I feel like I've changed. I've become a lot more out going and instead of looking for love, I feel like I have a lot of it and I just give it out to people.

Good life.

Praise God. As always. In sin, or in grace.

I'm tired of bringing myself down when God is trying so hard to raise me up.

Now that I look at it, I realize how little faith I have.

I wonder what heaven is like...

Huh

Sleepover tonight with Carlo got cancelled. I'm actually pretty glad because I feel like I've been out too much and I just want my family to know that I do in fact love them and want to be with them. lol

Anyway, I dunno why I'm so excited for being alone tonight. It'll just be me, music, chill games, and God.

Chill life.

I feel like I need this anyway, it just so happens that after awhile of being around people too much, I feel like I expect too much. My insecurities grow tenfold.

I guess God knows I need this night to serve as a reminder of who I am.

Real talk, real talk.

Everybody Knows

Sometimes it just feels so lonely to be honest.

People are afraid I''ll judge them? No I won't. I cannot judge you as a person. Only God can judge you and me. I'm just as disgusting of a sinner as anyone else. We're all evil in our own ways. It's just a different mask, a different story, but the same thing in the end.

Some are more pronounced than others, some are more hidden. Either way, God sees all.

Every time I learn more about the darker sides of people, it honestly hurts so much. Not so much because of what they've done, but because of how they take it, how they view it, how they deal with it.

No it's not alright. No it's not okay.

Yes, it is indeed a sin.

That's it. That's the truth.

"I lied to you because I love you, if I told you the truth all the time it would just drive you away."

Foreal bro? Truth and Love go hand in hand. You really think God lies to us? He's pretty straight up about what's up; it's written all over the Bible. Both His just and righteousness AS WELL AS his love and mercy.

If you truly love someone you would tell them the truth. That's what true love is. Truth isn't there just to make it sound like legit love. If you knew what true love is, you would know that sometimes hurt and suffering are necessary just as much as truth is. You don't know how much of a better person someone can become if they heard a painful truth and PERSEVERED through it.

Back to my main point though... sometimes it feels so lonely. You can't show me your true self because you're afraid I'll judge you? You think I'm so holy?

Buddy do you know what it takes to choose God? You think I'm like this because I'm just so naturally awesome and innocent like that? You think it's easy to follow God? You think it's easy to choose God?

This took CHOICES. This took SUFFERING. This took HARDSHIP. This took EXPERIENCES. This took PERSEVERANCE. This took looking at the plain TRUTH. This took LETTING GO of so many people and so many things.

I'm like this because I CHOSE to be. It started when I asked myself, "What am I doing? Who am I trying to please? Who am I really? Don't I deserve better than this?"

I wanted to find my true self. I wanted to be who I am. I want to find myself. I want to be who I am.

That's it.. That's all I ever wanted. I just wanted me. I wanted peace. I wanted escape. I wanted God.

So... Don't push me away because of your sins. It honestly hurts so much more than you know. I don't like being the friend on the sidelines left out because you assume so much about me. Because you're afraid I'll judge you? Because you're afraid you'll lose me somehow as a friend? Look what you're doing, you're not even being a true friend to me already, and you're not letting me be a true friend to you.

I deserve the truth.

So no, don't you EVER fear judgement from me. The only One you should fear is God Himself.

I'm your friend.

"Fear is not in love. Instead, perfect love casts out fear, for fear pertains to punishment. And whoever fears is not perfected in love." -1 John 4:18

We're friends. We carry each other's burdens together. That's what friends do.

Isn't it beautiful?

Humility

God loves you. :)

I feel like He's constantly tearing up my heart and breaking it.

And it's beautiful. So beautiful.

Trust? Or is it expecting less?

But true love knows true suffering. True love knows what hurt is.

Questions bro, questions.

An unvanishing summer day.

Dang, today turned out so well! I always enjoy my friends, but today especially I got to catch up with a lot of people I haven't talked with in awhile as well as learn more about my friends now.

Shout outs to Clarissa Balila, Abby Zaporteza, Ronn Ponce, John Hidalgo, Jeff Ortiz and Monica Ponce :)

Sometimes I think about all the blessings in my life, and I just wonder, what have I sacrificed? What do I have to offer to the world?

I've always wondered what this feeling is called.

It borders somewhere between nostalgia and regret. It's bittersweet... but not? I am happy. I am at peace. But the context of my current situation (my sin and guilt) holds me back from fully experiencing it?

How would you describe it properly? It's like finding an oasis in the middle of a battlefield. Like I'm comfortable, satisfied and full. But not quite there yet.

Is it a yearning for heaven? For that full unity of being home with the Father?

Maybe.

It's strongest when I'm at home (after a day at home) and say, for example, I'm looking at beautiful memories of the past.. of people who were once your closest friends... of a time when your values coincided perfectly with those of others... when following your emotions wasn't really all that bad... when you could trust, when you could hope, when you could put your faith in other people... when your faith was... at a different stage I guess you could say.

Any level of faith is amazing and beautiful so there should be no need to look back. There are only the riches and fruits of the future ahead of us to look forward to.

I have no regrets, seeing as each stage of faith has so much wisdom and fulfillment to offer.

I guess that's why it's so hard to define what I'm feeling. Or maybe I'm just scared to fully embrace life here on Earth again for fear of becoming too comfortable and forgetting my Home in Heaven.

It's never really in my plan to forget God.

I guess I'm just scared of Him. I'm scared of His judgment.

But is living my life to the fullest all that wrong? Isn't that what God created us to do in the first place? Isn't living life to the fullest accepting God and His will, His love, His law, His wisdom, and His friendship? Wouldn't you feel so alive knowing that you hold Heaven within your heart?

I'm scared of His condemnation. Just as He said "I AM," not only is He loving and merciful, but He is also just and righteous.

I'm just really scared of Him to be honest.

Maybe it's my doubt.

Maybe.

and on top of His love, He has given more than enough friends and family to fill the heart

"With all my heart I praise the LORD! I will never forget how kind He has been."

-Psalm 103:2 (CEV)

A discouraging world. An uplifting God.

Hardwork

...it's for my future.

It's a reminder of why I'm in school working hard, why I'm aiming for Nursing.

If there is any dream I've ever had, it's to be with God. And how does that materialize into our world? Love.

That's why I'm becoming a nurse, so I can help those starving children half way across the world. Here I am blessed with everything I NEED. Shelter, food, water, family, friends, a loving community, talents, education, love, hope, and FAITH. And there they are, suffering, starving, in pain.

I need to do this. I'm getting this job, I'm learning to drive, I'm volunteering and growing up so I can take all these experiences in for the joy, love, and help of others.

All my life I've been given things from my God, my family and my friends. So I need to take this in. I need to remind myself why LAZINESS is evil.

This isn't for me. This is for them, for my future family, for the future souls to be saved..

for Him.

Enjoy what God gives you on your journey. Take it in. Cherish that joy, for it will supply the hope you'll need in the future.

30 Reasons I Am Not A Failure

I should do this one day.

"People think I'm odd. So, I know how it feels to be different, and I know how lonely that can be." –Belle (Beauty and the Beast)

Imagine you have to get urgent surgery on your brain in the area that deals with memory. At this moment, would you rather lose all your memories of the past but still be able to make new ones? Or would you rather keep all your memories of the past but no longer be able to make new ones?

I'm tired... tired of sacrificing God's love and peace for a few moments of acceptance from someone who I'm not even too sure will stay in my life.

To hear God through the music.

Through the sound of a piano,

the beauty that lies within things unseen.

Back to the source, back to the original Beauty, the first Beauty.

Truly, it is the Beauty and the Beasts.

So blessed and so undeserving.

I really pray for wisdom to know the gravity of my sins. Foreal.

I'm sorry God, and I'm so thankful.

Please use me as your instrument of peace.

