How can God give me new blessings if my arms are full of old baggage?

Let go.

I'm so scared to open up.

It's one of my biggest fears. I'll open up about shallow problems, or petty drama that'll pass with time. But stuff deep down, the more actual personal problems of myself... I really can't.

Haha. It's really bad I know. And it's something I'm working on. If all these awesome people in my life are willing and humble enough to tell me their deepest darkest secrets and to even cry in front of me, why can't I?

A relationship--no a friendship--is something that takes two people. So why am I being so unfair and building walls?

I need to learn to trust. These people really do care about me.

"The day after I was ordained, we had a little party and my dad stood up and made a toast. He has worked his entire life as an orthopedic surgeon, and he was a very good one. My whole life, his patients have come up to me at one time or another and told me how their lives have been changed because my dad was such a good surgeon. 

So, there my dad was, standing in the midst of these people, and he began to say, 'My whole life, I have used my hands to heal people’s broken bodies. But from now on, my son Michael . . . um, Father Michael . . . will use his hands (at this point, he got choked up) . . . He will use his hands to heal broken souls. His hands will save even more lives than mine have.'"

-Father Mike Schmitz

Was my first time clubbing last night. Went to 560 for Marisha's birthday! I have to say it was pretty fun!

I know I'm imperfect. And I know that everything I do is imperfect. But God is asking me to love anyway.

"The very fact that you're struggling means that you're fighting the good fight."

Was cleaning up my facebook and found all these old notes. Damn. haha

I've definitely grown up.

I was always making up excuses and explanations for it. And I was almost always basing my friends, crushes, faith, future decisions and vocations off of it.

Maybe I was too scared or prideful to admit it before in the past. Or maybe I'm just changing. But nothing really makes me feel more weird than knowing that I've come to a comfortable acceptance of it:

I feel lonely.

And I feel good coming to terms with accepting it. I guess I have faith knowing that this is a natural part of life, and maybe a phase as well. I don't feel lonely in a depressing sense like I have no friends or family. That's not it at all.

But I just feel lonely a lot.

Desires of the heart.

Am I yearning for You? Or am I yearning for her? Or both? Am I just being selfish?

Gee, I don't know.

Good night world; there's some late night honesty for ya.

It's the small things that count. It's the small things that change this world. A smile, a hug, a passing compliment, a conversation with a friend. It's a story of constant humility and love.

"The Lord said, 'Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.'

Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave." -1 Kings 19:11-13

The big, terrible things always seem to be the scariest and the most fearsome. But God constantly reminds us—and those big, terrible things—Who's in charge here.

And He'll use the small things to bring us the utmost needed humility; to remind us that we really aren't that big. And He'll use the small things to remind us that true strength lies in complete vulnerability. Only a God at the Most High would fully understand and know and encourage us to trust in the small things.

What I would give to live in a Miyazaki film.

It's just another heartfelt wish pointing in the direction of my human desire for Heaven. And peace.

Life is blessed. Although I've sinned so much lately, thank You so much for giving me all these experiences and for letting me catch up and rekindle and repair so many old friendships.

I'm so thankful Lord, thank You.

Side note, congrats PT!!! Guess I'll be going to Vegas this summer haha, holla!

"I think something's wrong with me. I meet a lot of people, and at first everything seems to be going okay. But then I start feeling like such an outsider." -Kiki's Delivery Service

"Without even thinking about it, I used to be able to fly. Now I'm trying to look inside myself to find out how I did it." -Kiki's Delivery Service

Shout out to Angelica Cacatian, you're gonna make me cry real hard one of these days lol. Joyful tears that is. You're an awesome person. I'll always be praying for you as well!

When I think about the possibility of love with a special woman, I can't help but feel so selfish. I feel like all I'm asking is what I want, instead of what I could do for her or what she wants. Or what we could do together for our children.

I'm scared of the idea of marriage sometimes, but I'm also scared of the idea of priesthood.

The way I look at it, and the more I think about it, I think I'm just scared of being responsible for big things.

A priest? A father? I'm so focused on sustaining my own life that I've never learned what it's like to chase a girl, or support another person. Maybe experience is the right word.

I feel shallow to the outside world, but too deep on what's going on inside. I really don't know where God is taking me.

My strong desires either point to an obvious path, or a path that must be avoided because I've lost something long ago.

Hmm

It's 2:54 AM. I just wanna sleep haha.

I wonder if things lost in this world could be regained later in heaven.

So that the things we know we have lost now--maybe we can hope that one day, and a not a day in this current life, we can hope to have it again.

In this world you just keep losing things. By God's grace He always blesses us with more and better things, but sometimes I wonder. I wonder especially to those things lost to sin... Is it possible to get it again in this life? Or is it gone now? Because of my own constant slavery to sin, are these certain gifts gone forever without a chance of getting it back in my life right now?

Would there be any point in having it in heaven?

Maybe it is gone forever.

God's love is deeper than the deepest pits of hell and higher than the highest reaches of heaven.

Incoming late night honesty:

Life is good. I've definitely grown and am growing so much. I'm really happy with life and am really grateful for all my blessings. It doesn't mean things are perfect--things have gone wrong and I've messed up a lot lately actually--but my attitude is changing. I'm becoming more sure of myself.

I feel like things from my old self are resurfacing. But it's the good things that's for sure. Looking at it now, I feel like who I am never really changed all that much. It's like I went through a lot of life experiences not to really change me at the core, but to refine me at the core; to strengthen the man that God is intending me to become.

I always felt like I needed to change but I see it now that who I truly am will not shift or budge. Who I am as I am is perfect in God's love and forgiveness. What I DO and CHOOSE and how I REACT and ACT is what changes. It's what God shifts because that's what is tainted and influenced by our daily lives and encounters. Things around me have come and gone and have loved me and hated me, but nonetheless, I really am still Gabriel. Same old Gabe.

And that's awesome.

Thank You for everything, and thank You for never giving up on me although I had given up on myself countless times before.

Life is blessed.

#pG