Such an awesome Winter Break so far. I've reconnected with so many old friends and I worked a lot and made a lot of my own money.

I honestly don't know what I've done to deserve this, although I know very well that there is nothing I could possibly do to deserve it anyway, but I'm just so thankful right now.

Thank You, God.

I hope one day to say "I love You" with the purest heart.

"Do not be afraid of injustice. It has always existed."

"Who else could cause so much destruction? Who else tears relationships apart not for the intention of growth, but for the intention of hate?"

Maybe I never really did fit in. Haha :/

Er, maybe more like I never really did fit in 100% or as much as I thought I did.

I think that's what my root problem is: it's hard for me to stay emotionally committed.

I can be committed by choice. But committed by emotion as well?

That's a tough one.

...And God does it again. haha

In response to my thoughts and my previous post:

http://r-e-a-l-talk.blogspot.ca/2012/12/letting-go-of-yesterday-appreciating-now.html?showComment=1356005550518#c256998729539199157

Why worry? I know God loves me. All change is according to His Divine Will.

It makes me kinda sad when you don't really keep up contact with a friend for a couple of years and then when you reunite with them, your life has already made you into someone else and their life has made them into someone else and you're both just different people now.

And it's awkward because you try to act and communicate with them using your past self, but that obviously doesn't work out because you're just so different from before and it just feels more awkward.

I don't know.

I miss the friendship I had with certain people.

But that's the thing, the idea of the friendship I had with them is something of the past now. And with all things that are in the past, we have to let go and move on.

I guess it's just that time again where you have to just meet them again with who you are now, and let them meet you again with who they are today.

It's like starting over, except now we're friends not based on our past selves, but who we are now.

But we'll always remember the memories.

(I guess I just get tired of always having to start over.)

Late night honesty?

"Fearless? I don't think that's quite right. If you think too hard, you become lost... I think that's what everyone's afraid of..." -Squall, FFVIII

There is no hole too deep for God.

Trust for me..? Trust for me is being who I am and trusting that they won't leave because of that.

"Because me being mad at myself for not being able to believe in Him anymore is the only feeling towards Him I have left. And the worst part is, is that I don't know why this is happening."

Ironic as it sounds.. I know exactly how that emptiness feels. I'm praying for you, I have faith He'll bring you through.

He brought me through and still is.

It's not a matter if you can do it, or if anyone can do it. All I know is that He is able.

Hmm

(emo), YOLO x Swag, Mic your mute. Last meeting of the year. I'll miss doing this with you guys dearly.

Biggest inspirations in my life? My family.

I'm so blessed to have my family. Real talk.

We all have that friend

We may not talk to them everyday, but they understand us more than anyone in the world. You know they’ll always be there for you in your time of need when none of your other friends will. To that friend, I just wanna say I love you and thank you for always being a true friend.

To #PlaylistA

Thank you guys for always being true friends. Honestly, I can't thank you all enough for everything you have done for me. Foreal... :')

Life sucks sometimes but I know I'm loved. And I know I must continue to love.

Maybe that's all God wants for me...?

My first bad day at work. :(

In the words of a broken heart it's just emotion.

I received nothing that I wanted, but everything I needed.

Well... The sun's still shining, the sky's still blue, the trees are still green, and my family still loves me. My friends changed a bit but I found some true ones, reconnected with old ones, and made so many new ones.

Life is good.

"I believed. You [have to] believe it. You can't believe [anything] if you're hating. You can't achieve [anything] if you're hating." -R. Kelly

Love unfailing / overtaking my heart

Friday night home alone after a long week and I'm entertaining myself to FFIX, new music, youtube and the internet and laughing so hard by myself at the things I see and read.

I actually needed this so bad :') lol

"What's a saviour?"

"A saviour...is a really important friend."

-Wei to her child, FFIX

"Don't let our memory become a burden. You must always be light-hearted and free." -Morrison, FFIX

"Vivi, have you figured out a solution to your problem?"

"Not really. But I'm moving on."

-Zidane & Vivi, FFIX

"You'd think with all the problems in this world, there'd be more answers... It's not fair... but that's the way things are. The choice is yours. I just wanna protect the people I'm with. Doesn't matter whether I can or not. It's what I believe in." -Zidane, FFIX

"He wanted to know more about himself, maybe...One day, the man left and went on a quest to find the answer. His only clue was the blue light he saw in his dreams..."

"A blue light?"

"Yeah. He thought it might be a memory of his birthplace. An ocean, maybe...?"

-Zidane (to Garnet), FFIX

"He's going to come out again one day, right? When he does, I'm going to wash him off in the pond." -Black Mage No. 56, FFIX

Not too sure how I'm doing right now, but I'm really glad that I chose to go to mass today.

I'm sorry.. but thank You.

I hear Your voice... deep in the stirring of my heart. Barely though, like a whisper. But it has moved me more than the loudest praise and worship or the confidence and fire of a leader.

It's a bittersweet feeling. A sweet, peaceful, quiet and refreshing drop tied with the deepest sorrow and suffering I have ever felt.

It's filled with the cry of that undying light inside of me that was given to me by You (because it is that little piece of You, I believe) that desperately wants to be united back with its Creator, with its whole self.

It hurts so much in the most beautiful way and it's the greatest mystery that in the next second of adoration, I could desecrate and revile it with a simple "free choice" into darker oceans.

One moment I blame You for everything, the next I'm begging You for forgiveness.

It's true.. I can't have two masters.

I need to make my choice.

But how many times have I made that choice?

Hum dee dum...

This feels weird.

Today we (Surrey 2 Core) had our meeting today to relay and finalize our new leaders for 2013. I'm so glad and proud for Sean who will be stepping up as the new brother chapter head next year. Also I'm happy that Ronn will be moving on, I really think he needs this. Emily is staying which is awesome; she'll be a great help to all the new leaders since we'll also be having 3 unit head slots, each one for St. Matt's, Precious Blood and St. Ann's and each needing a brother and sister. Right now for brothers we're hoping for Patrick Ruiz, Irvin Villarama and Kevin Locsin and for sisters we're hoping for (excluding Emily) Jenny Labayog, and either Kathryn Cruz or Angelica Cacatian. Abby I know has desires to leave but after Tito Jun's comment today, I'm not too sure what's going through her mind right now. But right now, from the core's perspective, she's staying.

Ya...

It's a bit weird that I'm leaving now all of a sudden. Although in a way, it is what I asked for, it's just... odd. Either way, I want to be firm in my decision and not look back. There's still so much to see and experience outside of YFC, and I thank God so much for all the friends and lessons I've gained through my 4ish-5ish years through it. It's honestly been such a blessed chapter in my life altogether!

I'm pretty sure I can write a so much more heartfelt post about this but it's not like I'm leaving for good so I'll try my best not to make it appear so.

Anyway though.. I want to say goodbye with a smile on my face. =]

Here's to the rest of my term, and to the new life next year, and to my future!

God bless

Despite all the sins, hurts, hate and wrongs in my life, I know I'm still living here on Earth. And every second is a choice to do better, to be better, and to surrender it all to Him.

Life sucks sometimes, but only because I make it suck. I know through it all, beneath it all, above it all and around it all I'm so blessed to have God's love.

