Don't give up. Stay positive in Christ.

NTS: The sacraments are there from God as gifts, not because we're angels, but because we aren't angels and we need His grace. They're there for the offer because He loves us and knows we need Him.

The real talks with Tina and later Clarissa and Bryan made me finally put what I've been feeling these past months into words.

What I'm trying to do is rebuild my relationship with Christ.

When I first came to Him, it was with an innocent and fully trusting faith in Him as He tore away hurts and scars from my childhood with promises of a new life. I truly felt like a new creation and life felt like a bit of heaven. But as I went through the phases of growing up (and I am still now of course), I got hurt, betrayed and pushed around by a lot of people that I trusted the most and I fell into an extremely low time in my spiritual life and faith. My mistake was blaming God for my wrongs and their wrongs when in reality it was all just OUR wrongs.

Now, I've built up walls and denied my own shortcomings. My pride has become subtler, but even more dangerous and it would be correctly defined as fake humility. In dealing with a lot of my friends now, there is a lot of insecurity and distrust, and all of it is rooted in fear because of past hurts. Closing my heart off has only let it harden and now my faith, service and myself suffer from that. It's ironic because the past me claimed to have the answers to what I'm going through now, but I see now that it is only through the grace of Christ that anyone can be lifted up.

I'm tired of what I'm doing to myself and how it has made me treat others. I can't trust my closest friends, I'm extremely insecure with who I am, I gossip behind my closest brothers' backs, I hate others, I compare myself to others which is unfair to myself and them, I've developed a prideful wall that is easily insulted and lashes out, and all in all I've become exactly the things I swore to stand against.

But despite all the negative things I've experienced these past couple of years, I know that I've experienced so many wonderful things and met so many awesome, humbling and inspiring people through it all. All the positive things truly serve to show that God never left me. Never did He abandon me. Never did He stop loving me.

I know even now it's still so hard to get that.. and I'd say to myself a lot: "being human sucks sometimes, we're very confusing." But I need to lay it all down instead of searching for an explanation because I know that in time that will come. I miss the old me. I miss my faith from before. I miss a lot of things from the past.

But God didn't put me through what I went through if He didn't want me to become a better person. Sure, things may have seemed picture perfect to me before, but if God put me through what I've been through, then I should trust His providence in knowing that truly then, things can be so much better and He is leading me to that now.

The way I see it now, what I felt in my heart before in terms of faith was pure and good. And so now, aiming for that purity and goodness through Christ, God is now leading me to that again, but this time with a stronger foundation, a newer and better me, and an overall better understanding of the world and people around me.

In the end God wants me to bear more fruit for Him. And to do so is to love and to forgive. In a way I feel like He is tearing me open so that my heart has more room for all different kinds of people, not just a select few that I feel comfortable with.

Who knows though, He could be taking me down an entirely different path.

But before all that...

I need to rebuild my relationship with Christ.

Amen.

God bless

People hurt you. And then you become things you swore to fight. Things you claimed were wrong. Things you claimed you were against.

People hurt you and in retaliation you let your pride grow, your selfishness, your walls and hate.

Most people are the way they are because they've been hurt. Hurt from everything from the small snide comments and playful pushing around and bullying to being betrayed from your family and friends.

The hardest battles ever fought were for forgiveness and humility.

panegyric

pan·e·gyr·ic

   [pan-i-jir-ik, -jahy-rik]

noun

1.

a lofty oration or writing in praise of a person or thing;eulogy.

2.

formal or elaborate praise.

Always, Numerous Times

Somewhere, a Voice calls, in the depths of my heart
May I always be dreaming, the dreams that move my heart.

So many tears of sadness, uncountable through and through
I know on the other side of them I’ll find You.

Everytime we fall down to the ground we look up to the blue sky above
We wake to it’s blueness, as for the first time.

Though the road is long and lonely and the end far away, out of sight
I can with these two arms embrace the Light.

As I bid farewell my heart stops, in tenderness I feel
My silent empty body begins to listen to what is real.

The wonder of living, the wonder of dying
The wind, town, and flowers, we all dance one unity.

Somewhere a Voice calls in the depths of my heart:
"Keep dreaming your dreams, don’t ever let them part."

Why speak of all your sadness? Or of life’s painful woes?
Instead let the same lips sing a gentle song for you.

The whispering Voice, we never want to forget,
in each passing memory always there to guide you.

When a mirror has been broken, shattered pieces scattered on the ground
Glimpses of new life, reflected all around.

Window of beginning, stillness, new light of the dawn
Let my silent, empty body be filled and reborn.

