It's like everything I never thought I'd become, I'm becoming.

I have no idea what's going on or where I'm going. I'm holding on Lord, although it keeps getting harder.

Maybe I am losing faith.

What a harsh world.

I'm a very selfish person.

NTS: I'm a priority to God, my family, and a select few friends

God's blessed me with some pretty awesome friends.

Things I talk about here I never open up about in real life, but today I did, to a friend. Not gonna lie I cried a bit, and it was funny to say the least haha, but we both knew it was something I needed.

Thanks man.

"There is a great irony here: proclaiming so much love, experiencing so much hate."

Late in the night and currently sitting in a tub of hot water with chill music playing in the background.

Life's good.

Nothing is completely right, but nothing is completely wrong. Aches and pains of the soul but God and His creation have a soothing touch.

I think what our generation is tragically missing is that many people are no longer comfortable with silence.

So many of us find no peace in quiet rooms or quiet company. We always need noise. And a lot of it.

But in reality, deep down, a lot of us are yearning for silence; for a quiet place.

Somewhere where the voices and the world are completely cut off; where the noise of life and our minds dissipates off into a comforting stillness.

I feel like everything human about me truly wants to give up. I really can't make sense of any of this.. But You alone hold me up.

I believe this is true strength and true perseverance.

The original hope that only comes from You.

My judgement is only for You to decide. No human, angel or devil has say in this.

"The arrow of time—the flow that defines the essential narrative of our lives—may be not just an illusion but a lie."

Love is the only answer.

I must always love, forgive, and respect. And I must always be humble. I feel like the devil even uses my friends and acquaintances (and myself) to put me to the test.

I don't have the time for hate. I literally don't. Life is too short to hate and be envious and waste away your time thinking negatively.

Besides, if Jesus loves them, so much more so am I called to love them as well. Even if they hate me.

"What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?" -Romans 8:31

Times have changed.

Quiet life, and a desert I've come to appreciate. I can't really put into words what I feel but it's a quiet light; a happiness in a different sense. Faith? Hope? Perseverance? I'm not even sure.

Your will be done. Only You know.

God's not finished with me yet.

"There will be those who constantly reject us no matter how respectful we are to them."

A reminder to love and forgive always as God has always loved and forgiven me.

There's always those true few that help you learn more about yourself and why exactly you consider them your true few.

Friends are God's gift to us, as we are to them. We don't have to walk through this life alone.

I'm actually really excited for summer school. School keeps me working hard and my mind active and motivated. Although truly God is behind all of that.

Also though, secretly, I feel like it gives me something to do. And it makes me feel like I'm achieving something (which I am since this is my degree anyway). I guess I feel a bit completely left out of the loop now. I grew up in the sensitive time of high school and PT and YFC shaped me during those times. And so you can tell that me trying to live my life outside of that shell (at least for a bit) is still something I'm trying to figure out.

Things are a bit confusing and lonely at times I'll admit (but then again I've always been a bit like that even during the PT/YFC years and way before those as well; no I'm not being emo, it's just a part of me!) but if there's anything I've learned it's about remembering your first loves (and reality as well): God, family and friends. If your talents, your set assemblies and meetings, or your regular influences of faith are not around any longer, could you hold yourself up? Your relationships? Your faith?

Take away the luxury of all these 'groups' and ask yourself who you are? Take away the talents, the labels, the group names, the teams, the camps, etc. and ask yourself: who are you?

There's a whole world out there that God created, waiting for you to experience and discover. Ya it's human to naturally gravitate to our comfort zones and assimilate ourselves to whatever is locally around us, but for me, I have a desire to see everything and be everything (although I know that's impossible). I want to do so many things and be so many things with this life that God has given me.

Being away from the usual PT and YFC has been going really well to be honest. As much as life is still life with its usual problems, I feel like I've been able to see better with unbiased eyes.

I think now that maybe taking me away from those organizations is allowing me to remember the roots of everything. It's true discernment without the influence of biased opinions. There's only God's voice.