"There is nothing you can do to God to make Him love you less."

One of the first lines about Him that I ever learned and it's something that is crucial to my well being. Sin does exactly as its supposed to and it's been doing so now... but it's power is nothing compared to the power of His love and mercy.

Whatever hope and joy that I experienced in the past is something I should realize to have come from God alone. My friends were instruments of His love, but the love and growth itself came from Him alone. What was once in the past is not lost, it is just time now that I find and apply these things to the present. To now. It came from different sources in the past, but that's the thing, it's the past. God wants to carry me through so many more chapters and take me to views of different highs and lows, but nonetheless ever closer to Him.

There's beauty not just at the view of the high mountain peaks, but in the low valleys where the forests and rivers are as well.

"Sometimes I wonder what it feels like to be God.

What it feels like to create a living being from nothing and love it more than anything. What is it like to create millions of these wonderful beings knowing full well that so many of them will despise your very existence and create them anyways. What does it feel like to be hated by the thing you love most. What’s it like for one of them to say they love you more than anything but for their actions to prove the opposite. What is it like to give knowing they can never give as much back to you. What is it like when you give someone a second, third, fourth, tenth chance knowing that they will still fail you. What is it like to always end up with the  short end of the stick. What must it be like to be the most powerful thing in existence yet place yourself very last. What is it like to be hated for being love itself. Sometimes I wonder these things and it makes me unbelievably thankful that I’m on the opposite end.

I know I can never return the love that God has for me to the full extent that He has given it but it doesn't mean I can’t give Him everything I have."

-Adriana Maravilla

Introduction

On my 19th birthday, Kathryn gave me a book called "The Four Loves" by C.S. Lewis. I've just started to read it now and he's already said so much just in the introduction that really stood out to me and got me thinking. The book is only about 141 pages long but it took me two nights to finish just the introduction. The first night was because I fell asleep (I was pretty tired that day) but on the second night (today) it took me awhile to finish the other half because on almost every paragraph I read there was something that just applied to my life and then my mind would just wander and philosophize and I would have to put the book down for a good 5 minutes thinking about whatever.

Anyway, I really want to note down some of the stuff that have just opened my eyes.

Just some keywords that C.S. Lewis made that appear a lot in the introduction:
Need-love: the desire to be loved
Gift-love: to love

"We are born helpless. As soon as we are fully conscious we discover loneliness. We need others physically, emotionally, intellectually; we need them if we are to know anything, even ourselves."

"A tyrannous and gluttonous demand for affection can be a horrible thing. But in ordinary life no one calls a child selfish because it turns for comfort to its mother; nor an adult who turns to his fellow "for company." Those, whether children or adults, who do so least are not usually the most selfless."

"Where Need-love is felt there may be reasons for denying or totally mortifying it; but not to feel it is in general the mark of the cold egoist."

"Since we do in reality need one another ("it is not good for man to be alone"), then the failure of this need to appear as Need-love in consciousness—in other words, the illusory feeling that it is good for us to be alone—is a bad spiritual symptom; just as lack of appetite is a bad medical symptom because men do really need food."

"Every Christian would agree that a man's spiritual health is exactly proportional to his love for God. But man's love for God, from the very nature of the case, must always be very largely, and must often be entirely, a Need-love. This is obvious when we implore forgiveness for our sins or support in our tribulations. But in the long run it is perhaps even more apparent in our growing—for it ought to be growing—awareness that our whole being by its very nature is one vast need; incomplete, preparatory, empty yet cluttered, crying out for Him who can untie things that are now knotted together and tie up things that are still dangling loose."

*"Mountain walk to the village" analogy on the difference between "nearness to God by likeness" and "nearness to God by approach", pg. 5

"What is near Him by likeness is never, by that fact alone, going to be any nearer. But nearness of approach is, by definition, increasing nearness. And whereas the likeness is given to us—and can be received with or without thanks, can be used or abused—the approach, however initiated and supported by Grace, is something we must do."

"Hence, as a better writer has said, our imitation of God in this life—that is, our willed imitation as distinct from any of the likenesses which He has impressed upon our natures or states—must be an imitation of God incarnate: our model is the Jesus, not only of Calvary, but of the workshop, the roads, the crowds, the clamorous demands and surly oppositions, the lack of all peace and privacy, the interruptions."

"St. John's saying that God is love has long been balanced in my mind against the remark of a modern author (M. Denis de Rougemont) that "love ceases to be a demon only when he ceases to be a god"; which of course can be re-stated in the form "begins to be a demon the moment he begins to be a god." This balance seems to me an indispensable safeguard. If we ignore it the truth that God is love may slyly come to mean for us the converse, that love is God."

"We may say, quite truly and in an intelligible sense, that those who love greatly are "near" to God. But of course it is "nearness by likeness." It will not of itself produce "nearness of approach." The likeness has been given to us. It has no necessary connection with that slow and painful approach which must be our own (though by no means our unaided) task. Meanwhile, however, the likeness is a splendour. That is why we may mistake Like for Same. We may give our human loves the unconditional allegiance which we owe only to God. Then they become gods: then they become demons. Then they will destroy us, and also destroy themselves. For natural loves that are allowed to become gods do not remain loves. They are still called so, but can become in fact complicated forms of hatred."

Those moments when you realize that it's time to let go of a friendship.

Hmm.

His plan? Or my pride? Always the question for every time this has come up and I've never been able to answer it until the consequence has already happened.

Are You an Introvert or Extravert?

Ambivert

You're an ambivert! You possess traits of both extraverts and introverts, lying somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. While you do enjoy spending time alone, you also equally enjoy social situations. Where you fall on any given day really depends on your mood; some days you want to keep to yourself, and on others you're the life of the party!

55.3% of people that have taken this quiz have achieved this result.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-11

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

²     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

⁹ What do workers gain from their toil? ¹⁰ I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. ¹¹ He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet^[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

In the process of solidifying myself and growing up, I've realized that my old self has slowly been creeping back subtly in the background.

But to what extent? A lot of the sad parts of my life were during when I was younger, and so I guess it's only natural to fear that if I act like my old self... I'll lose all the blessings God has given me now.

But in the process of solidifying myself and growing up, I have to give all that I am up to God; He's asking for every single nook and cranny of who I am. And in doing so, it means coming back to even that old self.

I guess being in YFC and PT and the whole new life really took a toll on me as it demanded that an extroverted side of me come out or be created.

Was I being fake? I just wanted to experience a new side of life and learn about all that the world and other people had to offer. No, I don't think I was being fake, I think God was just revealing more to me of who I really am.

And now that I look at it, I've seen enough now of this extroverted side of me, but God doesn't want this extroverted side to be the only me. He doesn't want me to forget that introverted Gabe.

And to be honest I don't want to either. My quiet strength and determination came from that Gabe. And with all this dust starting to settle, I feel like I have been so lost in trying to vie for attention and love and do everything I wanted to do in life to impress others and have everyone and all my friends accept me that in that loud busting world of extroversion, I forgot how it was to be quiet and alone in my room.

