that.

It's just a weird overall loneliness. Maybe loneliness is the wrong word for it?

Now that I think about it, I really think loneliness is the wrong word for it.

It's like something is missing, or more yet something just hasn't arrived yet.

...God?

Everyone's been doing it big lately.

I really want to also.