No need to search outside, nor sail across the sea
'Cause here shining inside me, It’s right here inside me.

I’ve found a Brightness, It’s always with me.

To observe, to listen, to pray, to do the small things, and most especially to love.

As of right now, I feel like that embodies my life's purpose.

My vocation has always been a question for me, but in all honesty most of the time a married life has not really been as up there or prominent as the other two paths. For several reasons I shy away from the possibility of the married life, but ignoring the negative reasons, my positive ones do show a lot of more of just... who I am, I guess!

I've always looked up to people like Mother Teresa, or support characters in your games, books and movies. In playing team based games I've always felt more in tune with being the "healer" or "support" and in playing team based sports I've always naturally shifted to playing defense whether it was soccer, basketball, or ultimate or whatever.

Sometimes I feel like I accuse myself of settling into complacency by wanting to settle down in the background of everything, but when I look at it, and I see all the suffering in the world, I just think to myself: "Someone has to do it."

And so... in all this I hope to become a person in God where I observe His beauty and glory in everything, I listen to the tears and broken hearts of His children, I pray for the world and all its suffering, I do the small things in life with great love, and most especially I love and forgive not just my family and friends, but all of humanity, just as God has loved and forgiven me.

Because of these desires in my heart... I feel like I can't contain that to just my own possible future wife and children. I feel like I care so much about so many people.

But in the end, I still have so much to learn about myself and God and His love. And so, wherever he takes me--marriage, blessed single life or holy orders--I will always be praying for a heart of love, and a life wholly dedicated to my Lord and my God: Jesus Christ.

Dear God,

*old post I found from way back but it was never published for some reason. Hmm. That's just like me, afraid to admit what I really want to say.*

I want to get out.

To be honest, through all of these trials I've learned how there's so much more to know, I've learned more about myself and especially my darker sides, and I've learned a lot about standing for my faith.

I've grown I know, maybe I haven't been growing branches, but I've been growing in my roots for sure. These roots that reach down deep into Your heart. Your love. Your truth.

But, I want to go now. I want to get out. I had a lot of fun with the people you've brought into my life, but I guess I got too attached? I don't know. I know you wanted me to learn these lessons but.... it really hurt. It really hurt. I just want this chapter in my life to end already, but I know this is all according to Your time.

Just as You are higher than man, so are Your ways higher than mine.

Took care of a sick friend today. It was Patrick. He called me up and sounded like he was dying and home alone and he asked me to get him some Timmies soup and bagel so I did and got to his house and basically watched over him till his mom got home.

She works at the hospital and when she came home she asked how my patient was doing. haha. foreshadow to my future? I dunno why that one line stuck out to me so much.

Desires of the heart.. desires of the heart.

I actually can't wait to start working and making my own money!

At the end of the day, I know that it is God Who's holding me together. He always has been.

Got my first job at Urban Planet!!!! Thank You so much.

Had an awesome active day! Played ball and tennis at JH. Mind you I haven't played sports since grade 10 so it was exhilarating!

I really miss playing sports.

Anyway, I was supposed to go to the Night Market tonight or continue to chill with Mike and John and whoever else but I decided to go home. But now I sort of regret it because I just realized that I'm about to turn 19 in an hour so it would have been awesome if my first hours of being 19 would have been with some close friends out somewhere haha, but that's okay. I went home so I can sleep early and wake up for the 9 am mass @ OLGC tomorrow. I want to go for confession and mass and thank God for all my blessings so far in this truly wonderful life of mine.

Anyway, I'm gonna head to bed now and chill out to some music.

To Michael Mendoza, John Hidalgo, Vanessa Licerio and Jeffrey Gache: I want my first LEGAL drink to be with you guys haha!

As a solution to my previous post, I need to focus my energy into my life.

Piano, books, work and exercise shall become my focus for the time being until school. I want to get back into reading and piano like I used to be when I was heavily more introverted than I am now. Also I need to get my life together and find work and learn to drive and also I miss when I used to go to the pool to just swim and do laps.

Not that it's a bad thing, but I think I focused so much on YFC and other people in my life during high school that I forgot about myself!

Also I want to start doing the agape walk every week.

Goals, man, goals.

I must also remember to keep God in all of this.

My mind is going crazy right now.

I want to be in so many places right now, be with so many different people, and be doing so many different things. So many desires and wishes and yearnings are just swirling through my mind and heart that it's overwhelming. I just want to be omnipresent.

This happens so often but I'm just here sitting alone in my room barely listening to the chill night music that's playing. It kinda makes me a bit sad and regretful for some reason.

I need more ways to express these nights!