A lot of my friends have been "doing it big" lately.

Stepping up in their service, making their name in the dance scene, graduating and getting degrees, starting a business, working towards their careers, travelling the world, volunteering overseas, etc. etc.

I've finally made my decision to get a Bachelors of Science: Health Sciences Degree @ SFU and most likely pursue Med School after. I really hope this is it. No more Nursing for me.

I pray that this is His plan--I really hope this gut feeling deep inside is His voice.

I really want to do it big as well. I'm not that special of a person and I'm certainly not a President or a Pope or an East Cluster Head or an amazing dancer. But the best I hope I can do is this. There's a lot of suffering and sickness in this world.

Someone needs to help out there. A lot of people need help out there.

And then out of nowhere, by surprise and only by His grace and His plan, your heart is opened.

Is it weird or immature to be 19 and almost turning 20 and to have really emo posts on a personal blog?

Sometimes I look back at my old posts and I realize how depressing some of my posts are. But then again, I usually write to sort out my thoughts and obviously your thoughts are most tangled when in the negative side of things. So I guess it's understandable to be seeing a whole bunch of sad, angry and hateful posts because this place is sort of a dump/cleansing area for my mind.

When things are going awesome I'm usually living it out!

It's okay to be human.

"Prayer makes one know happiness. Prayer can teach you how to cry. Prayer can teach how to blossom."

"The humble resemble a rock. Even though the rock lies downward, it is nevertheless firm. The proud are like smoke. Even though the smoke is lofty, eventually it disappears." -Saint Augustine

I've been having several spontaneous days recently and they've been awesome. I really haven't seen a lot of people in awhile cause of school and personal reasons and it's uplifting to be connecting with everyone again.

Blessed week so far, yup.

"After all, if practices from my own tradition can be brought together with scientific methods, then we may be able to take another small step toward alleviating human suffering." -Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama

Life is full of sins and forgiveness, beauty and ugliness, and love and hate.

With all these forces at work tearing at me and making me cry from joy, to sadness, to deep rage and hate, to brokenness and redemption, I honestly feel emotionally wasted a lot of the time.

I don't know what to feel sometimes and man does it feel awkward.

And I just feel guilty because I don't feel the feelings I feel I should feel for Him.

It's all very confusing. But there are constants in my life as well. And I guess living like this with things moving and things not moving, things changing and things not changing, I honestly just don't really know what to do with myself half the time.

I just feel like a hypocrite doing anything or not doing anything at all half the time.

Looking back now, I'm glad I met all the people I've met on my journey through life so far. Bad or good, they all taught me to be better.

Thanks everyone for always continuing to love me.

The people in the most danger and with little hope are the ones who judge and hate.

Closed heart, closed eyes, closed hands.

It’s a tragic way to live.

"Dear children, receive all that the Lord offers you. Do not have your hands paralyzed and do not repeat: 'Jesus, give me'. But open your hands, and take everything that the Lord offers you." -Mother Mary

How can God have such a hard heart?

"God does not have a hard heart. Look around you and see what men do, then you will no longer say that God has a hard heart. How many people come to church, to the house of God, with respect, a strong faith, and love of God? Very few! Here you have a time of grace and conversion. It is necessary to use it well."

I feel like the growing up is getting to me. I started doing that "clean your friends list/following list" thing.

I dunno why I feel so numb about a lot of things. Maybe it's just change. I left PT, and now I'm "leaving" YFC. And even though I'm just a member now, I feel like something is telling me to hold back from going to events for awhile.

I just feel like I'm falling out of everything and now my life is sort of crying from the sudden realization of how much empty and free space there is now.

It was my choice.

I can't even tell now what exactly is holding me back. Fear? Pride? The numbness? The constant nagging to do more and achieve more with my life? What is it?

...

Gosh, I really need my friends right now. I feel sort of at a lost.

I really need someone to talk to.

I guess I should start though at the foundation.

Pray.

Gah, the feels. Those tests though.

Even the smallest incidences can teach the wisdom of a lifetime.

Video Games have taught me that I take every action in from another player personally.

A bit too personally.

I really should just stick to the video games where the only possible option is that my friends are on the same team as me. LOL oh gosh...

Sometimes I find myself so busy hating myself and being guilty about a lot of things that I forget how much I'm loved.

Just reread my first posts on this blog from Jan 2011...

LOL

Holy, I've changed so much. Looking back at what I went through in the past, I'm actually really thankful that God allowed me to go through that. I don't regret anything.

I grew so much from 2011 and 2012...

Praise God. :)

Never have I felt a peace and forgiveness in this world so powerful other than through prayer.

"Need-love says of a woman "I cannot live without her"; Gift-love longs to give her happiness, comfort, protection—if possible, wealth; Appreciative love gazes and holds its breath and is silent, rejoices that such a wonder should exist even if not for him, will not be wholly dejected by losing her, would rather have it so than never to have seen her at all." -The Four Loves by C. S. Lewis (pg. 17)

"When you pray, you must feel more. Prayer is a conversation with God. To pray means to listen to God. Prayer is useful for you because after prayer everything is clear. Prayer makes one know happiness. Prayer can teach you how to cry. Prayer can teach how to blossom. Prayer is not a joke. Prayer is a dialogue with God." -Mother Mary

"The fasting which you are doing in eating fish, instead of meat, is not fasting but abstinence. The true fast consists in giving up all our sins, but one must also renounce himself and make the body participate in it." -Mother Mary

Thus I asked her why God was so merciless in sending sinners to Hell for eternity.

"Men who go to Hell no longer want to receive any benefit from God. They do not repent nor do they cease to swear and to blaspheme. They make up their mind to live in Hell and do not at all contemplate leaving it."

(Man's refusal is an irreversible choice.)

-Medjugorje Marian Apparitions (Mirjana asking Mother Mary)

It's not over till He says it's over.

"They do not follow yet, completely the way of God. They are not aware of the gift which He has made them, that no one deserves. With time, they also will come to follow the right way." -Mother Mary

God has blessed me with so many amazing people and friends in my life.

I wanna go far. I dunno why, I just feel lonely? Sometimes? It's a weird lonely too. It's not really because I have no friends or family. It's not really like that.

It's just a weird overall loneliness. Maybe loneliness is the wrong word for it?

Now that I think about it, I really think loneliness is the wrong word for it.

It's like something is missing, or more yet something just hasn't arrived yet.

...God?

Everyone's been doing it big lately.

I really want to also.