Deep Thoughts 30 Day Challenge

1. What happened today? If it was the last day of your life, how satisfied would you be with your final hours?

2. Who are you? In comparison to who you used to be. What made you change?

3. Where have you been spending your time lately? Three/Five/Ten years ago would you have expected to be there?

4. What do you think it means to be in love?

5. Pick a song that projects the same mood as your day or week and explain.

6. Talk about a recent experience that has effected you greatly and how.

7. Think of the last person you hugged. What would you do if they vanished completely?

8. Write about the first moment that comes to your head when you read the words “childhood memory”

9. Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

10. Did you have a good day or a bad day? Where do you think that defining line was?

11. Do you feel protective over someone?

12. If you could trade places with anyone for one week, who would it be and why?

13. Where do you see your best friend in 10 years?

14. When you are stressed, what can you use as an outlet? Why do you think it helps you?

15. What do you believe in? And not just God or atheism.

16. What are you passionate about?

17. Who was the last person you kissed? (If you are still with them now, pick the person before them.) What would they say if they saw you now?

18. Talk about your extended family. Why do you think they are the way they are?

19. If you could be anywhere in the world, but you had to be there for a certain cause, where would you be and why?

20. Again, pick a song that projects the mood of your week or day.

21. Look back. Why did you choose this challenge? Do you think it says anything about you?

22. How do you think people see you? Be a little negative and a little positive.

23. Explain your life plan for the next month, then the next year, then three years, then five years.

24. Are you more social or independent? Why do you think that is?

25. What do you think it means to be a good parent?

26. Talk about a moment where you were truly happy. What was happening? Who were you with?

27. Is there a friend you are worried about? Why do they have you concerned? Do you think they’ll be okay?

28. Would you rather someone tell you the truth up front but gently, or be lied to to spare your feelings?

29. If you could be doing the same things you do now, only in your own way, how would a normal day in your life go?

30. Look back on this last month and talk about it.

Secret Heart

Life is swell right now. University is sick (except for the early mornings), family is great (sister moved back :D), friends are AWESOME! Mike Mendoza, Tina Balce, Megan Roque, Jeff Ortiz, :') you guys.... HAHAHAHA I never thought I would be a crew with you all lol. Abby Zap soon though? haha

Anyway.

Love?

I dunno. For sure if I'm ever going to date a sister, she's going to be the one. I'm just like that. I don't see the point in dating/courting if I'm not going to marry her and raise a family. Besides, I don't even have a stable career yet, I don't see the point in courting either if I don't have a way to provide for a family. Especially for her. And by her... I need to lay off. If I can't be genuine friends with her first, what then? Right?

And Faith?

It's okay.

I don't know how to define it. To be honest lust has been such a huge question to myself lately. I know I deserve better than this. God deserves only the best. On the bright side Camp Fixated was a success!!! It was really great, I really prayed hard for the participants and the rosaries payed off for sure. Possible future leaders in YFC? maybe.

I was camp servant though along with Celine... so that means we're leading the next camp.

I really don't feel ready. Especially with the way my faith is right now.

Man..

Next chapter

Everyone's been moving up and growing so much. Whether it be through dance, service, family, personal growth, other talents, school, work, life, you name it, and it's filling me up with a lot of excitement for this coming year!

I'm going into first year university at SFU and hopefully I'll get my N soon as well as my first job haha. But ya.. SHOOOT!!!!!!! Next chapter in life here I come! :)

Luke 23:34

Then Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, they know not what they do.”

Sometimes the people we care most about, our family and friends, hurt us in ways they don't know. Usually they're oblivious, or they can't understand that certain things they do actually hurt when it comes to other people or yourself.

Either way, it can be frustrating and a good place for the seeds of hate, anger and discord to grow when it seems that all they do is go on their merry way doing whatever it is that hurts you, from jokes that hit the weak spot, to abandonment, to neglect, to betraying their values, to losing their faith, and so on. And in the end, they're either happy doing what they're doing, or oblivious of what they're doing, and you're there, observing everything, being hurt, and seemingly alone.

When you're hurt and seemingly alone, it's easy to get that pride up. It's that pride that causes you to disconnect from them and to leave them. It's that pride that says, "THEY should apologize for what they've done. THEY should be the first to make a move because THEY were the ones that hurt me, neglected me, betrayed me, and abandoned me." Now with our head walled-up with that pride we cut off that love towards them and before you know it, with that absence of love, all there is left is hate.

And hate sucks. It sucks the life out of us. We take beautiful days for granted. We forget how much we're loved by God, our family and especially those friends who are still there for us. We could be living life so much more fully without the heavy burdens of grudges. And so what do we do? It all comes back to that verse up there: “Father, forgive them, they know not what they do.”

As being who we are, children of God, we're called to love each other just as God has loved us. Likewise, we are called to forgive, just as He has forgiven us. Sometimes people do things that hurt us, but they don't know it. Other times, they know they've hurt us, but they just don't know how deeply they've hurt us. But in the end, just as we never truly know all the times we've hurt God or how deeply we've hurt Him, He forgave us and loved us and so we too must forgive them and love them.

And through all the hurt, maybe you'll grow closer to understanding what exactly God meant when He said He loves you unconditionally. And maybe you'll gain more wisdom in truly knowing what true love is and what true forgiveness really looks like.

Mess up

Sometimes I hate the idea of time.

Other than the fact that if we had more time we could do more things, or if time stopped we could enjoy those certain moments longer; it's just that sometimes we make mistakes. Stupid ones. Ones where we had full knowledge of the consequences, but by some other force along with our fallen nature and human ignorance combined together we willingly fall out of God's grace for a few moments of pleasure and supposed "good learning and fun."

But, after the whole heart-hardening process has passed and been done with, we realize the sin we've committed and try to pray and repent.

But even then after that... life goes on. Time keeps moving forward. It doesn't wait for you to say with a full heart of sincerity and repentance the words "I'm sorry, God."

Life keeps moving. We need to do this, meet up with these people, do these chores for our family, run these errands, attend that meeting, go to that practice, do this, do that, feel that, listen to them, and so on. Time doesn't give you enough TIME to sit down, and really just contemplate your relationship with God.

But as much as I'd love to blame time and this world for my insincerity and the brokenness of my relationship with God... I know in the end I should be the last one to speak.

There's such things as choices and sacrifices.

Sometimes we have to choose to sacrifice certain things and plans of our day and spend that time with God.

"You never regret the times that you spent with God."

Birthdays

A lot of birthdays and other parties this month!

Life is swell right now, in general. I just need to work on my faith.

Not too sure how to explain my situation when it comes to my faith to be honest but other things are pretty great.

Happy Birthday to James, Jenny, Jenny Lee, Kevin and myself!

Good summer August week so far. :)

Word

"Don't confuse talent with character. Just because someone can rap, sing, or dance, doesn't mean follow them as role models."

"Just because you're called to serve, it doesn't mean that you're better than everyone."

"God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do." -Regina Brett

"If you want to marry someone because they make you happy, don't do it. If you want to make them happy you're onto something." -Western Conference 2011

David de Guzman

"Love the Giver, not just His gift."

"The devil put me up against what I love to do vs. who loves me most."

"Instead of choosing to become a better dancer, I chose to become a better person."

"I got so caught up in my passion for dance and my dance family that it became an obsession and I forgot my own holy family."

Freedom

There's so much in life to enjoy and be thankful for. Even though we want to be with everyone at one time... we can't. But that's okay, that's what trust is for. We're not like God, we can't be in 2 places at once but it shows even more that we should put our full attention into whoever we're with at the moment.

Sometimes in life, as we all walk this journey, you journey closer with a certain group of people for God knows how long. But while walking with them, enjoy it, take it in, breathe it in, these people are walking with you, keeping you company and they deserve your attention and love. They're walking the same journey as you and maybe later on your paths may diverge, but as long as you know they're moving forward, you'll see each other again at the end. Guaranteed. He promises that.

There's no time to be taking people for granted. There's no time to waste being taken for granted.

