"Now I see, if I wear a mask I can fool the world. But I cannot fool my heart." -Mulan

Such an awesome weekend! Pastoral, family formal brunch, surprise birthday for Mike, chill day with Angela's crew playing spoons and grounders at the playground, mass w/ Gerard, Gill, Erin, Isaac, Marty, and more, and real talks over pho with Tina.

On top of that, homework is finished and the weather was beautiful the entire time!

Praise God for this weekend. :) It truly felt like those old summer days haha.

Jesus came to die a death that we deserved.

It's days like these when the breeze is cool, the skies are clear, and the sun is shining brightly that I remember the simple things. It's days like these when your morning starts off with a family brunch celebrating the 60th wedding anniversary of your grandparents.

Simple days like today are when I'm reminded of the small things that are done with great love. It's always a quiet humbling whisper from God that you are in fact deeply loved.

...so... Thank You, God, for today.

I'm tired of condemning myself yet somehow hoping that through that I'll find God.

Not all answers have come and I feel like I'm getting worse and worse as the weeks go by.

Worst of all, I feel so disconnected from so many people and things.

So clearly, with this self-condemnation and silence, something is wrong here. I need to reevaluate how I'm approaching my faith...

I just want to forgive myself... and see the importance of the Cross in my life again. Because I feel like I've been losing it.

And I know one day you'll see, nobody has it easy.

Freedom was a good event. It was my second time going, and I had a good confession with Father Dave. I honestly really appreciate him as a priest, friend and mentor. I also asked him one of the questions that had been attacking my faith: Why did God seem so cruel in the Old Testament?

And he gave me an answer.

The most important thing is that you have to read the Old Testament with the context of the New Testament. You have to read it with the fact in mind that all along Jesus was in the plan. The prophets of the Old Testament even told the people of the coming of the Messiah who would die for their sins. For the love of them.

Back during the Old Testament times, people interpreted everything that happened as an act of God's direct assertion at that moment (not that He doesn't so now, but as in the natural way of things that He set in motion at the beginning of time). For example if it rained, it wasn't because of the natural weather system, but because it was God directly acting at that moment. And so, when they began to sin and fall away from God (like any human does) they began to fall away and fall into evil and great strife. And they said that these horrible punishments were from God. But would God honestly do that? The question of God doing evil doesn't make sense. And that's the thing. God even warned the people that if they sinned, they would fall into death and all other sorts of evil. Not because God is punishing them, but because that's what sin is. A punishment in itself.

God gave us free will and since God is all that is good, choosing to turn away from God is choosing to fall away from His grace, His blessings, and all that is good.

The people of Israel looked liked they were being punished harshly for their sins but to be honest, they brought that upon themselves! That's what happens when you sin. You choose to go against God and so God, Who doesn't want to force you into a relationship with Him, will step back and let whatever evil come to you, because that's what you chose. What good is there that is not of God? So when you choose to turn from God, all you have is darkness.

And that's why God had planned all the time the coming of Jesus. So that Jesus could die for our sins. So that He could die a death for our sins, a death that we deserve. He gave us the second chance, the choice to escape that death from our sins.

He died for our sins so that we wouldn't have to.

But in the end, as God doesn't want forced love from His creations, it's up to you.

http://goodnewsaboutgod.com/studies/humans.htm

I should work hard in everything I do, and even more do things that weren't even asked for. It's one of the only ways I know I can give back to God and glorify Him. And to everyone else who's always loved me so much.

"There is someone that I love, even though I don’t approve of what he does. There is someone I accept, though some of his thoughts and actions revolt me. There is someone I forgive, though he hurts the people I love the most. That person is me." -C.S. Lewis

Sometimes, I hate being human.

High hopes for the future for Heaven's sake.

As confusing as everything is in life and the world, I know one thing: I want to be with Him. That's the only thing I know for sure.

Sometimes I think about her.

They say that psychologically a crush only lasts 4 months. But heck, I've been thinking about her for a couple of years now. Ever since we first started talking those Wednesdays at DBYC after PT.

They say if the thoughts last longer than 4 months, you're already in love. I doubt it though.

I don't even have any actual passionate feelings for her. I just... think about her. Every now and then. And when life gets busy or exciting, I don't think about her at all.

I wouldn't say that's love.

But then again... I don't even know how to love a girl to be honest. I'm good at being friends with them apparently, and that's only because I want to be friends. But when it comes to something more than that?

Hm. A lot of walls, a lot of factors in the way. I'm definitely not myself. But when I am myself, it just feels right to be her friend. Nothing more.

...