I want the freedom God graced me with. The one He wrote in my heart. Not human created rules, biases, guilt trips, doubting opinions, and righteous men bearing down on my neck. "No I don't want your 2 cents on this. I don't think you realize you're only giving me 2 cents." But what exactly that freedom is is a whole other topic in itself.

But at the heart of the matter, I want to break traditions. I want to break hate and grudges. I don't want to be held back by people who are holding themselves back. I just want to love, live and laugh. And cry as well.

But at the heart of the matter... I just want You. And I just want someone to walk this path with me. I'm really tired of all these divisions. I'm really tired of all these conflicts. When will I meet a friend who's cool with me floating around and coming and going? Maybe I already have them.

My thoughts are a mess. I apologize if nothing makes sense. A lot my sentences sprung from loosely related thoughts.

There's some late night honesty for ya, I guess I should have some late night honest tea as well. Jk.

Good night

Prayer, prayer, prayer.

The only thing in this world I know 100% for sure brings me comfort.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders."

When you look at hate as not something separate from love, but an absence of love, so many problems don't seem to be problems anymore. But sufferings that you can grow from; crosses that we must carry to learn more about how God loves us.

If God is for us, who can be against us?

I always forget that whenever you ask something of God, be it love, humility, happiness or whatever, 90% of the time He will not simply hand it over.

There's always a process; there's always a lesson to be learned. There's always a situation that arises that forces you to choose what you asked for or not.

Will you be humble in your dealings with this person's actions or not? Will you choose to be happy and grateful in this situation or not?

Our crosses may be heavy at times, but we have to remember: if God is for us, who can be against us?

EDIT: I was praying earlier and I realized something. We always ask for things from God, but rarely (well at least for me) do we ask for God to help us get them. We ask for humility and happiness rather than asking God to help us be humble and joyful.

I dunno, this may be just me, but I feel like it makes a lot more of a difference between asking for something and asking God to help you with something.

Real talk and bonding over pho with my brother.

I've never opened up about that topic to anyone. I'm so blessed to have my brother in my life. I also learned so much about him and how he grew through his perspective and how he dealt with his homosexuality.

It's so great to have an inspiring and comforting brother as him. I honestly learned more about what it means to be a man from him than I have from a straight guy! Funny how God works. We all sin in our own ways but He always uses the ironic and unsuspected circumstances to humble us the most.

I feel a lot more comfortable now though knowing that I have at least one person I can tell about the deepest sides of myself without fear or judgement.

It's a stepping stone for sure on my way to learn to trust more. I can say that for sure.

No one ever changes over night. Baby steps.

Thank You, You are my most gracious God. I deserve none of this.

Faith and family: my pillars.

Sometimes the hardest thing to accept, as simple as it may seem, is your own cross. Not asking God "why" or for Him to take you away from the world, but to simply ask that He carry it with you, knowing that before everything, you must accept Him; you must accept your cross.

New chapter? New life? Maybe. A hashtag seems perfect to describe the subtler feeling and message: #thirdround

Emotional vent:

Sometimes I feel like who I am, my good and my bad, is just a source of problems to other guys.

I see the hater glares, the under the breath comments, the backstabbing remarks, the half meant jokes, the constant teasing and trolling. Body language, tone of voice and eye contact are easy to read (I assume) and you should just be honest if you don't really like me.

I'm not too sure what it is exactly about me--although I have a good idea--what the reason may be. But I'm not willing to admit it myself for fear of narcissism.

Either way, I do put part of the blame on my own insecurities and assumptions, but I do see the rest.

And it hurts.

But I can't stop you all from how you choose to perceive me.

We're all Christian and we're all called to love and forgive and so trust me when I say that I am trying my best.

It just sucks because being largely excluded from your own gender sometimes can take a huge tole on one's mental and social health.

I would know.

I really pray that you come to love yourself. If you're full of love, there wouldn't be room to hate or be jealous. That's something I'm working on myself. I hope that you all will come to realize this one day as well.