Continue to love even when it hurts and you'll grow closer to understanding God's love for you.

Love and pain bro, not love and pride.

"...that's what I had to do, suck all the poison out of my life."

Today was Abby's debut, it was extremely fun and entertaining! Also I hope she had a good time, I really do.

I got her a Beauty and the Beast Diamond Edition DVD/Blu-ray movie and my rose dance song with her was Tale as Old as Time haha.

During my rose dance with her she apologized. And that really hit me, honestly. She apologized for neglecting me. And I apologized back for hating her so much.

Man... it was... refreshing and uplifting to hear. It really was. I guess that's just what I had been waiting for for so long.. an apology. A recognition of the hurt I felt.

I need to have a real talk with Abby and Alo soon. I just want to tie up loose ends and finally I can move on.

I've been taking baby steps, but finally it feels like the poison is finally leaving my life.

Man, I'm done with this hate.

God... have mercy. Please forgive me of my sins.

On a brighter note though, Happy Birthday again Abby :) hoping for the best for you. I know God has great plans for your life.

Someone Like You

Today I woke up home alone.... in the Guevara's haha. Chilled a bit and finished Isaac's cereal then locked up and went home. Practiced a lot of piano and learned Someone Like You by Adele on the piano then got ready and bussed it to OLGC for creative practice for conference. Bought that orange flavoured Arizona Tea then chilled a bit at Grace's house with Rocky, Gylian, Kaye, Lorryzel, Joseph, JP and Grace then went to the practice. I wanted to take Jerome's workshop at PT but oh well. Creative practice was sick, memorized my lines haha. After got dropped off by Vince in Fleetwood because I couldn't go to Alo's yet for Abby's cotillion practice since he was at Gio's so Ronn picked me up and we went to join Nessa, Monica, Paddy, Max Ammo, Uk, Ruiz, and Lorry, Rocky and Gyl at Red Robin's. I just fed off of their bottomless fries haha.

After all that, went with Paddy, Max Ammo and Nessa, dropped off Irv then Paddy dropped me and Nessa off at her house. Chilled a bit and talked about life in general and people and why people hated certain people and how we're against it lol. Eventually went off to Abby's cotillion practice at Alo's.

I felt really hostile and I could feel my anger and hate building up again towards them... it was pretty bad...

Nessa had to pick up her sis but lost her keys, a lot of searching and after awhile she eventually got a ride from Kevine to get another set of keys. Turns out they weren't in the car so we will never know where her keys went...... dun dun dun.... :/

Anyway, the point of this post is to actually just honour my last hours of today and how it ended with my real talk with Vanessa.

I really needed it.

I feel a lot better right now but I know that if I want to make this feeling of peace permanent I'm going to have to talk Alo and Abby again...

man.... Vanessa, if you ever read this... Thank you. You're a good friend. I don't want to take you for granted unless God says our paths have to part for a bit.

But ya, all in all today was an awesome day and I praise God for that.

Anyway, going to bed now, thanks again to Vanessa for the real talk and again, Thank You, God, for friends.

Please Lord, help me to be a better friend. Help me to let go of these grudges.

Thank You, God, for life.

After every storm comes the calm. For some, it’s the storm that broke them. But for us, it was the calm that made us drift apart.

Turning Tables

Those chill summer nights sitting in a car jamming to music. I never knew I would get close to you guys to be honest.

Shout outs: Ronn Ponce and Vince Licerio

(Bryan Abas, one day man, one day. hahaha one on one, RTP is cool, but won't fill the spot lol)

PS. Praise God for Confession and Adoration today. Thank You, Lord.

DONE HIGH SCHOOL!

Summer Nights

It's almost summer vacation, almost the end of my chapter in high school!

Anyway, had a chill day today with Vince, Isaac, Ronn and Nathan. And honestly, I really want to thank God for them. Good company, good friends, good people, good in their faith as well. It's really encouraging I guess after all the stuff that's been happening with me this past year and half.

I guess it's just reaffirming though, I'm this far because of God. And I'm this far because I chose to be.

I'm like this because I made the choice.

It's good to care about people, but in the end it is their choice what they want out of their life. I can't change their hearts, that's something only God or themselves can do.

I'm like this because I chose to be this way.

Mixed Emotions.

Job 1:21

Parents said no to my China trip. Said I didn't deserve it because I don't work hard enough/I'm lazy. They said if I had really wanted something I would have gotten up right away and really worked hard for it.

True. So true.

Well there's either Vegas or Conference now.

I should really work harder in life.

I don't want to be that passive guy anymore.

EDIT: I'm lol-ing at my previous post now, I feel so embarrassed. But the last 2 lines still apply:

Blessed to be a blessing. As a pleasing sacrifice, I offer You my life.

Keep fighting till the end.

So last month I was offered the chance to go to China this summer with my friend Victoria, and all you have to pay for is the plane tickets and everything else is included! But what sucked was that it was $1500 and I had NO money.

I wanted to pray about it but then I thought about all the other real sufferings going on in the world that I could put that prayer effort into so I didn't bother praying for the chance and just sort of gave up. I also stopped looking for a job.

BUT. The biggest shock happened to me today. Today was my grad celebration with family and friends and in total from all the grad gifts I got $700!!!!! HOOOOLY. Plus the $300 I had saved up that makes a total of $1000!! And now my parents will help pay and I can go on the trip!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But what I learned most from this blessing is that 1. I should always keep fighting until the end and 2. I'm blessed. Honestly. I'm so blessed. I feel over-blessed, not that that's bad or anything but I need to give it all back to God. I owe Him so much, more than just this China trip but my salvation and life.

I don't know what my calling is, but I want to go out there and at least make an effort to help people around the globe who are so much less fortunate.

Blessed to be a blessing.

"As a pleasing sacrifice, I off You my life."

Dropped Calculus, 2 spares now lolwut.

"I didn't change, I just found myself."

Reflection

I may not know enough and I may not feel anything, but what drives me is my faith. And faith itself is a grace from God, a divine gift, something above humanity just as God is.

You lost a facebook friend.

I think what bothers people the most when they lose a facebook friend, or a tumblr follower, or a real life friend or whatever, is that it makes them afraid of losing people they actually care about.

Sure maybe you didn't even know the person who unfollowed you on tumblr but it still makes you insecure. Am I boring? Am I not original enough? What is it about me that would make you choose to break off a connection with me?

No matter what, even with all the other 2839847+ people loving you in your life, you worry over the one that left. Why? Maybe because you're afraid that out of the other 3249342 people that love you, some of them may, in some way or the other, hold the same view about you. They just don't show it or they overlook it.

But still, it's a risk that they too just might leave because of this unknown flaw.

In the end, it all comes down to trust and who really is worth fighting for.

Sometimes you just gotta let go, because it honestly doesn't matter.

Continue on the search for who you are. You'll find what and who matters most to you, when to let go, and when to keep fighting.

God bless!

You have to learn how to fly if you want to go to heaven.

Freedom from the chains of this world is found only in Him.

Jesus said He is the way, the truth and the life.

Phew, I'm tired. Today I sinned, today I messed up, today I loved, today I was reminded of His grace.

I want to fly. I want to be free. I want to be free to love.

God is already victorious.

I'm coming home, I'm coming home

I know my kingdom awaits, and they've forgiven my mistakes

I guess so

I guess what hurts most is that I always hear these things about how "the suffering will end soon" or "the light is just around the corner" or "these days will end soon and the sun will rise" and yet my life doesn't seem to apply to those. Now I know those aren't the exact quotes but you get what I mean and am referring to right?

I mean, my life is great, it's wonderful, it's magnificent and I've learned so much from God...

But my suffering? My dark days? How are those words of advice supposed to help me when it was my choice to bring the darkness in..... you know..?

What do you do when the suffering is self-induced? No I'm not lonely, no I'm not hungry, or cold or sick or poor, but I'm lost in the most subtle of ways.

