No one and nothing else can save me.

No one and nothing else but Him alone.

(In this area of life Lord, I feel so hopeless. Everything else is fine but this one area. If the devil has even one foothold in a human life, it's almost like none of the other good matters. All the guilt, all the sin. It feels so overpowering. I can't discern what is truth Lord. Your love? Your mercy? But what about your justice? Your righteous anger? For almost 13 years of my life now Lord this has been the drawback. It has never been at peace, it's always been a war. It's killing my relationship with You though. I find it so hard to pray and to believe in Your love sometimes. I always remember all the stories of the Old Testament. The sin has done nothing but leave ruin, confusion, anger and hate in my life. I'm left with so many questions. They are not questions of the mind though that could be easily reasoned through human thought like "God loves you." But they're questions of the heart. It's easy for my mind to simply choose You. But my heart is so hard, dead and weak. It's tired. And it's all my fault. What is mercy, Lord? Does it run out? Are certain people merely brought to the Truth only to be destined to fall in accordance with the Word? The narrow path or the wide path. I have no idea where I am. People could simply just say "you've been blinded." But what of it? My heart and mind know and my soul battles day and night and day and night after. Like in the book of Ephesians, everything feels so vain.

I'm so hurt Lord. And my pain, guilt and sins have reached this phase for awhile. I can't tell anymore Lord if I'm just falling lower and growing more distant. Without You, I feel no true love. But I'm afraid to ask of You because You already know my heart. You know my darkness. I don't even cry anymore because of my wrongs. I cry because I feel that my tears and prayers mean nothing to You anymore. I'm tired of saying the same prayers of apology and selfishness. I'm tired of praying for happiness and "good feelings of faith" if I'm just going to pay everything back in sin. Most of the time I'm not even hating people or loving them. I'm just tired of everyone.

Pride? Obviously, but what more people must throw me down, how many more people must embarass me and hate me, who else has to push me around before I can claim humility? How many more whispers behind my back, fakes and assumers do I have to experience?

I cry too Lord because I'm so damaged. No girl has ever broken my heart before, because I've already broken my own countless times. My tears don't stop my sins. My prayers don't. It's not Your fault, everything is mine to blame. And the devil can go on and continue to accuse me of all my sins. I have no excuse. No reason. It was my choice. And I wish I could say sorry. But I don't know anymore Lord. Nothing seems real anymore.

I do things out of obedience. And nothing else. Because obedience is all I have left. But even that was never there to begin with.

"If you Love God you will keep His commandments."

Thank You for loving me. I'm not too sure if I ever loved You back.

I'm so sorry, I tried so hard.)