And I miss that. I feel like I've become so drunk on these idols of pleasing people and fishing for praise and attention that I forgot that other side of myself. That other side of myself that was there before everything else, there before my life in YFC, PT, high school, summer usuals, and whatever else.

In the process of solidifying myself and growing up, I know God is calling me to bring everything that I am to Him. And it means coming back to my roots as well. I've lived an awesome and exciting life these past few years, but I'm tired of only being half of me.

I want to be me. I don't want to be a "natural-introvert-learned-extrovert" anymore. I just want to be Gabriel Canizares.

The Gabriel Canizares that God cherishes.

Haven't had such a good pastoral in a long time. :)

And although I constantly feel so insecure and feel like I did a terrible job, I'm so blessed to have lead it.

I'm really praying for our household heads. I'm really praying for my friends.

Temptations all around to be and do things that aren't you. Things that aren't even sinful or bad! But they're just not what you're truly passionate about or really show who you really are.

And they're so tempting only because at the heart of it all, you just want to be accepted and be with friends who used to be your closest ones in the past.

#middaymusings

This is basically my one free day to sit and do nothing. I better appreciate this. haha I worry too much over everything.

Was reading through old posts, and I randomly thought about something:

Shout out to Bryan Abas

This guy man... I dunno why but things I usually keep just between God and myself I've told him. Things I've never dared to tell anyone about. Not even some of my closest friends or even my family.

I really don't know why I talk to him about it, not that it's bad that I do or that I don't consider him a close friend of mine, but like how everyone gives off their own unique aura, I guess his is pretty unique to me that I tell him my deepest thoughts that surpass late night honesty (haha).

I guess maybe it was his only-child upbringing that we sort of have this connection that even though we both act a bit weird and outgoing on the outside, we have a deeper understanding of being alone with your thoughts, a subtle introverted side, and we both sort of observe the world and thoughts around us. I think the latter part might just be me though, but I know Bryan has this understanding side of him that I feel okay telling him about it even if he doesn't understand. If that makes sense?

Anyway though, this is a pretty homo post.

I'm jk lol

Foreal though, a good friend for sure. :)

Camp E(X)change

You were a beautiful experience, a hard trial, a lesson learned, and a step in my discernment.

Thank You, God, for calling me to be the brother Camp Leader.

Shout out to Emily Potusek, Sean Santos and Angelica Cacatian and the rest of the service team. Best team ever. :')

We're in this together. Thank You.

One other thing though:

For HLT, I was asked to lead the opening worship which was special because it was an Exhortation.

I've never lead one before and prior to that, I didn't even know that it was an exhortation or what exhortation even meant. So when I arrived at the Potusek's house that morning, I had arrived thinking I would just be doing an opening worship and the usual fast-song-slow-song but Anton (my Cluster Head) filled me in on everything and what exactly it is and how it goes and then asked me what I was going to be saying. I was bit a overwhelmed at first, but Anton encouraged me saying that it would be the same thing I would be doing at camp so I prayed and planned out generally what I was going to say during the Exhortation.

I'll leave out what I planned to say for it to keep this post simple but my point is that it was just such a blessed experience.

While doing the exhortation, I was trying hard to just surrender myself and let God do as He willed not only through my emotions, but through my free will of choosing Him and through faith in Him. To be honest, like most experiences for me this past year, I didn't really feel much. I felt the same old pangs of doubt, fear and uncertainty but just like most experiences for me this past year, I simply just chose to do His will.

No expectations for emotions, feelings or spiritual highs, but only the simple choice of doing it for God. Like Nike's logo: "Just do it."

After it was concluded, I continued with my day and I felt a simple peace with myself. I'm still not too sure how to perfectly describe it, but the best way I can explain it is that it's a peace that sits within perseverance. Things aren't comfortable, there are still a lot of doubts, fears and temptations surrounding my heart.. but I'm at peace.

I know God is with me through it all.

As my day continued, I got a text while at work from Christina Potusek (my other Cluster Head) and it said probably one of the most moving messages for me this year:

"Hey! Just wanted to say that this morning's worship really lifted me. The Spirit was working through you! Sorry I didn't get a chance to tell you earlier."

For me, what surprised me and really shook me was that even though I wasn't feeling too high about things and I was having constant doubts in my heart while leading the worship, somehow God had still managed to use me as His instrument. Even though I felt all this negativity in my heart, while still simply choosing to do God's will, He still worked through me. At that moment, although I did not feel secure and healed in my own heart, God was still working through mine to help others' hearts.

That day taught me a valuable lesson. No, if anything, not only did it teach me a lesson, but it solidified and answered questions and doubts in my heart. It showed me that truly, even in our good or in our bad, in our happiness or in our sadness, in our faith or in our doubt, if we simply choose to let God have His way despite  all that we feel, He will truly make a way. And even if you don't feel that a way has been made in your heart yet, through you He is still creating a way for other people.

Truly, in my victories and in my sin, in my happiness and in my sadness, and in my faith and in my doubt, may all the glory and praise go to God, my Lord and my Saviour.

Amen.

Long story short:

I wasn't supposed to be in school this semester because if I get too many post-secondary credits, I won't be able to go to school the semester after because I won't be able to get into Nursing with my High School GPA, and also, anything I take now for the General Science Degree at SFU has nothing to do with Nursing. But my parents forced me anyway. Soon enough, I got too stressed with the amount of work I was getting (5 courses) and so I dropped Calculus, but on the condition that I step down as a leader in YFC.

Pretty much I already had been fighting to stay in YFC since Grade 12. One reason I quit PT was to show my parents that I understood the value of sacrifice and also so that I could stay in YFC.

Of course along the way there's a lot more deeper and emotional things to the story, but I've kept it short and concise for simplicity's sake.

But anyway...

I'm not too sure if this is spiritual warfare or God leading me to a new chapter in life, because it is reasonable that I do focus on my future, school and family first anyway. And I'm still faithful and serving God through those areas as well.

It's just ironic because before I didn't want to serve but I was forced to stay, and now I want to serve but I have to leave.

Hm.

“You learn to speak by speaking, to study by studying, to run by running, to work by working, and just so, you learn to love by loving. All those who think to learn in any other way deceive themselves.” -St. Francis de Sales

"I noticed your happiness depends a lot on your friends."

Words you repeat a lot in your heart somehow hit so much harder and seem so much more real when it comes out of the mouth of someone else.

Those words were an affirmation. Almost as if because that now that those words had been spoken into the open and solidified in the air by someone else, it was like they were saying: "it's okay now Gabe, you can start letting go and moving on now, time to change and grow up for the better."

I'd moved on already, but it was only 99%. I guess that 1% was left and guarded by God so that I would realize that I still do need people. I need friends. I don't have to close up to everyone because friends are a huge portion of how God works through us.

We're made to be a community of loving individuals surrounded and inspired by His love.

I remember one of the 3 steps to escape any kind of fatigue, and spiritual fatigue especially for that matter, was to have recourse to outside power. And that does not only include God and His grace, but your family and your friends who He works through many times.

I feel like finally I can just sort of start ending that chapter in my life. I can move on now--fully--and start flowing with whatever God is painting now.

Praise God for God.

All the rights, all the wrongs, and still this life gives me a lot of hope and joy.

All because of Him alone.

