I've been working everyday in these last weeks of summer. I don't mind though, I had a lot of fun on my trips to Vegas and Calgary and I really need the money to pay off the load of debts I have. But I feel bad because my social life has been suffering. Not in a selfish sort of way of me needing to socialize with my friends, but the fact that I keep turning down my friends who want to socialize. Even if it's on technology like skype, facebook, or text, I keep ending conversations abruptly because I need to sleep.

I guess what makes it worse is that Final Fantasy XIV just came out this week so obviously my first thoughts when I get home from work is to close myself up in my room and play. Whenever a new game that I love comes out, my introverted side takes over and I like to be alone playing my games. I don't like to be interrupted by anyone haha, not even on technology, unless though you're playing with me. It's more so like that though because I don't want to be rude in the first place by giving people only a fraction of my attention while I game it up.

But in the end, I feel like I'm being rude either way by not responding to them, or giving them short half-assed conversations that end abruptly as I head off to bed. It's like I pity talk with them rather than me talking with them because I'm fully ready to initiate and engage in conversation. And no one appreciates pity talking.

Anyway, random late night honesty rant. Good night.

Please forgive me for this time, friends. Ya'll are my homies. My introverted side just needs attention and alone time, especially after an extroverted filled day at work.

I hope you'll understand.

Blessed with awesome friends and family but guilt and sin run my personal life. Who am I to be given so much? Who am I to question His blessings and ways though?

Life is a paradox of good and evil, heaven and hell, God and the enemy. It's honestly an endless battlefield in my soul, heart, mind and body.

It hurts so much. But at the same time it's really beautiful.

I dunno, I'm extremely depressed but at the same time I've never known such peace and happiness.

But the emotional stress is a lot. I think it's really starting to take a toll on my mental health. And so at the end of the day, it still is a battle for, literally, the love of God, as well as the emptying of my "wicked ways." It's not about balance, or karma or yin and yang. It's a purification of evil and the battle that ensues. It's not a power struggle between equal forces of good and evil. The good side has already won. It's just a painful love story. And as harsh as it sounds: some end happily, but more than often they end sadly. Such is the choice of humanity.

And again though, back into it, it's an endless war.

A crazy, horror, love story.

I'm really excited for the school semester to begin. It'll be a lot of restarts, fresh starts, and continued plans for me. I just hope and pray that things will work out and that I will keep working those things out.

Grow where you are planted.

"As long as you remain rooted in God, you can grow in any place, even the seemingly desolate. Life finds a way." -Celine Diaz

"Skepticism is the easiest way: believe nothing, do nothing."

Skepticism in the meaning, of course, of denying everything and anything outside of the latest human knowledge.

Skepticism in an attempt to find truth though I'm all for.

"But midway through my dance, I began realizing something: that although I felt like i was going to fall, I still hadn't fallen. That was a miracle in itself -- that somehow, despite the 'paralysis' of my toes, something was keeping me moving. It was the perfect representation of my relationship with God; that although things were never perfect, He always sustained me, carrying me through when I (spiritually ... & physically) couldn't." -Celine Diaz

"I believe in the existence of God, but if I say I know that there is a God, I have said too much." -St. Augustine

Ignosticism.

A little late night honesty:

Surrey 2 may not be the same Surrey 2 that captured my heart back in the day, but this most recent conference has caused a little stirring in my heart :$ ..you could say I fell a little bit in love with my home chapter again, and it's growing.

"It's a new generation."

Wind of revival, I pray that You continually sweep through my whole heart.

This summer has been a BLESSING.

Vegas and HHI 2013 and Calgary and TNC 2013 right after.

The month of August (including my birthday with my family, and a surprise from the Mendoza's, Poquiz's, and my S2 bros) has been so eventful, and I'm happy and proud that I worked so hard to pay off both trips. I worked hard with what God gave me, and still yet He gave even more.

Truly, despite anything, God is gracious!

EDIT: I'm praying for my stronger and deeper relationship with Christ. Lately I've felt like my heart for service to the Lord has been slowly coming back.

Do not fear hate; be courageous in love.

"Ask Jesus what He wants from you and brave!" -Pope Francis

First though, I'm going to need to ask Jesus for bravery because to be honest, I'm scared for what Jesus will ask of me.

Sigh. Sorry, Lord.

"Therefore, seek first the kingdom of God and His justice, and all these things shall be added to you as well." -Matthew 6:33