My heart's filled with longings, desires and dreams. It's a beautiful feeling.

Before, it used to feel so bittersweet. At the time, all the things I ever wanted back then were things I was beginning to understand and come to acceptance with that they needed to be let go of. Of course, I knew it was letting God as well, but I couldn't help but feel like saying good bye to the past me (and past them). I knew God had something better for me (and I'm seeing that now), but again at the time, I only knew so much. Faith was something I was just starting to get back into after many wars waged on myself and others.

Coming up to speed now though, this feeling—this late night honesty—is different now; it's changed. I'm excited for the future, for the change, for the hard work and growth being put in. Things are bittersweet and at the same time almost entirely not. It's a new feeling for me to be honest, and I'm not too sure if I've ever felt this before in my life. Maybe it's the one fruit I can feel for sure that God has cultivated through me. And that gives me a lot of hope. I personally feel worthless and disgusting most of the time because of various sins, guilts and shames combined with my lack of Eucharistic and confessional intake and use. Things have honestly been broken, emptied, shaken, refilled, spilled and desecrated plenty of times through my life that you'd expect my emotional well being to be well into a loss of.. Words? Feelings? A mix of both. Which is why I describe this feeling as bittersweet, but not entirely. It's weird. I feel happy at times and at the same time I feel sad. When I look at myself, I can tell for sure I'm an incomplete work still in the making. But it's been 20 years already and I just feel so tired. And I guess that's why this feeling gives me so much hope: contrary to all that I mentioned before, it also feels hopeful, excited, persevering, empty of myself in a way, and most importantly, wholly faithful that God will pull me through this. Whatever this is.

So... I guess when I describe it like that, after all that I've been through and experienced, I have to say that maybe, just maybe, this new late night honesty, this new feeling, is one of the first fruits to be born of this new—no, better—me.

And with that, a self reminder: Truly, God is good.. All the time.