Life is blessed right now. And camp preparations are well underway. Angelica and Sean made sick logos! I'm pretty excited. :)

Just keep praying though for focus and guidance and a reminder that it is God Who is leading this camp. All of us are servants.

Praise God for friends man. Honestly, thank You so much for them, they really know how to keep me in check and they always have my back.

Please Lord God, help me to be patient with others and to love and forgive and most especially be humble to those who hurt me.

#pG

Shout out to Mikey Raymundo! One of my best bros straight up. =]

I called, He answered. I cried, He comforted. I suffered, He suffered with me. I lived, He died for me.

With the new school year well underway and a busy month ahead for Surrey 2, preparations for Camp Exchange have begun and already I can see the warfare springing up everywhere.

But that's besides about what I really want to blog about.

Right now, I'm extremely happy.

Things have been turning around for the better ever since I really declared in my heart that I wanted to rebuild my relationship with Christ. I would truly say that things are being rebuilt. I praise Him so much for all His graces and blessings. I've seen Him working His providence in many small things from a text with a bit of a bitter message suddenly not being able to be sent and so allowing me to reconsider my words (and prevent a huge misunderstanding) to gut feelings of asking for a ride home instead of bussing and ending up having a really good one-on-one with one of my household members.

There's so much I could write right now about How awesome things have been and how I've been growing so much, being able to see Him again more and more clearer, and just all this wisdom that has been pouring into my thoughts lately, but I'm dead tired from a long day of school and homework.

So with that, I know Jesus already reads the words, emotions and praises that I want to lift up to Him, and so, a good night to you all.

God bless

PS Just read that my last post (a bit on the opposite end of this post) was just 4 days ago. To me I do see and realize that a lot of my emotions do show up in my writing (I do tend to hide a lot of what I really feel...) and it's a great way for me to reflect on my thoughts and who I am and how I work in my mind. It really shows me the importance of Reason and Emotions and how to harness both for the fruits of faith.

Still working on it for sure. But Praise God either way in my sadness and happiness and in my doubt and in my faith.

School is great so far, a lot of work but I'm willing to put in my all. And it's cool to be seeing everyone again!

Other than that, faith wise.. things have been a bit dry and in the ditch lately to be honest.

It's really tiring.

I keep going forward though. I'm on this road to rebuild my relationship with Him. I pray and hope for God to wake me up and take away my blindness.

Guilty pleasure: I'm about to settle down in my bed with my lap top to watch Michelle Phan on youtube do whatever she's doing while I listen to chill night time music... man she's so pretty... like as a person as well.

And that's what usually gets me so interested in girls. Their personality more so than their looks. Straight up.

Anyway though on a more serious note: I'm healing.

Also had my first shift today at work! It was an awesome experience.

#pG

Don't give up. Stay positive in Christ.

NTS: The sacraments are there from God as gifts, not because we're angels, but because we aren't angels and we need His grace. They're there for the offer because He loves us and knows we need Him.

The real talks with Tina and later Clarissa and Bryan made me finally put what I've been feeling these past months into words.

What I'm trying to do is rebuild my relationship with Christ.

When I first came to Him, it was with an innocent and fully trusting faith in Him as He tore away hurts and scars from my childhood with promises of a new life. I truly felt like a new creation and life felt like a bit of heaven. But as I went through the phases of growing up (and I am still now of course), I got hurt, betrayed and pushed around by a lot of people that I trusted the most and I fell into an extremely low time in my spiritual life and faith. My mistake was blaming God for my wrongs and their wrongs when in reality it was all just OUR wrongs.

Now, I've built up walls and denied my own shortcomings. My pride has become subtler, but even more dangerous and it would be correctly defined as fake humility. In dealing with a lot of my friends now, there is a lot of insecurity and distrust, and all of it is rooted in fear because of past hurts. Closing my heart off has only let it harden and now my faith, service and myself suffer from that. It's ironic because the past me claimed to have the answers to what I'm going through now, but I see now that it is only through the grace of Christ that anyone can be lifted up.

I'm tired of what I'm doing to myself and how it has made me treat others. I can't trust my closest friends, I'm extremely insecure with who I am, I gossip behind my closest brothers' backs, I hate others, I compare myself to others which is unfair to myself and them, I've developed a prideful wall that is easily insulted and lashes out, and all in all I've become exactly the things I swore to stand against.

But despite all the negative things I've experienced these past couple of years, I know that I've experienced so many wonderful things and met so many awesome, humbling and inspiring people through it all. All the positive things truly serve to show that God never left me. Never did He abandon me. Never did He stop loving me.

I know even now it's still so hard to get that.. and I'd say to myself a lot: "being human sucks sometimes, we're very confusing." But I need to lay it all down instead of searching for an explanation because I know that in time that will come. I miss the old me. I miss my faith from before. I miss a lot of things from the past.

But God didn't put me through what I went through if He didn't want me to become a better person. Sure, things may have seemed picture perfect to me before, but if God put me through what I've been through, then I should trust His providence in knowing that truly then, things can be so much better and He is leading me to that now.

The way I see it now, what I felt in my heart before in terms of faith was pure and good. And so now, aiming for that purity and goodness through Christ, God is now leading me to that again, but this time with a stronger foundation, a newer and better me, and an overall better understanding of the world and people around me.

In the end God wants me to bear more fruit for Him. And to do so is to love and to forgive. In a way I feel like He is tearing me open so that my heart has more room for all different kinds of people, not just a select few that I feel comfortable with.

Who knows though, He could be taking me down an entirely different path.

But before all that...

I need to rebuild my relationship with Christ.

Amen.

God bless

People hurt you. And then you become things you swore to fight. Things you claimed were wrong. Things you claimed you were against.

People hurt you and in retaliation you let your pride grow, your selfishness, your walls and hate.

Most people are the way they are because they've been hurt. Hurt from everything from the small snide comments and playful pushing around and bullying to being betrayed from your family and friends.

The hardest battles ever fought were for forgiveness and humility.

panegyric

pan·e·gyr·ic

   [pan-i-jir-ik, -jahy-rik]

noun

1.

a lofty oration or writing in praise of a person or thing;eulogy.

2.

formal or elaborate praise.

Always, Numerous Times

Somewhere, a Voice calls, in the depths of my heart
May I always be dreaming, the dreams that move my heart.

So many tears of sadness, uncountable through and through
I know on the other side of them I’ll find You.

Everytime we fall down to the ground we look up to the blue sky above
We wake to it’s blueness, as for the first time.

Though the road is long and lonely and the end far away, out of sight
I can with these two arms embrace the Light.

As I bid farewell my heart stops, in tenderness I feel
My silent empty body begins to listen to what is real.

The wonder of living, the wonder of dying
The wind, town, and flowers, we all dance one unity.

Somewhere a Voice calls in the depths of my heart:
"Keep dreaming your dreams, don’t ever let them part."

Why speak of all your sadness? Or of life’s painful woes?
Instead let the same lips sing a gentle song for you.

The whispering Voice, we never want to forget,
in each passing memory always there to guide you.

When a mirror has been broken, shattered pieces scattered on the ground
Glimpses of new life, reflected all around.