Sin.

I'm convinced God is not the One to be blamed, but only myself.

And I guess that's why it hurts because this suffering, this "loss," is all my fault. It was brought on with my own independent decision; my own free will.

Taller Better Stronger

Growing, maturing, changing, living. Life is swell as of right now, minor things because of other people and because of myself mostly, but other than that I am growing, maturing, changing and living.

Praise God, none the less. Either in complete joy, calm days, or suffering, God is good all the time.

Here's to the future!

The moments when you never knew you would get close to certain people.

Mysteries of God for sure. :)

I think I want to be a priest.

Even in my lowest, praying and sinning right after, even wanting to just get away from this faith, even wanting to just deny it, leave everything and willingly plunge into a "life" without God...

I just can't deny Him. I can't deny that He's not there. I can't deny that He loves me.

Now I understand that I don't understand His sacrifice, His fury, His heaven, or His unconditional love, or even the hell that was originally created for beings much more stronger and smarter than me, but I know this: I cannot deny Him. I cannot deny His love.

Try as I might, and for once without emotion, and in all rationality.. I just can't deny God. He's real. He is very real. It just makes sense.

And all He asks is that I repent, continue to pray, and to love and forgive as He has loved and forgiven me.

I don't understand nor have the knowledge to understand even 1% of Him, but all He asks for is for faith.

Faith in God first, and everything else, from knowledge and wisdom to joy and love, will fall into place.

He replied, "Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." -Matthew 17:20

Happy Mother's Day, Mom!

Thank you, so much. For everything. I love you with all my heart, mom. I pray for you every night. I'm sorry I'm so bad with words of affirmation towards my family, I know I just gave you a simple kiss and a greeting this morning, but I meant all of it. :)

God bless!

Everytime I think of her.. or Her. I remember why I'm fighting, praying and running in the first place.

God, please grant me understanding and self-control.

Lust

JUST RUN.

Stop trying to fight.

JUST RUN.

Last night when I got slain…

I heard God asking me why I was looking so far in distant places for Him.

He told me to just look into my heart.

So many people love me.... So many people care about me....

God, what am I doing? Where am I going?

So that's it then? No explanation? Just smother everything in love...

Yet it feels so good. Real good.

Please God, I thank You for this love, but, I need to settle this for real. Because if I can't praise Your name in joy with a full and whole self all focused on You alone during worships, then I feel like there's something wrong. That's just me though, I trust in You.

I trust in You.

Just before the Surrey 2 Seniors Dance performance, I got spiritually slain so I wasn't able to perform it...

But what I realized was how relevant that was to my life.

It's true, only the people closest to my heart see me perform my fullest.

I want to further my relationship with God.

God, please don't make this an emotion, please help me to make this a reality.

Dear God,

I don't want to go down a separate path...

You never regret the times you spent with God.

I'm excited for tomorrow! Tomorrow is RYC!

It's time to #Arise.

"It's okay not to be okay."

God has put me through so many tests lately.

One thing I knew in my mind but learned for real in my heart (and still am) from all this is a long list to be honest.

After meeting God, He blessed me with so much. The perfect friends, the most peaceful and loving family, a world where in my eyes there was no such thing as suffering. Long story short, I think He showed me a little bit of heaven.

But from all this, I became blinded. I became prideful feeling like my input was always needed and that I was the most wise and righteous amongst my friends so therefore I HAD to be the one who had to have it altogether and receiving advice was unheard of because I was just so “perfect.”

And to add to it, I turned a blind eye to the suffering in the world, from local to international.

I was just a selfish Christian who only wanted to save myself and MY happiness and if someone put any dent into that, they were “let go” of.

But what I’ve learned is that God tests you in the places where you are most comfortable. And in my case, that was my youth group and friends.

And from all this…

I learned what it really meant when in the Our Father we pray “Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.”

I learned that holding a grudge or any hate will only kill you. Only you.

I learned that my faith should be in God alone and not in man.

I learned what it really meant that I had no right to judge another human being.

I learned to love everyone equally and to forgive easily.

I learned that to find myself, I had to find Him.

I learned that I must search and yearn for God Himself, not God’s blessings.

From all this I’m still learning these lessons and I will always be learning. Anyway, good night :) and God bless!

“It’s okay not to be okay.”

It comes around and goes around

I contemplated the future and this is what I planned for my first year of the new chapter:

A. Conditions: Acceptance into SFU Science One Program
Plan:
-Step down as a YFC leader, and become a normal member in Campus
-No more dance
-Work my butt off and help pay for my schooling as well as begin saving for my exchange programs over seas

B. Conditions: Rejection from SFU because of my falling High School GPA
Plan:
-Apply somewhere for nursing
-Stay in YFC as a leader but move to Campus
-Join Epiphany Dance Crew
-Work my but off and help pay for my schooling

C. Conditions: Early-life crisis lol
Plan:
-Go into the Seminary

Rain, rain, come this way

Tumblr. Music. Quiet silence with God.

After a pretty bad day and rain to add to my music video depressed mood, I need this.

I feel like I lost a lot of things during these testing times though I know I gained so much.

Phew, I'm tired.

Move along, move along like I know you do (8)

Home sweet home

I feel like I needed that.

Praise God for the trip to the Grotto with my parents. :)

God...

I'm tired.

But praise You for my life thus far. Praise You.

Times are changing. For better or for worse. Wherever You lead me Lord, Thy will be done.

Glory and praise to You, Lord. You alone know what's best for us.

Times are changing. For better or for worse. Wherever You lead me Lord, Thy will be done.

"I was taking a walk."

No...

That's not it, Nagato.

You're tired.

You've been running around at the whim of Haruhi, protecting me, and probably doing other work without us knowing.

The weariness of it all must have built up...

"The error data accumulating in my memory database will cause a bug to trigger anomalous behavior. It is an unavoidable event. In three years, on December 18th, I will inevitably reconstruct the world. I have no countermeasure for it, because I do not know the cause of the error."

I do know.

What triggered the anomalous behavior that Nagato cannot understand?

What exactly was the error data that she's been accumulating?

It was the most basic of things.

Even for an AI that shouldn't stray from its program parameters, or for a robot, given enough time, it's natural for anomalies to develop.

You won't understand, but I do.

And Haruhi probably does too.

That, Nagato, is what we call emotions.

You were designed to be emotionless, so your reaction to it was that much stronger.

Every now and then, you must have wanted to cry or scream or yell "I don't care anymore!"

And even if you didn't think that way, maybe you should have.

We should have let you.

I'm also partially responsible.

I came to rely on her too much, just letting her deal with everything.

I figured that as long as she could handle everything, I could stop thinking.

I've been more of an idiot than Haruhi.

I don't have the right to point any fingers.

And as a result, Nagato was driven to the point where she wanted to change the world.

Bug? Error? Not a chance. That wasn't it.

This was exactly what she wanted.

She wished for a normal world like this.

"I silently pray to God that He will forgive me for calling you a coward, because who I am to call you a coward when I couldn’t even find the strength to tell you how I felt?"

LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFFFFFEEEEE

How do you say I'm sorry?

God how do I say I'm sorry?

In a state of sin or in a state of purity, be glorified, my God. Forever.

"I love you," was a promise You made to us. You to us. A promise that you have never broken. A love that I cannot deny.

Even in my low self-esteem, my vices, my guilt, my sinful nature, Your love is never changing.

Your love, I cannot deny.

And Oh. Again.

Sometimes I wish all my close friends were close friends together. :/

That would make life ten times easier. No lie.

Well now that I think about it, it did used to be that. Maybe this is why I was so hurt.

God, please be with me and my friends.

But still, Thank You! :)

Oh.

You guys still consider me part of that circle? :') and :'( and ........I'm a jerk.

Forever in need of Your wisdom and support, God.

Help me to be a better friend, please.

Thank You, and thank you all.

I want to be good at something.

