I'm afraid to say, but I don't think you can run away from your feelings.

People look ridiculous when they run from reason, and they look just as ridiculous when they run from their emotions.

Somewhere along the line God planted in us these 2 very confusing things that constantly clash at each other (brain vs heart anyone?) and by far, I have to say they have both made me want to give up.

What is faith without passion? What is faith without reason? You can not simply put your faith in reason or else you will grow complacent and lukewarm, full of your reasons that can easily be manipulated for the worse. Neither can you simply put your faith in emotions or else it'll come and go just like the wind.

What is steadfast faith?

Some days, I feel like in an effort to balance both, I lose one and gain another, or gain the other and lose the other... or just lose both.

On a brighter and positive note, so you can see the good in my life as well, things are going so well. I am happy and I know that I am blessed considerably with this life. Family is great, friends are awesome (sometimes), and school is... okay! haha

But anyway... As much as I shield myself with these reasons and emotions. I'm kinda scared to admit that... I think I am losing it.

Everyday that I think and feel that I grow closer to God, the more so I feel like my sins cost.

Sometimes it feels so unfair being Christian.

Sometimes I no longer feel guilty the same way I used to feel guilty about that sin. I guess that's what throws me off the most, if anything it just truly reveals to me that human reason and emotions are not enough. They won't suffice. I need something more... And I know where to find it... I just don't know how to create a proper bridge there.

Now that I think about it, I guess that's what my problem has been the whole time. That overlying one.

The fact that I need new reasons, and new ways, to follow Him. My Saviour. The past is gone... but the damage is still here. Maybe that's why I feel so indifferent to so many things, people and groups these days. It's because the way I used to approach them was through a certain way and outlook on life that is clearly lost in the past now.

I've changed, and I guess my old faith isn't so compatible with the new me... Again... I need to renew my faith. I need new reasons to follow Him.