Window of beginning, stillness, new light of the dawn
Let my silent, empty body be filled and reborn.

No need to search outside, nor sail across the sea
'Cause here shining inside me, It’s right here inside me.

I’ve found a Brightness, It’s always with me.

To observe, to listen, to pray, to do the small things, and most especially to love.

As of right now, I feel like that embodies my life's purpose.

My vocation has always been a question for me, but in all honesty most of the time a married life has not really been as up there or prominent as the other two paths. For several reasons I shy away from the possibility of the married life, but ignoring the negative reasons, my positive ones do show a lot of more of just... who I am, I guess!

I've always looked up to people like Mother Teresa, or support characters in your games, books and movies. In playing team based games I've always felt more in tune with being the "healer" or "support" and in playing team based sports I've always naturally shifted to playing defense whether it was soccer, basketball, or ultimate or whatever.

Sometimes I feel like I accuse myself of settling into complacency by wanting to settle down in the background of everything, but when I look at it, and I see all the suffering in the world, I just think to myself: "Someone has to do it."

And so... in all this I hope to become a person in God where I observe His beauty and glory in everything, I listen to the tears and broken hearts of His children, I pray for the world and all its suffering, I do the small things in life with great love, and most especially I love and forgive not just my family and friends, but all of humanity, just as God has loved and forgiven me.

Because of these desires in my heart... I feel like I can't contain that to just my own possible future wife and children. I feel like I care so much about so many people.

But in the end, I still have so much to learn about myself and God and His love. And so, wherever he takes me--marriage, blessed single life or holy orders--I will always be praying for a heart of love, and a life wholly dedicated to my Lord and my God: Jesus Christ.

Dear God,

*old post I found from way back but it was never published for some reason. Hmm. That's just like me, afraid to admit what I really want to say.*

I want to get out.

To be honest, through all of these trials I've learned how there's so much more to know, I've learned more about myself and especially my darker sides, and I've learned a lot about standing for my faith.

I've grown I know, maybe I haven't been growing branches, but I've been growing in my roots for sure. These roots that reach down deep into Your heart. Your love. Your truth.

But, I want to go now. I want to get out. I had a lot of fun with the people you've brought into my life, but I guess I got too attached? I don't know. I know you wanted me to learn these lessons but.... it really hurt. It really hurt. I just want this chapter in my life to end already, but I know this is all according to Your time.

Just as You are higher than man, so are Your ways higher than mine.

Took care of a sick friend today. It was Patrick. He called me up and sounded like he was dying and home alone and he asked me to get him some Timmies soup and bagel so I did and got to his house and basically watched over him till his mom got home.

She works at the hospital and when she came home she asked how my patient was doing. haha. foreshadow to my future? I dunno why that one line stuck out to me so much.

Desires of the heart.. desires of the heart.

I actually can't wait to start working and making my own money!

At the end of the day, I know that it is God Who's holding me together. He always has been.

Got my first job at Urban Planet!!!! Thank You so much.

Had an awesome active day! Played ball and tennis at JH. Mind you I haven't played sports since grade 10 so it was exhilarating!

I really miss playing sports.

Anyway, I was supposed to go to the Night Market tonight or continue to chill with Mike and John and whoever else but I decided to go home. But now I sort of regret it because I just realized that I'm about to turn 19 in an hour so it would have been awesome if my first hours of being 19 would have been with some close friends out somewhere haha, but that's okay. I went home so I can sleep early and wake up for the 9 am mass @ OLGC tomorrow. I want to go for confession and mass and thank God for all my blessings so far in this truly wonderful life of mine.

Anyway, I'm gonna head to bed now and chill out to some music.

To Michael Mendoza, John Hidalgo, Vanessa Licerio and Jeffrey Gache: I want my first LEGAL drink to be with you guys haha!

As a solution to my previous post, I need to focus my energy into my life.

Piano, books, work and exercise shall become my focus for the time being until school. I want to get back into reading and piano like I used to be when I was heavily more introverted than I am now. Also I need to get my life together and find work and learn to drive and also I miss when I used to go to the pool to just swim and do laps.

Not that it's a bad thing, but I think I focused so much on YFC and other people in my life during high school that I forgot about myself!

Also I want to start doing the agape walk every week.

Goals, man, goals.

I must also remember to keep God in all of this.

My mind is going crazy right now.

I want to be in so many places right now, be with so many different people, and be doing so many different things. So many desires and wishes and yearnings are just swirling through my mind and heart that it's overwhelming. I just want to be omnipresent.

This happens so often but I'm just here sitting alone in my room barely listening to the chill night music that's playing. It kinda makes me a bit sad and regretful for some reason.

I need more ways to express these nights!

Gah, so much energy and emotion left and no one to share it with. :(

Maybe I really am yearning for that special someone.. haha..

I actually feel so sad now that Conference is over. Lol

Almighty 2012

Truly a blessed experience. Aside from the sessions, creatives, competitions, workshops and sessions, my highlight of this year's conference was meeting new people and getting closer to those I already knew.

Shout out to Carlo Aguilar, Thea Respicio, Joseph Alonsabe, Neil Francisco, and Jeff Adolfo!

Of course Shout out to my Pac Region and CFC-Youth Canada!!!

Honestly though, such a blessed weekend and bus ride! haha

"Stir my heart when I lose my purpose."

For You, Almighty

Come to God in that spirit of humility and we will be overwhelmed and overjoyed at God’s generosity. But if we come to God appealing to what we deserve because we have earned them, then we will get what we deserve.

Sometimes I feel like I'm looked down upon, or doubted for my abilities to do things, or seen as innocent in every sense. I feel like sometimes I'm not taken seriously or respected as an equal when doing anything from service to just talking and being friends with people.

I understand we're put into this system of YFC leaders, or that society dictates that being serious or "tough" equals maturity, but in all honesty, YFC and society aside, you're just a human being. Nothing too great as many people think we are compared to the universe.

The reason I act care free, a bit weird and sometimes a bit too "troll"-like is because I love life. When brought to the light and almighty presence of God, one command is barely enough for us to hold: Love one another. In our humility when brought before Him, what could you honestly do for God that is pleasing? How you ran that event? Lead that worship? Gave that awesome talk? Was a chapter head or area head or PV? Those things are only pleasing when done in love for Him, done through Him, and done by His grace. Sure, you had these responsibilities and were pretty important for awhile, but for me, past the service roles of YFC are you really being a Christian? Are you really being a respectable human being?


Did you forgive that person who hurt you? Did you feed, counsel and clothe the poor? Did you truly humble yourself before God? Did you go to confession? Were you prideful in dealing with people? Did you ever judge someone? Did you ever look down on members or those "below" you because you were a leader? Did you try to include new people? Did you try to guard your heart and the other person's heart? Did you avoid peer pressure and stay true to yourself? Did you always try to tell the truth? Did you refrain from pointing fingers and just admit your wrongs and mistakes? Were you respectful of others not because of any position in YFC but because it is God's command to respect other human beings?


Were you genuinely loving?

To me, to love people is the most important thing before anything else. And any service for God is fake without it. I guess that's the reason I try to just be an honest, innocent and smiling guy. Because that's what Jesus commanded: to love.