Like decently good. No I don't have to flaunt it to everyone, it can just be between me, myself and God. And no it doesn't have to be the best in the world!

I think I should just start working on the talents God has given me now: dance and piano.

And maybe singing one day, I wish. :X

I want to join Epiphany and go back into piano lessons. Maybe when I'm in university and kill my social life I'll get back into my hobbies.

Virus

Today I got home from school early so I decided to work on my Grad Transition which I hadn't started yet and it's due in a week.

I ended up working on it from 3-8 and managed to finish 99% of 1 of the 3 sections, I was so satisfied with the work I had managed to do in a day that I decided to reward myself with torrenting the Prince of Egypt while I ate dinner.

After I was done eating dinner I came upstairs to find that a virus had attacked my computer. And it happened to leave my internet pages open but decided to shut down my Microsoft Word... and I didn't bother saving the entire time while working on it (that was my bad)...........................

I was about to explode, but then I held it in.

I was so confused and actually extremely angry but then I remembered Job and how things were so good for him but then God tested his faith and took away everything from him but not once did he blaspheme God.

So I prayed to God instead and asked for Him to help me and as the Bible says: "Ask and you shall receive."

And God answered!!!

My dad managed to (luckily) get rid of the virus. I ended up losing all the work I had done today but at least I saved my computer!

Praise God! :)

EDIT: THANK YOU GOD!!!! ALL MY WORK HAS BEEN RECOVERED!!! LOVE YOU GOD!!!

Haters gonna hate

Hate is a powerful and destructive thing.

NTS: God has taught me this, now I REALLY know why never to hate. It's up to me now with the new knowledge to make my choice.

Love or hate?

I’ll go with the one where true happiness and everlasting life awaits. :)

God bless

Wake up

Feeling alone while friends are texting you and thanking you for little things.

You need to wake up.

This goes for me and everyone else.

By choosing God to be in my life, one thing He has taught me and tests me to this day is to love. To love equally. To be grateful for everyone in my life.

Even when they aren't loving me the way I would like them to.

Retreat

It was chill, only 6 participants but we got tight and we learned a lot about the corruption in water bottles (which I'm never going to buy or use again, in case of an emergency).

But ya, I had a one on one with KC alone in the church which was cool, I thank her for trusting me with all of that, and I'll be praying for her.

And for Irvin too.

Later that night I had a one on one with Sean Santos, and I'd just like to thank him for his words of affirmation. I guess, being who I am amongst people, it was a nice change for someone to really try and understand me, to get know me, to listen. Like really listen.

So thank you for that Sean Santos, I've always wanted to know what I look like from other people's perspective, although it's only yours, it was still really.. heart warming. I'll be praying for you too.

K, anyway, I still need to go to confession.

Thank You for always being there, even in my darkest.

Peace

You are my Center.

God I understand the tests that are being put in front of me.

But please, though I know I may make mistakes for the rest of my days on Earth, help me to keep YOU as my center.

I want You as my center.

Nothing else. No one else.

There is no greater love than this.

My God is Mighty to Save

Really, bro?

I know I failed as a friend before when I didn't call you guys out those several times. And that's my fault, but not entirely my fault.

But now you're going to bring HER into this? I'm not going to make the same mistake again, I will for sure be the voice of reason this time.

You say you like her, so this is what you're gonna make her do? Get "crunk"?

Ya okay buddy. Cool story.

You guys piss me off so much. Sure you guys are no longer my priority, but you guys are still my friends.

God please help me, I'm praying for them.

Wow.. Praise God.

Can't stop praying, gotta keep going, this isn't the end, can't get too comfortable.

Praise and Thanks to You Lord, God!

Phew, I finally feel the hate and anger leaving my heart. All I know is that my prayers are being answered. I gotta keep reminding myself that I did in fact FIGHT with God.

If I hadn't been fighting, I'd still be consumed in hate and jealousy.

K, faith.

Step 1: TRUST God.
Step 2: Repeat Step 1.

Let Go...Fight

I'm always the one accusing people of always letting go and never fighting. But looking at my current situation, I've always tried letting go more than ACTUALLY trying to fight.

When you let go and let God, or fight and fight with God, it shouldn't bring fruits of hate and anger because with God, only good fruits can result.

So I guess I will start this and fight and fight with God.

First attack? Time to love and forgive with a smile.

As I go on, there appears to be a very fine line between letting go and fighting.

...As much as again I feel like the one who's taken for granted with these guys, I just wish they had bothered to ask what was wrong. Or maybe I'm just really good at acting.

I want to go back.

But I can't, because that's impossible.

So if I want to go back, then I have to move forward.

"It's either all my fault or I've been fooled by the devil into thinking I'm the only one who has pride."

Tearin' up my heart

Wow... what a roller coaster.

Just, wow.

Good night. God please grant me rest and peace, watch over me and my friends and my family as we all sleep tonight.

Tomorrow is a new day. A new day...

I just want to know what it's like to fall in love with whoever she is.

I called... You answered

And You came to my rescue, and I want to be where You are.

I want to be where You are. I want to fly. I want to love. I want to be happy. I want to forgive easily. I want to be surrounded by Your love.

You give me experiences that change my life, an emotion that today's people would call true happiness, and knowledge and wisdom to live life; to live.

I want to hold on to why I wanted to change, to why I put so much effort into You. I want to get back to my roots, to when I didn't care about expectations and I believed that I could never truly hate anyone. To when you were TRULY my center, my focus.

It's amazing, years of lust but the one time I fall to true hate, true rejection of love, I had never felt so damaged before. So shaken. So... numb.

I just want to go back, Jesus.

Well, more like I want to move forward, God.

I want to run.

Faith, Love, Humility, Repentance.

Huh...

Starting to wonder who this 'them' is.

Damn you teenage hormones, I like it when I'm not emotionally all over the place. I feel like I can't even make a decision without the next day being a hypocrite.

Colorgenics profile, as of Friday, April 1st, 2011

You are seeking an affectionate relationship, offering fulfilment and happiness. You are capable of powerful emotional enthusiasm. Deep down, you are a kind loving person, always helpful and willing to adapt yourself if necessary to realise the bond of affection that you desire. But you need the same consideration and understanding from others and it is this need that will sometimes hold you back... so let go, trust and you may pleasantly surprised at what happens.

Enough is enough. Nothing seems to be working out as you would like it to and it has got to the stage where you feel as if you can't be bothered anymore. The way you feel is that it would be great if you could be cut off from everything and take it easy - be it only for a short time.

You lack confidence and that is a great pity because deep down you are indeed a warm caring person. This lack of confidence is making you wary of being drawn into any open discussion or conflict and so you feel as if you should let matters lie and leave well alone. But there may be a pleasant surprise in store for you. You are beginning to grow and very soon - sooner than you believed possible - this warm loving new you will be available for all to see and to appreciate.

Whatever you strive to do, something always seems to be holding you back. There is no subterfuge in you. You are a clear thinker and all you demand from life, in a relationship, is a partner whom you can trust and with whom you can, together, develop a foundation of trust based on understanding. You are your own person and you demand freedom of thought to follow your own convictions. You have no interest in 'two-timing' and all you seek is sincerity and 'straight-dealing'.

You wish to be left in peace... no more conflict and no more differences of opinion. In fact you just don't want to be involved in arguments of any shape or form. All you want is for 'them' to get on with it - and to leave you alone.

Note to Self

This world is harsh, and with all the unreasonable hate, anger and selfishness it has, it will never be a good enough excuse for me to reflect that.

God loves me; His grace is enough.

I have no excuse.

Colorgenics profile, as of Thursday, March 31st, 2011

You are seeking an affectionate relationship, offering fulfilment and happiness. You are capable of powerful emotional enthusiasm. Deep down, you are a kind loving person, always helpful and willing to adapt yourself if necessary to realise the bond of affection that you desire. But you need the same consideration and understanding from others and it is this need that will sometimes hold you back... so let go, trust and you may be pleasantly surprised at what happens.

