Ecclesiastes 3:1-11

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

²     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

⁹ What do workers gain from their toil? ¹⁰ I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. ¹¹ He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet^[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

In the process of solidifying myself and growing up, I've realized that my old self has slowly been creeping back subtly in the background.

But to what extent? A lot of the sad parts of my life were during when I was younger, and so I guess it's only natural to fear that if I act like my old self... I'll lose all the blessings God has given me now.

But in the process of solidifying myself and growing up, I have to give all that I am up to God; He's asking for every single nook and cranny of who I am. And in doing so, it means coming back to even that old self.

I guess being in YFC and PT and the whole new life really took a toll on me as it demanded that an extroverted side of me come out or be created.

Was I being fake? I just wanted to experience a new side of life and learn about all that the world and other people had to offer. No, I don't think I was being fake, I think God was just revealing more to me of who I really am.

And now that I look at it, I've seen enough now of this extroverted side of me, but God doesn't want this extroverted side to be the only me. He doesn't want me to forget that introverted Gabe.

And to be honest I don't want to either. My quiet strength and determination came from that Gabe. And with all this dust starting to settle, I feel like I have been so lost in trying to vie for attention and love and do everything I wanted to do in life to impress others and have everyone and all my friends accept me that in that loud busting world of extroversion, I forgot how it was to be quiet and alone in my room.

And I miss that. I feel like I've become so drunk on these idols of pleasing people and fishing for praise and attention that I forgot that other side of myself. That other side of myself that was there before everything else, there before my life in YFC, PT, high school, summer usuals, and whatever else.

In the process of solidifying myself and growing up, I know God is calling me to bring everything that I am to Him. And it means coming back to my roots as well. I've lived an awesome and exciting life these past few years, but I'm tired of only being half of me.

I want to be me. I don't want to be a "natural-introvert-learned-extrovert" anymore. I just want to be Gabriel Canizares.

The Gabriel Canizares that God cherishes.

Haven't had such a good pastoral in a long time. :)

And although I constantly feel so insecure and feel like I did a terrible job, I'm so blessed to have lead it.

I'm really praying for our household heads. I'm really praying for my friends.

Temptations all around to be and do things that aren't you. Things that aren't even sinful or bad! But they're just not what you're truly passionate about or really show who you really are.

And they're so tempting only because at the heart of it all, you just want to be accepted and be with friends who used to be your closest ones in the past.

#middaymusings

This is basically my one free day to sit and do nothing. I better appreciate this. haha I worry too much over everything.

Was reading through old posts, and I randomly thought about something:

Shout out to Bryan Abas

This guy man... I dunno why but things I usually keep just between God and myself I've told him. Things I've never dared to tell anyone about. Not even some of my closest friends or even my family.

I really don't know why I talk to him about it, not that it's bad that I do or that I don't consider him a close friend of mine, but like how everyone gives off their own unique aura, I guess his is pretty unique to me that I tell him my deepest thoughts that surpass late night honesty (haha).

I guess maybe it was his only-child upbringing that we sort of have this connection that even though we both act a bit weird and outgoing on the outside, we have a deeper understanding of being alone with your thoughts, a subtle introverted side, and we both sort of observe the world and thoughts around us. I think the latter part might just be me though, but I know Bryan has this understanding side of him that I feel okay telling him about it even if he doesn't understand. If that makes sense?

Anyway though, this is a pretty homo post.

I'm jk lol

Foreal though, a good friend for sure. :)

Camp E(X)change

You were a beautiful experience, a hard trial, a lesson learned, and a step in my discernment.

Thank You, God, for calling me to be the brother Camp Leader.

Shout out to Emily Potusek, Sean Santos and Angelica Cacatian and the rest of the service team. Best team ever. :')

We're in this together. Thank You.

One other thing though:

For HLT, I was asked to lead the opening worship which was special because it was an Exhortation.

I've never lead one before and prior to that, I didn't even know that it was an exhortation or what exhortation even meant. So when I arrived at the Potusek's house that morning, I had arrived thinking I would just be doing an opening worship and the usual fast-song-slow-song but Anton (my Cluster Head) filled me in on everything and what exactly it is and how it goes and then asked me what I was going to be saying. I was bit a overwhelmed at first, but Anton encouraged me saying that it would be the same thing I would be doing at camp so I prayed and planned out generally what I was going to say during the Exhortation.

I'll leave out what I planned to say for it to keep this post simple but my point is that it was just such a blessed experience.

While doing the exhortation, I was trying hard to just surrender myself and let God do as He willed not only through my emotions, but through my free will of choosing Him and through faith in Him. To be honest, like most experiences for me this past year, I didn't really feel much. I felt the same old pangs of doubt, fear and uncertainty but just like most experiences for me this past year, I simply just chose to do His will.

No expectations for emotions, feelings or spiritual highs, but only the simple choice of doing it for God. Like Nike's logo: "Just do it."

After it was concluded, I continued with my day and I felt a simple peace with myself. I'm still not too sure how to perfectly describe it, but the best way I can explain it is that it's a peace that sits within perseverance. Things aren't comfortable, there are still a lot of doubts, fears and temptations surrounding my heart.. but I'm at peace.

I know God is with me through it all.

As my day continued, I got a text while at work from Christina Potusek (my other Cluster Head) and it said probably one of the most moving messages for me this year:

"Hey! Just wanted to say that this morning's worship really lifted me. The Spirit was working through you! Sorry I didn't get a chance to tell you earlier."

For me, what surprised me and really shook me was that even though I wasn't feeling too high about things and I was having constant doubts in my heart while leading the worship, somehow God had still managed to use me as His instrument. Even though I felt all this negativity in my heart, while still simply choosing to do God's will, He still worked through me. At that moment, although I did not feel secure and healed in my own heart, God was still working through mine to help others' hearts.

That day taught me a valuable lesson. No, if anything, not only did it teach me a lesson, but it solidified and answered questions and doubts in my heart. It showed me that truly, even in our good or in our bad, in our happiness or in our sadness, in our faith or in our doubt, if we simply choose to let God have His way despite  all that we feel, He will truly make a way. And even if you don't feel that a way has been made in your heart yet, through you He is still creating a way for other people.

Truly, in my victories and in my sin, in my happiness and in my sadness, and in my faith and in my doubt, may all the glory and praise go to God, my Lord and my Saviour.

Amen.

Long story short:

I wasn't supposed to be in school this semester because if I get too many post-secondary credits, I won't be able to go to school the semester after because I won't be able to get into Nursing with my High School GPA, and also, anything I take now for the General Science Degree at SFU has nothing to do with Nursing. But my parents forced me anyway. Soon enough, I got too stressed with the amount of work I was getting (5 courses) and so I dropped Calculus, but on the condition that I step down as a leader in YFC.

Pretty much I already had been fighting to stay in YFC since Grade 12. One reason I quit PT was to show my parents that I understood the value of sacrifice and also so that I could stay in YFC.

Of course along the way there's a lot more deeper and emotional things to the story, but I've kept it short and concise for simplicity's sake.

But anyway...

I'm not too sure if this is spiritual warfare or God leading me to a new chapter in life, because it is reasonable that I do focus on my future, school and family first anyway. And I'm still faithful and serving God through those areas as well.

It's just ironic because before I didn't want to serve but I was forced to stay, and now I want to serve but I have to leave.

Hm.