And to truly love others is to forgive them, to respect them, to be kind, and to always want the best for them.

I honestly just live my life everyday trying to live it to the fullest for God and to love and forgive others just as God has unconditionally loved and forgiven me. It's nothing complicated, but in fact it's probably the hardest lifestyles to live out there.

I challenge you to step up in just being a better person--all service roles, all friends, all societies, all hurts, all pasts, and all things of this world aside.

Just make your life's judgement between you and Him alone.

Sometimes I think about my past friendships that failed or faded away for their ambiguous reasons. There never really was an official goodbye, or a mutual understanding that both parties were growing up, and growing in separate ways.

It's that phase of preteen to teenage years that's filled with an equal amount of affirming friendships and awkward ones, and how each one plays out is usually a surprise born out of our lessons to not expect too much of others and to stay true to ourselves.

They always say that on our journey through life people will come and go, but every person we meet is there for a reason. I guess if we do roll along with the universe and the idea of destiny and fate, I find it a bit melancholic that there are people we meet who are only there to teach us a lesson. And then after we have met, laughed and held on fast, suddenly we'd have to move on.

Maybe it's the late night honesty of my observations, or the ambivalent nostalgia nagging at my heart when I look back at past summer days and of old friends who've come and gone. But whatever it is, I like to think it's just because I have a big heart and wanted to care genuinely for all the people I met, but obviously I couldn't keep up with every person in my life and so... some just fell away. I guess an analogy would be like scooping up a handful of pebbles and as you walk towards that bucket where you know they will be secure, some just fall out of your hands and out of your control before you get there because that's just how the world goes round.

Although, I guess you could say I never did stop caring about them, and by them I mean my old friends. Even if our paths split through means of a failing or differing of faith, or a change in mindset and choice of lifestyle, or a bittersweet wave goodbye as they moved half way across the world away.. I never really did stop caring.

But anyway, growing up is new to me, and much of these experiences and feelings I've yearned for and missed dearly aren't new to the world and all its "simply complicated" and "complicatedly simple" roads and paths. I guess what I'm hoping for is just for an open heart and mind to the new foundations, experiences and friendships that God will be placing into my life. And to keep walking forward, while smelling the roses on the way and always greeting with a smile and a wave to those who happen to join me as I continue to walk on this journey called life.

Here's to ambiguity. And to all the mysteries of life.

God bless

"Once you meet someone, you never really forget them." -Spirited Away

P.S. All that aside.. God willing, let's meet again, guys! Let's meet again. =]

Goals for August:

Get a job, learn to drive, and reconnect with old friends.

I'm sort of at a cross roads right now in my life.

My faith is there for sure, but where it goes into I'm not sure. I feel like half of me is being called to leadership in YFC but my other half is calling to get my life together.

I'm almost 19 and I don't know how to drive and I've never had a job yet.

My life has been AWESOME though, in all honesty!

It's just... now that I'm trying to do both, I know that once I work, my service may suffer. And not to mention school is starting soon.

And then there's always the part of me that has the sort of enmity to YFC and its system and the way things are run. And that little dent just pushes me even more to just... leave.

But I'm not leaving because I have lost faith or anything, I strongly believe in the love of Jesus Christ, it's just that I really do need to get my life together!

And if I can't have both without one pulling at the other, I honestly think I might shake off YFC. It's been a heavenly ride with YFC anyway, so maybe this Conference is my last bet.

My parents want me to step down from yfc...

Back from my trip from the Phils and China which was AMAZING.

So many things on my bucket list I never actually took seriously but what do you know? I never asked, just thought about those things in my heart, and God provided.

Thank You for this trip and for the family bonding!

The whale sharks were beautiful.

“The truth is that this cross – if you embrace it with Christ – ceases to be as ugly as it looks. If you trust in him, you discover that this fire, this cross, does not burn, and that peace can be found in suffering and joy in death,” Enrico explained.


...


"When his son grows up, he added, he will tell him “how beautiful it is to let oneself be loved by God, because if you feel loved you can do anything,” and this is “the most important thing in life: to let yourself be loved in order to love and die happy.”"

Leaving for the Philippines in about 6 hours! I'm so excited. I'm not too sure what to expect. I haven't been there in 10 years and I'm going back as an 18 year old almost 19 so this should be interesting!

Praying for a safe trip =]

Also praying that maybe I'll get to swim with whale sharks.

God bless!

"My touch was nothing more than sexual or affectionate. This stranger's hands could heal."

Lord Jesus, my Saviour and my God... please help me to be more like You.

St. Joseph, the blessed husband of Mother Mary, please pray for me on my Journey towards Jesus and Home. You were a quiet, humble and pure man. I pray to be like you, if not a father like you, then a man of God like you.

Crazy day today! PraiseTEAM's 15th Anniversary Year End Show: Happily Ever After.

It was honestly so amazing, inspiring and awesome. It was about the 9 Beatitudes that Jesus gave to us and just watching how they created a story out of that and the songs and dances that went with it really hit deep.

I truly miss PT, haha.

Anyway, even better news, I finally clarified things with Ervinn. He was the last one I needed to close up with and I did it after the show. Luckily it was chill! ahah... no giving my best bro the middle finger at the Pool of Confessions or making one of my closest friends cry on her last cotillion practice before her debut.....

I'm just glad it's all over with though. It was a high school drama for sure, but honestly, any lesson, whether small or big, teaches only as much as you want to learn or get out of it.

Through all of that, even though it may have seemed so small and "passing" to most people, to me, it was an experience God gave me to teach me a crucial lesson:

Forgiveness... or better yet, a huge part of what makes true love.

Again any lesson, probably a more serious and dire situation could teach you that, but if you're walled up in pride, it doesn't matter how much crap you go through cause nothing will matter if nothing can get through to your heart.

Praise God.

charmolypi, joy-sorrow: tears for the woes of the world, and gratitude for God’s mercy.

An exceptional talent at letting go.

Only bad if all you're doing is letting go, but not letting God.

That's called pride, and you only fall farther.

It's always been a constant battle.

Another random thing, ever see photos of your friends chilling during some day that you missed or weren't invited to and just feel a blow of exclusion in your stomach? Maybe that was a bit too extreme of a description, but can you relate?

Man, I need to work on that. Plus, I know there are days where I do that to people, either by accident or on purpose, but mostly by accident.

It's wrong for us to expect too much! We just gotta try our best not to feel excluded, because sometimes people forget or things are just in the spur of the moment, but that doesn't mean they don't care for you or are not your friend. I should know that, haha.

I guess it's a reminder why I try to give my best to whoever I'm with at the moment, 'cause I know at some point in peoples' lives, we all feel a bit excluded.

We're all just looking for that union 100% with God.

"Just because they don't love you the way you want them to, it doesn't mean they don't love you with all they've got."

I don't know if this is just me, but has it ever happened to you where you're just doing your own thing reading over facebook and twitter and then suddenly you just see certain names and feel this huge overbearing feeling that certain people secretly hate your guts?

Maybe that's just me.

Damn insecurities.

"Never underestimate the pain of a person, because in all honesty, everyone is struggling. Some people are better at hiding it than others." -Tumblr Will Smith

"Just try your best not to feel exluded all the time... =]"

Sometimes I wonder what picture my heart and soul would create. What kind of world could be born.