At this time you 'need to be needed' and again you 'need to need'. You have had this feeling for some time now and you are looking for someone who could share a close bond in an atmosphere of shared intimacy. You have the belief that with the right person you could conquer the world.

The situation at this time is one of considerable distress. You feel trapped and you are looking for some way out. You can find solace in the arms of someone who cares so long as there is no long-term emotional involvement.

From every direction there appear to be unwarranted restrictions on your freedom of action and this is producing considerable stress. You're really looking for independence and freedom from any restriction and therefore avoiding any obligations or anything which might prove hampering. You are being subjected to considerable pressures and you would like nothing better than to escape from them but you tend to lack the necessary strength of purpose to succeed in this. Whichever way you turn you are being frustrated. You need to be free to do your 'thing' in your own way.

You wish to be left in peace... no more conflict and no more differences of opinion. In fact you just don't want to be involved in arguments of any shape or form. All you want is for 'them' to get on with it - and to leave you alone.

Washing over all our sin

I feel like my relationship with God is a constant roller coaster.

Before, everything was emotion, and so my spiritual warfare was with my feelings.

Now, thanks to taking Philosophy in high school, my faith now includes reason.

...And now my spiritual warfare is also through the ideas, logic and rationality of man.

I feel like I'm passed that desert phase (although I'm afraid to say if that's for sure) but now I'm in this new phase of constant ups and downs. Like God is finally making His way more into my life fully in ALL areas. But it's just.... Sometimes I want to cry no joke. Oh man. It came out. It's just all this thinking, it's so tiring, honestly. I'm so tired. And I'm so sorry.

I feel like the spiritual warfare is ravaging my heart and my mind. It hurts... more than I take it for.

I just want to go Home. I just want to be with Him.

I'm so tired. So, so, tired.

Btw a slap to my face today, a really interesting slap:

"But I realized after that God doesn’t always work with karma. Just because I didn’t do anything wrong doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to be taught a lesson. Maybe my life was yearning for more knowledge therefore God gave me an obstacle for me to learn from. And I really did learn." -Kim Nguyen

Praise God for working through her tonight. I'll be praying for her as always.

God.. you're funny. I know You love me. Please cleanse me from my sin.

NTS: Matthew 11:28-30

God Bless

"Who's the bigger fool, the fools seeking attention, or the fools giving it to them?"

-via David De Guzman

So Sick

Just one of those days that I feel really sensitive and quiet. I'm not really up for talking, and I'm not up for the jokes right now. Just those days when jokes seem to sound like sober thoughts of what people really think of me. Just sayin'.

After a day of sly and subtle hater comments I'm not up for stuff like that. Even those that are just "jokes."

Other than that, today was chill, just playing old school games all day. Gotta focus on the love.

Man, I need to go to Confession.

Please forgive me God, teach me how to love and forgive as you have loved and forgiven me.

...This world tires me a lot.

This attitude isn't good though, even the thoughts and sides I don't show people are seen by God.

If you want to be holy, it must be in all areas of your life, even the ones that other people don't see.

"Be hard on yourself, easy on others."

Agape

Lord God, I went on the Agape Walk today to downtown East Hastings and gave candy to homeless women and prostitutes…

It’s true what they say, you could be talked at and lectured about things all your life but until you go out and DO IT, you will NEVER understand the pain, suffering and dignity of these people.

Praise God for today, thank you so much God. I have so much to be thankful for, so much to be loving for.

Shout out to Abby Zaporteza, Mikey Raymundo, Francis Colcol and YFC Vancouver Chapter and the 2 woman and men that helped us and guided us through the streets in the night.

I love you God, I know You love me. Please continue to protect me and guide me.

Praise God.

Best friend

That search for my best friend. That deep need for a friend who will always be there, who will always want to chill with you, who will always call you up, and you always call up. Who never lies to you, who always believes that you deserve the truth, who doesn’t pressure you into betraying your values and what is right, who wants you to grow even if it hurts, who pushes you to succeed, who pushes you to win. Who isn’t afraid to lovingly correct you, who’s patient with you even when you’re hard to love. Who knows when you just need an ear to listen to, and always talks to you like nothing ever changed. That search for my best friend who’ll be with me everyday and always wants to know if I’m doing okay, who appreciates who I am, and who will always be there for me unconditionally and enjoy my company genuinely.

I found Him.

Jesus is my best friend. And I’m certain He’ll teach me how to be a good friend.

“My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. ¹³ Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. ¹⁴ You are my friends if you do what I command. ¹⁵ I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.” -John 15:12-15

Humility and Discernment

Vocation: When your deep passion meets the world's deep needs.

Being in a group of extremely talented friends, sometimes I feel sort of left out. Don't take my words too deep though, I mean, I love dance, I love singing, I love photography, I love filming, I love and appreciate a lot of things in life but they're just not my PASSION. They're not what drive me from day to day and they're not what fill my schedule and they're not what define my friends.

Sometimes I feel jealous of my friends to be honest. They've got these talents that they're committed too and it brings them so much joy and it bring them to people and people to them and they've got best friends who share the same passion with them. What could be better right? Their passion even gives them so much time together.

I guess that's what hurts most right now, I don't know what my passion in life is.

Well, that sounds a bit too harsh haha, but I hope you know what I mean. I love God, I love my family, I love my friends, I love people... I have a strong passion for passion :/

But that's so broad and it relies so much on other human beings... Which sucks. Because what more could hurt you the most right?

I hate it when I know the answer but my heart can't let go. Then again I just can't let go of humanity.

This just shows how much more I still have to learn about Him. He's there, somewhere about, watching over me. Silent, yet loud. Distant, yet close.

Man...

I hope this post wasn't just made in the moment.

"The difference between solitude and loneliness is the attitude."

Faith.

I called, You answered.

Blessed day today. Praise God. Honsetly. Really.. I'm really happy right now not gonna lie.

Things are definitely growing; growing apart, growing together, growing closer... growing. Changing.

Old feelings I felt for only a particular group feels like it's growing into everyone I know.

God is crazy, He's doing something in me, I just gotta TRUST.

Another chapter... it's coming. I feel it.

Here's to Godly sorrow, here's to Godly joy.

Things are swell.

Right now.

I think I'm starting to learn what it really means to find satisfaction only in Him.

And what it really means to praise Him and love Him with all my might.

Give up.

When was the last time you actually gave it up to Him?

You know, other than destroying yourself and pushing Him away... when was the last time you actually gave up?

You know you're weak, you know you can't do this, so why do you keep destroying yourself? You're damaged enough. Why do you keep thinking YOU can do this?

Because you can't.

Give up.

Give it up to God.

I promise you, you will see the greatest things.

Love,
your conscious

Peace.

Freedom

For awhile I felt it. Tasted it. Saw it. Held it joyously in my heart.

Then I did a jerk move. After what? A couple of minutes of gracing me? To be free to finally see after so long what I had lost (or what I had been blinded to).

But...

"It is not enough to want to get rid of one’s sins, we also need to believe in the One who saves us from our sins." -C.S. Lewis

I know He loves me, that's something I can't deny.

What can I say? What can I do? What's my excuse?

All I feel like saying is "God, please take away this gift you have given me, I destroyed it. And now I feel like I destroyed a part of me."

Prayer.

Drunk

Find the balance between letting go for the good, and fighting for the good.

Loneliness be trippin' at ma door

Peace... be with you.

God loves me, I have no time for this. Eternity is waiting for me.

Today was good.

DC

To be honest, sometimes life is so good for me and God has blessed me with so many things that I don't know what to say for talks/shares.

I don't know why, I know making people cry isn't the goal, but I feel like my story isn't as intense as other peoples'.

All my tests and trials to this day have been internal, not much of external problems. Or maybe I just put too much blame on myself. Or I just forget easily what people have done to me. Or I feel like my problems aren't really that bad and I'm just blowing them out of proportion and so I say my past experiences were nothing really.

