"If you asked me to speak honestly about the matter that bugs me the most, I’d say a lot of things and skirt around the topic. I tend to do that. I don’t like sharing what troubles me at the heart of things. But if you stuck around in spite of all that? I’d probably say things like how I’m tired of hoping that the outcome of this will be positive. How I’m tired of hoping things will get better and return to the way things were two, five, ten years ago. How I’m tired of investing myself emotionally in someone who won’t change himself, even if everyone else thinks he will. How I’m tired of seeing those I love hurt. How I’m tired of incalculable rage, though I know better not to harbour it.

I’m not a hopeful man except with matters of the faith, which is ironic because God is the one to whom I confide in the most with this matter. I don’t expect that things are going to mend themselves to perfect repair. That would be a foolish thing to think. I don’t think that things are going to get any better for the problem, however. It’s easy for a man to say he’s going to turn over a new leaf and start anew but give him enough freedom, turn enough of a blind eye again and he’ll drown in his vices—or smoke them—if you’re not careful.

Christ preaches about love and forgiveness. Lent is all about turning away from sin and believing in the Gospel. Being a Catholic with integrity is all about living those core values in your life. It’s easy to do in theory but it’s damn hard to do in practice. It’s a damn hard thing to love an enemy. It’s a damn hard thing to forgive when the enemy is considered family. I don’t forgive easily and I don’t hurriedly forget the wrongs against me. I’m a bitter man for the hurt done to me and the irreparable harm the matter has caused others. I don’t show it and I prefer it that way; let others help those who need it more than I do.

I’m assured that it’ll sort itself out in God’s time but I’m much too tired of fighting to be hopeful. That’s in my character. Yeah, I wanted to vent. Every man has his moment of weakness; better that I yell at a wall than at somebody I could hurt. I’m angry but not at God or those in my life. I’m angry at the fact that I once believed that the man was strong enough to turn away from that which destroys him. I’m angry that the man’s the prodigal and I’m just waiting for the parable to show me the lesson."

-John Ray Catingub

Wow...