I imagine 3 things specifically.

An open green grass field stretching as far as you can see with pure blue skies and a cool summer breeze gently flowing through. Sort of like in the beginning of Spirited Away.

A desert with dunes moving like ocean waves in the North Atlantic, with some ruins and old ship wrecks popping out here and there. Like in that scene in Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas when he goes to the goddess Eris's realm at the end of the world to retrieve the Book of Peace.

And lastly, open space with nebulae, galaxies and stars with a Bright Light at the center of it all with floating pieces of ruins orbiting all around. Sort of like the Void in FFXIII-2.

Introvert Extrovert

It's a battle that comes up every now and then.. It's just trying to remind myself that I am loved. By family, by friends, and most importantly, by God.

Sometimes it feels so lonely. I'm different, I'm weird, I'm pretty awkward and insecure although I know I come off as a really confident guy who has it all together (at least to people who don't really know me).. sometimes.. but I know me. I hear all my thoughts. I see all the pictures in my head.

There's a difference between me being alone and me feeling alone. Sometimes I like to be alone, nothing wrong with that. I believe people need times to themselves to think, reflect or just chill by themselves. By what's worst is that sometimes I just feel so alone. And it's funny because sometimes it's the strongest when I'm completely surrounded by people.

I guess I just notice all the differences between me and every single person. How no matter what, I'll never really be in a complete union with people, close friends or even my family because I'm just so.. different. haha

Not that being different is a bad thing though.

In all honesty I understand that everyone is different.

Lately, I feel like I'm starting to lean towards accepting that I'll never feel that 100% union with any other human being and I'll only feel it when I'm with God face to face.

Key word: feel.

I wonder what God's thoughts are on me leaning towards that... I would sure love to hear His input, cause I really need guidance here.

And some assurance.

I just want to trust people. I don't want to hide my heart behind invulnerable walls.

"I will break their hearts of stone, and give them hearts for love alone."

I appreciate these late summer nights alone in my room.

Again... thank you for the reminder, and Thank You for the friend

Shout out to Clarissa Balila

Guarding your heart isn't just with the opposite sex and about relationships, it's about your friends too.


Guarding your heart means staying true to who you are even if your significant other or your friends pressure you into something you know isn't you.

Thank you for the reminder, Thank You for the friend

Shout out to Mikey Raymundo

"I may not be brave or strong or smart, but somewhere in my secret heart, I know love will find a way." –Kiara (The Lion King II)

Man, people can get pretty annoying sometimes. It's just as bad for me to just sit there and silently judge my friends though.

Pet Peeve: over aggressive people. Shut up man. lol

Man I can really hate guys sometimes. Funny how I exempt myself from that though. -_- #hypocrisy #hashtag

I guess it's because I'm pretty calm, reserved and passive. But just saying.. usually the loudest and "alpha male" guys I've met have proven to be the weakest and the biggest cowards I've ever met.

Man up, bro.

"All talk. A piggy bank with 2 toonies makes more noise than one that's full."

I want go on a late night adventure right now.

Motivation to learn how to drive:
-I can drive
-Drive friends
-Drive family
-Drive myself places
-LATE NIGHT SUMMER NIGHTS YOLO
- ^

Rising above hate and into the Love of God is the most uplifting thing. It feels so free to see for once the world in complete love... and that's actually the only time I see the world complete.

Haters, Hate, so and so did this, so and so did that, Hypocrisy. Man you could cloud your mind with all the self righteous thoughts that you could and at the end of the day I bet you couldn't say truthfully that with all that in your mind you are as happy as a 5 year old. I bet you couldn't say that you have total peace in your heart.

But, once you step out of the enslaving battle of hate vs. hate, you realize that the bigger picture and the greatest battle of all is the battle of love vs. hate. When you stand for love in all its mysteriousness and curvy and confusing roads, you'll see what God has truly called of us to persevere in.

In the battle for love, no other place is there that all that is good is truly defined. No other place can you find the right road to try and learn what you can about hope, faith, forgiveness, humility, virtues, patience, perseverance, kindness, charity, and everything else that is good.

Everything else that is God.

When you stand for God, you stand for love. And when you stand for love, it's the only time in our short human lives on Earth that we truly see the universe complete.

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." -1 Corinthians 13:13 (NIV)

Perseverance

The battle is not over yet.

"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." -Hebrews 13:5

God hears the broken hearted and those who no longer feel anything.

If there was a love song I could dedicate to myself? It would be Unpredictable.

#random #hashtagtwitter

I'm afraid to say, but I don't think you can run away from your feelings.

People look ridiculous when they run from reason, and they look just as ridiculous when they run from their emotions.

Somewhere along the line God planted in us these 2 very confusing things that constantly clash at each other (brain vs heart anyone?) and by far, I have to say they have both made me want to give up.

What is faith without passion? What is faith without reason? You can not simply put your faith in reason or else you will grow complacent and lukewarm, full of your reasons that can easily be manipulated for the worse. Neither can you simply put your faith in emotions or else it'll come and go just like the wind.

What is steadfast faith?

Some days, I feel like in an effort to balance both, I lose one and gain another, or gain the other and lose the other... or just lose both.

On a brighter and positive note, so you can see the good in my life as well, things are going so well. I am happy and I know that I am blessed considerably with this life. Family is great, friends are awesome (sometimes), and school is... okay! haha

But anyway... As much as I shield myself with these reasons and emotions. I'm kinda scared to admit that... I think I am losing it.

Everyday that I think and feel that I grow closer to God, the more so I feel like my sins cost.

Sometimes it feels so unfair being Christian.

Sometimes I no longer feel guilty the same way I used to feel guilty about that sin. I guess that's what throws me off the most, if anything it just truly reveals to me that human reason and emotions are not enough. They won't suffice. I need something more... And I know where to find it... I just don't know how to create a proper bridge there.

Now that I think about it, I guess that's what my problem has been the whole time. That overlying one.

The fact that I need new reasons, and new ways, to follow Him. My Saviour. The past is gone... but the damage is still here. Maybe that's why I feel so indifferent to so many things, people and groups these days. It's because the way I used to approach them was through a certain way and outlook on life that is clearly lost in the past now.

I've changed, and I guess my old faith isn't so compatible with the new me... Again... I need to renew my faith. I need new reasons to follow Him.

It's sort of weird, but at the same, really beautiful. It's a new way of thinking for sure, but.. it's new. I'm growing for sure.

I no longer pray for happiness, but I simply pray that one day I will be in heaven with God.

"I may have been disappointed & disillusioned, but I will not let you alter my faith. This is between JC & I, alone. I'll still forgive you." -Celine Diaz

There is no penance that can fully pay the price of our sins other than the blood of Jesus Christ.

There is no sin God cannot forgive.

"Now I see, if I wear a mask I can fool the world. But I cannot fool my heart." -Mulan

Such an awesome weekend! Pastoral, family formal brunch, surprise birthday for Mike, chill day with Angela's crew playing spoons and grounders at the playground, mass w/ Gerard, Gill, Erin, Isaac, Marty, and more, and real talks over pho with Tina.