But if God has called me to share, then clearly there is some wisdom He's given me to share with everyone.

Tear down my walls eh? Hopefully my story can apply to someone.

I have to keep praying about this.

Porco Rosso

I feel very calm and at peace today.

I remember last night praying a lot in my sleep. Weird... but amazing at the same time. Like, I remember waking up half awake and half asleep and doing the sign of the cross and praying an Our Father or a Hail Mary or a Glory Be.

Other than that, today was chill and content.

Praise God for today!

"Let God deal with the things they do cause the hate in your heart will consume you too." -Grace Alonsabe

I Give My All

I've come to the point now where I realize that evil will be with me as long as my stay is here on earth. There will be pain, there will be suffering, there will be regret and illogical decisions made.

But what's funny and ironic yet entirely beautiful and humiliating is the fact that despite our human nature of lust, selfishness and pride, God has given us the KNOWLEDGE and the WISDOM to see it. To see it in our words, our thoughts and our actions. What a huge bowl of internal battles and chaos that resides within us.

But another thing I've come to the point of realizing is that not only will evil be with me on my time here, but so will God.

And I think that's a lesson I have to learn, emotionally and reasonably, tied together in faith, to realize that God is with me too. Every step of the way. And that after my journey here, God will still walk with me in Heaven, but evil will fall away.

Praise God and God Bless!

"Keep the mind of an adult, but the heart of a child."

Dear God,

I made promises to You, Lord. I'm not letting my emotions take control over everything. True I don't understand You or why all of this is happening to me right now, but God I made those promises to You for a reason. I made those promises to You because I knew those days that I was saved. I knew that I had to make those promises because there were going to be dark and dreadful times full of tests.

Lord, I feel like for a year now I've been exactly in that time.

Lord God, I KNOW YOU LOVE ME. I'm not giving up because You don't give up on me. I don't care what Satan tries Lord, I KNOW YOU LOVE ME. You are truly a righteous and good God, You will never abandon your children.

I know I've said things to You, Lord, harsh things. I ask for Your forgiveness, please forgive me. I'm foolish and prideful. I offer this hate and anger to You, Lord and I ask that you fill my damaged heart with Your love. I want to let go, and let You.

This war inside me has been going on long, I'm not giving up Lord because I know you're not giving up on me.

I choose to be happy.

Promises.

I promise to never stop praying.
I promise to always try my best, and let God do the rest.
I promise to always keep my eyes on the things that are above and the goal, Jesus Christ.
I promise to NEVER forget how much You love me.

February 2, 2011

A chill day spent with Tina Balce. Chill at the library, Tobiko conversations, more chilling at the library. Although it was a simple day spent hanging out with a close sister, her stories of her love life were a reminder to keep myself up and on the right thoughts and right path... and to remember that God loves me and has plans for me of a wonderful future.

Thank you Kristina Balce for reminding me to keep Christ in my thoughts when it came to love vs. lust. Thank you for being in love with Him and bringing those around you closer to Him as well.

God Bless!

PS Thanks to you too Michael Mendoza, you indirectly inspired me and reminded me to keep it real in God's eyes.

Praying for the both of you, whatever His plans may be, it's for the best for the both of you. :)

PPS Oh ya, went to the Novena mass and confession! Thank you God!

Chill day

Spent it with HC Seniors, Daniel, Marquez, Abby, Gerard, Bryce and Alo. Tobiko was good :)

I feel refreshed for some reason but I'm not too sure why, well in a way I know because it was a day spent with good friends, but at the same time I'm not too sure.

PS gotta go to confession tomorrow.

PG (Praise God)!

"who else could cause so much destruction?"

The devil. He's pushed us into hate, gossip, indifference, and unfaithfulness to me, to them, to us. My friends and I. Summer usuals...

After a year now--or maybe more for some of us, and maybe less for others--of a bit of brokenness and loss of the real contact with each other, I think that 3 way heart-to-heart with Gerard and Abby really opened my eyes and theirs.

And I think we now know who to blame... ALL of us, for falling to the enemy's snares. Using each other as a scape goat for blame, mistreating each other purposely out of hurt and anger, talking behind each others' backs, never lovingly correcting each other but gossiping about each others mistakes in an unloving way, and most especially for failing to pray together. We haven't prayed together since 2 summers ago.

I feel like we all just got tested as a group, and kinda failed. But, at least God gave three of us the grace to realize what happened and what went wrong. Now, starting with us three, maybe we can begin the healing.

Summer Usuals Forum soon for sure, I think its time we talk and patch up some wounds and untold hurts.

Who knows what God's plan is for all of us, but I don't know about you guys, I tried leaving, and He wouldn't let me. Heh, maybe we really do play that big of a role in YFC.

So here's to us, I'm praying for us. Please pray with me.

God Bless.

-Gabriel

What proof is there that God exists?

Me.

RLC, you were so good to me. God, you brought up exactly what I asked You to teach me: Lovingly Correcting.

Praise God, praise God forever!

Btw

Please God, empty out the hate in my heart.

Teach me how to love as You have loved me.

RLC

is starting today! I'm excited, hopefully I will learn a lot from this retreat.

Maybe I'll learn some perspective changing things. Or maybe some pushers to keep going.

God bless!

Unit Head?

A Surrey 1 Unit Head. No wonder Marquez was talking about transferring.

To be honest I'm all up for it, it doesn't matter because I love YFC.

But Butch asked me during our one on one this question: "Why be the unit head? Why step up and be a leader?" And honestly I'm still thinking.

I'll keep praying about it, whatever God's will is, it will be done. :)

Vent: Swearing

I hate it when people swear, ESEPCIALLY my friends. It's weird that I find it easier to forgive them when they drink and blaze but swearing.... seriously man.. it's like a constant wave of sin. Sure it's not like they're constantly being drunk or constantly high, but constant swearing? Foreal? You know what they say, "sloppy language means sloppy thinking."

If there's anything I hate more than pride, it's swearing.

And it sucks because in all honesty I DON'T KNOW HOW TO CALL MY FRIENDS OUT. Or lovingly correct would be a better way to say it. For me it's easier to lovingly correct sisters but even then I'm not too sure. Brothers? Don't even get me started. There's only one brother I know that I can lovingly correct and trust that he'll show an honesty in trying and that's Alo... that's probably why I consider him my closest guy friend out of everyone.

All the other brothers I have NO COURAGE at all to lovingly correct. Why? Because I'm afraid of 1. Pride and 2. Fear of rejection. sad I know, some friend am I right? But I guess I've just been hurt a lot by being pushed away from other brothers because I was "too holy".... Last time I checked being "holy" was being WHO YOU ARE. And they're not being who they are...

Sorry guys, but I'm not choosing the world standards over God's just for a couple of times of "acceptance."

You're afraid I'm going to judge you? Why would I judge you? You're my friend, I love you. Besides, God is the only One who can judge.

Peace.

“But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.” - Matthew 12:36-37

just sayin...

Wow.

THE CO WAS CRAZY!!!! (although I really wish my household members were there :/)

but PRAISE GOD FOR TODAY! I feel like I learned a lot for some reason, I'm not too sure why but I just feel it inside that I did.

God Bless everyone!!!

PS. I think I'm moving up tomorrow, I have a one-on-one with Butch and Marquez told me to keep an open heart for tomorrow. Man, I really wanna know what it is that God's got planned for me next.

CO

None of my household members can go :x I feel like a bad Household leader to be honest. Maaaaan...

Exams

Math = asian fail
Chem = asian okay

PEACE UBC! SFU will do.

The Rosary

Praying it always helps, especially when I'm in an extreme state of sin..........

I prayed it with my mom, and today is Tuesday, the Sorrowful Mysteries.

I wish I would just start praying whenever temptation came around... I feel pathetic. I'm sorry God.

Thank You though for the Rosary, I feel better, but I know this isn't over until confession.

Praise God, none the less, Praise His name forever. The fact that I promised to never forget how much He loves me is what is pushing me through this sin.

...

This Addiction

...is creating more questions, more doubts, more hate, more anger.

"God does punish people for their sins, sin is a punishment unto itself."

So true...

I hate this. It hurts. I feel empty.

Never stop praying...

It's exam week, and I'm tired. But I'm feeling pretty confident about the upcoming Chem and Math Final, PG for Cheat... posters? hahaha and mock finals that mean nothing to your mark. :)

Anyway...

I'm feeling pretty lonely not gonna lie, I've been studying a lot and it's cool talking to people on the phone but I really want to see people face to face, without a huge amount of practice math provincials and chem notes between us, jus' sayin'.

Other than that my week is good. I messed up though... I need to go to confession again...

"Stress what is good."

Only His unconditional love for me is keeping me going.

Can't wait for second sem. Peace.

Singing

I think I found my new passion. Singing. I've always just wanted to be able to sing songs full out and out loud and today God gave me that chance to just sing my heart out with a few great friends for how many hours, I have no idea.

It was.. beautiful, I think I'll remember that for a long time, the first time I just sang my heart out without caring.

Thank You, God. Really, thank You so much.

I love You. Please help me to stress what is good and continue to do Your will.

Hopefully one day I can have a voice that will lead hearts to You.

Praise God, good night world. :)

You've already won.

I lost a game today, and I wanted to win so I could end the night with that. We were so close to winning but everything turned around and we lost.

I was legit pissed a bit and halfheartedly saying to myself: "It's okay, just a game."

And then that voice in my head said: "You've already won what matters most."

Me: "What?"

Voice: "Do you believe in God?"

Me: "Yes."

Voice: "Do you believe He forgives sins?"

Me: "Yes."

Voice: "Then you've already won."

...wow.

Before I sleep...

I want myself to know that God always loves me.

Remember your fourth promise to Him, Gabriel?

I think that one is the most important one of them all.

Pray for grace and understanding. It is sort of confusing where He's taking you (me).

Goodnight, world.

I promise to never stop praying.

My first promise to God was originally "I promise to never give up."

But who am I without God? So many times I've been pushed to my limit and even saying ignorant and foolish things to God I regret saying. So many times I've doubted Him all because I couldn't "feel" Him.

So what can I say? What can I do? All this time, I never stopped praying even with the anger and hate I had against Him because I knew that I couldn't do it alone. I knew that I couldn't stop even when I wanted to because I knew He would never stop for me.

So...

I promise to never stop praying.

Boss

Hung out with Jocelyn today, man I haven't seen her in so long! I missed her :') So good to catch up :)

McD's conversations, casual shoppin' and silent bonding @ Chapters haha!

She's dope, hope we can hang out again soon!

Good weekend! (Jan 7-9/2011)

Friday:

• Chill with Larissa and Gerard and other people, most awkward lunch ever HAHAHAHA
• Spare second block! aw ye!
• Surrey 1 GA, nice to see Surrey 1 again :) Surrey 2 Elites said they'd spot me for ILC!!!!!! THANK YOU GOD!!!! Grace offered me a job at McDonald's to help pay them back, THANK YOU GOD AGAIN!!!! :D
  
• Chillage at Felix's
• Sleepover at Patrick's, aw haven't seen that guy in so long

Saturday:

• Chilling with Patrick in the morning, miss his house and rents haha
• Confession, thank You God, really.
• bus/walk back from Confession, I live in a beautiful world :)
  
• Pan de Sal with butter at home/chill with my parents
• Ervinn's birthday party, SO FUN!! HAHHAHA seeing everyone, Canucks vs. Detroit, Things, watching parts of scary movies, interrupted real talks with Monica and Erin, kpop sesh with Kenny and Victoria, jamming in the basement, charades with Alo and Erin and Mitchel, then the sleepover at Ervinn's with Alo, Mitchel, Joe and Ervinn

Sunday:

• Joe's phone.... hahahaha
• Beautiful morning/afternoon woow
  
• 17 Again
• Brunch cooked by Erin with Ervinn, Errol and Mitchel, delicious spaghetti :)
  
• Just a chill day with the Tangcos+Mitchel, felt like summer :)
• Mass @ OLGC with them
• Wendy's after, "...that's it?" LOL
• Home! usual welcome home greeting from the parents: weird teasing stares sort of stating "who is this boy?" with a usual "laagan ka" (bisaya for someone who goes out a lot lol)

Praise God for this weekend!!!!!!!!!

Hmm

I don't approve. I never did. And I don't think I ever will until you grow up and quit with the two-facing. Just sayin'.

I think she deserves way better.

I'm not hating, you're my friend, but when you step into that territory with her, it's a no.

I feel ya

"I am a guy, and I am very jealous of girls. Because, girls can hug, kiss and cuddle with each other without fear of being called as gay or lesbians. Girls share stories better with other girlfriends compared to guys who would rarely give a fuck of each others problems. Girls can gossip around and look cute and beautiful, rather than being dull, like most trying-to-look-macho guys. But then, I remembered that females get heartbroken real easily, fragile, weak, works a lot at home, get pregnant, get period pains and lots more problems than most men. And that's the reason why boys exist. We exist to protect you girls out there, and its a shame that its hard to find a good guy nowadays. And I'm proud being a guy. Someday I'll treat my wife better than a queen." -Anonymous

I completely agree with this guy. Thumbs up for him, foreal, he's got it.

Really?

really Gabe?

...

I need to move on. It's like this hate transfers from one of them to the next. It's constantly moving, constantly sneaking. It brings up all the things they didn't do, all the things they did do, all the things they said and didn't, all the things I would have normally overlooked on any other person.

Clearly, this healing process will take a bit more time.

I guess part of me just still can't get over the fact that they'll NEVER understand how much pain I felt.

They just can't understand. I don't think they ever will, even after telling them I hated them they still couldn't even bare to wonder or ask how a "summer usual" friend that they always say "you inspire me" to could go as low as to confront them bluntly and say "I hate you."

I guess that's why, it's just trying to get over that fact.

But..... maybe this is how God feels to us.... but he just keeps forgiving.

But He knows better, He's God... maybe that's my pride or hate talking.

Sorry God, it just hurts a lot. Please help me heal. This is tiring.

Really tiring.

I wish I could see myself from someone else's point of view.

Library days

Man that is the second time I've cried in that library from laughter. omg HAHAHAHAHA!

Library usuals.. ;)

Epic

I have this love for epic and awesome things. Things that blow my mind from powerful singing voices to emotional and awe-inspiring dances to the resonating, echoing sounds of a classical piano piece; to the aurora borealis and to the vastness of the incomprehensible size of the galaxies of space. And to the miracle of a group of youth in a room singing and praising their hearts and souls out to the almighty Creator up above.

I have this love for epic and awesome things, and I think it's just one of the ways God created in me to see Him in His glory and light.

Perfect love

I thank God so much for the chance to go to confession. Honestly, I could write an essay on how there are so many things wrong with me from my inconsistency, to my hypocrisy, to my doubt, to my self-hate and disappointment but I KNOW God would NEVER let me do such a thing.

He's always there pushing me forward even in my darkest hours and even when I fight back and hurt Him.

I love You so much, thank You for this chance to go to confession and be clean again.

Here's to another round, let's do this Gabe, fight this sin. Be the hammer, not the anvil.

Thank You again.

Much love to You,

Gabriel

Hello, new blog.

So I'm making this blog to try something new. Just going to blog about whatever.

Yup, s'it.

Casual blogging time, start!

Fo'real a secret blog after my first blogspot and tumblr failed and became hugely public haha! This will probably be temporary though, I'm still having second thoughts and insecurities about how this will affect my future emotional self (will it benefit or not). <-- insecure for sure

Still considering if I will even share this with the closests.

K peace!