On top of that, homework is finished and the weather was beautiful the entire time!

Praise God for this weekend. :) It truly felt like those old summer days haha.

Jesus came to die a death that we deserved.

It's days like these when the breeze is cool, the skies are clear, and the sun is shining brightly that I remember the simple things. It's days like these when your morning starts off with a family brunch celebrating the 60th wedding anniversary of your grandparents.

Simple days like today are when I'm reminded of the small things that are done with great love. It's always a quiet humbling whisper from God that you are in fact deeply loved.

...so... Thank You, God, for today.

I'm tired of condemning myself yet somehow hoping that through that I'll find God.

Not all answers have come and I feel like I'm getting worse and worse as the weeks go by.

Worst of all, I feel so disconnected from so many people and things.

So clearly, with this self-condemnation and silence, something is wrong here. I need to reevaluate how I'm approaching my faith...

I just want to forgive myself... and see the importance of the Cross in my life again. Because I feel like I've been losing it.

And I know one day you'll see, nobody has it easy.

Freedom was a good event. It was my second time going, and I had a good confession with Father Dave. I honestly really appreciate him as a priest, friend and mentor. I also asked him one of the questions that had been attacking my faith: Why did God seem so cruel in the Old Testament?

And he gave me an answer.

The most important thing is that you have to read the Old Testament with the context of the New Testament. You have to read it with the fact in mind that all along Jesus was in the plan. The prophets of the Old Testament even told the people of the coming of the Messiah who would die for their sins. For the love of them.

Back during the Old Testament times, people interpreted everything that happened as an act of God's direct assertion at that moment (not that He doesn't so now, but as in the natural way of things that He set in motion at the beginning of time). For example if it rained, it wasn't because of the natural weather system, but because it was God directly acting at that moment. And so, when they began to sin and fall away from God (like any human does) they began to fall away and fall into evil and great strife. And they said that these horrible punishments were from God. But would God honestly do that? The question of God doing evil doesn't make sense. And that's the thing. God even warned the people that if they sinned, they would fall into death and all other sorts of evil. Not because God is punishing them, but because that's what sin is. A punishment in itself.

God gave us free will and since God is all that is good, choosing to turn away from God is choosing to fall away from His grace, His blessings, and all that is good.

The people of Israel looked liked they were being punished harshly for their sins but to be honest, they brought that upon themselves! That's what happens when you sin. You choose to go against God and so God, Who doesn't want to force you into a relationship with Him, will step back and let whatever evil come to you, because that's what you chose. What good is there that is not of God? So when you choose to turn from God, all you have is darkness.

And that's why God had planned all the time the coming of Jesus. So that Jesus could die for our sins. So that He could die a death for our sins, a death that we deserve. He gave us the second chance, the choice to escape that death from our sins.

He died for our sins so that we wouldn't have to.

But in the end, as God doesn't want forced love from His creations, it's up to you.

http://goodnewsaboutgod.com/studies/humans.htm

I should work hard in everything I do, and even more do things that weren't even asked for. It's one of the only ways I know I can give back to God and glorify Him. And to everyone else who's always loved me so much.

"There is someone that I love, even though I don’t approve of what he does. There is someone I accept, though some of his thoughts and actions revolt me. There is someone I forgive, though he hurts the people I love the most. That person is me." -C.S. Lewis

Sometimes, I hate being human.

High hopes for the future for Heaven's sake.

As confusing as everything is in life and the world, I know one thing: I want to be with Him. That's the only thing I know for sure.

Sometimes I think about her.

They say that psychologically a crush only lasts 4 months. But heck, I've been thinking about her for a couple of years now. Ever since we first started talking those Wednesdays at DBYC after PT.

They say if the thoughts last longer than 4 months, you're already in love. I doubt it though.

I don't even have any actual passionate feelings for her. I just... think about her. Every now and then. And when life gets busy or exciting, I don't think about her at all.

I wouldn't say that's love.

But then again... I don't even know how to love a girl to be honest. I'm good at being friends with them apparently, and that's only because I want to be friends. But when it comes to something more than that?

Hm. A lot of walls, a lot of factors in the way. I'm definitely not myself. But when I am myself, it just feels right to be her friend. Nothing more.

...

"If you asked me to speak honestly about the matter that bugs me the most, I’d say a lot of things and skirt around the topic. I tend to do that. I don’t like sharing what troubles me at the heart of things. But if you stuck around in spite of all that? I’d probably say things like how I’m tired of hoping that the outcome of this will be positive. How I’m tired of hoping things will get better and return to the way things were two, five, ten years ago. How I’m tired of investing myself emotionally in someone who won’t change himself, even if everyone else thinks he will. How I’m tired of seeing those I love hurt. How I’m tired of incalculable rage, though I know better not to harbour it.

I’m not a hopeful man except with matters of the faith, which is ironic because God is the one to whom I confide in the most with this matter. I don’t expect that things are going to mend themselves to perfect repair. That would be a foolish thing to think. I don’t think that things are going to get any better for the problem, however. It’s easy for a man to say he’s going to turn over a new leaf and start anew but give him enough freedom, turn enough of a blind eye again and he’ll drown in his vices—or smoke them—if you’re not careful.

Christ preaches about love and forgiveness. Lent is all about turning away from sin and believing in the Gospel. Being a Catholic with integrity is all about living those core values in your life. It’s easy to do in theory but it’s damn hard to do in practice. It’s a damn hard thing to love an enemy. It’s a damn hard thing to forgive when the enemy is considered family. I don’t forgive easily and I don’t hurriedly forget the wrongs against me. I’m a bitter man for the hurt done to me and the irreparable harm the matter has caused others. I don’t show it and I prefer it that way; let others help those who need it more than I do.

I’m assured that it’ll sort itself out in God’s time but I’m much too tired of fighting to be hopeful. That’s in my character. Yeah, I wanted to vent. Every man has his moment of weakness; better that I yell at a wall than at somebody I could hurt. I’m angry but not at God or those in my life. I’m angry at the fact that I once believed that the man was strong enough to turn away from that which destroys him. I’m angry that the man’s the prodigal and I’m just waiting for the parable to show me the lesson."

-John Ray Catingub

Wow...

My true friends are the ones who tell me the truth. Their good, and their bad. And I'm thankful to them for that. Foreal.

All relationships, whatever they are, NEED truth.

That’s about as clear as you can get. If you want a relationship, a family, or a friendship to last, you need to have truth.

No one likes lies. Lies hurt. They break trust, they mock what’s true, they reveal cowardice, and in the end lead to nothing but nothing.

Those amazing relationships that everyone sees and wishes they had last BECAUSE there is truth. The truth, whether good or bad, is communicated and dealt with. How people respond to truths is entirely up to them and their humility and maturity, but nonetheless it all leads down to whether you will even reveal the truth or not.

Even if you’ve done something shady or wrong, your friends, family and significant others would like to know. It shows that you care about yourself and them enough to admit your faults and genuinely want to become a better person.

If you are reluctant to reveal your truths because of fear of judgement or whatever you name it, then you’re depriving yourself of true love.

Lies hurt. Lies destroy relationships.

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” -1 John 4:18